OHs and socialising

[Rainbowandraindrops67]

When I was younger I was used to socialising in mixed sex groups and just had same sex friends for very close friendships. As we got older things changed and for sone reason things got more divided on gender. I guess a lot of this is natural and to be expected when getting married etc.
But now I have one friend whose OH will only come to social events if all the other OHs are too. I find this pretty offensive tbh - I’ve known him for 7 years plus - why am I not good enough to chat to for an hour or so? It’s not like I sit around talking about fluffy bunnies and make up! I’m perfectly capable of talking about world affairs and sport the same as my OH. I also think it’s sad for our single friends to be shunned by our friends husbands - just being treated as their wife’s girl mate and not people in their regard. Yes it might be more fun for the OHs if all the ‘lads’ are there too but surely it’s not that big a deal to just come occasionally on their own?! Aibu to think friends husband shouldn’t be so rude?! It comes across that he doesn’t like his wife’s friends and just sees them as hers and something to be dragged to if their OHs are too.

[pandarific]

This type of person tends to be an idiot, in my experience. Give a wide berth, most people aren’t like this.

[Rainbowandraindrops67]

True! My OH has his faults but will not refuse to go on a day out just because other OHs may not be there (day if because they are away or busy).

[Thymeout]

Yes - but I get even more annoyed with married friends who don't invite me to couples occasions because I haven't got a bloke for their bloke to talk to. It's insulting.

[Rainbowandraindrops67]

Say not day!

[Rainbowandraindrops67]

Thyme - yes! This was me throughout my 20s - single or dating short term things and always excluded from ‘couples’ dinners (with these same friends actually I should see the pattern!) just because I could bring a guy of my own! Now I’m married but still they’ll only match girl and girl or OHs too along for dinners and days!

[MrsExpo]

My DH is like this and is far from an idiot pandarific ...

OP ... my DH is socially quite shy and a very private person so will only attend social events with me if he feels comfortable in the group (which means we rarely go out together, sadly). It's nothing to do with trying to offend anyone or implying that he thinks women can only talk about make-up and babies, nor is he trying to be rude. He just doesn't enjoy socialising. I assume your friend's DH is the same. YABU IMO ....

[Thymeout]

Be warned. It gets worse when the husbands retire. There are now pub lunches I miss out on as well as dinner parties. I can't understand it. It's not as if they'll be dancing minuets or throwing their car keys into a bowl when they've cleared away the plates.

[PurpleMinionMummy]

If my dh was going out I wouldn't go either if I was going to be the only partner. It's hardly unusual if a bloke doesn't want to go out and be the only man with a bunch of women either. I'm not sure what there is to be offended by .

[Thymeout]

I can understand not wanting to be the only man. It would be a very different dynamic. But this OH won't go unless all the other OHs are there, too. And why do my friends want equal numbers? It's not as if they're the sort who have place-cards, alternate M and F, like some pre-war black tie event.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

We have limited availability for nights out due to you know work, life, family. We are both selective about the events we go to.

If everyone else at a general mates night out were female and none of the men were coming then my DH would feel like he was crashing someone else's party, he would not enjoy it because would feel inappropriate and awkward. I'd feel the same in a reverse situation.

However, if was an event to do a particular thing, an interesting thing, rather than a general get together then he and I would each happily be the only person of our gender there.

[PurpleMinionMummy]

But why do you take it so personally? He obviously doesn't want to talk world politics or sport with some of the men either. It's obviously nothing to do with you personally or the fact you're a woman.

[Rainbowandraindrops67]

Purple well it is because he’d come if my OH (or any of my friends OHs came).
Yes this is more events I’m talking about rather than nights out

[Rainbowandraindrops67]

Mrsexpo - this particular person is far from shy - he’s the life and soul of the party usually!

[BackforGood]

I don't understand your outrage either.
It is a different dynamic altogether.

If I go out with work mates, it would be odd if one person's dh came when others weren't. Same as I would go to something with dh's work if it were for workmate and partners, but I wouldn't if it were all workmates and just me. that would just be odd.
Same with your sports team or choir or the crowd you volunteer with - I'd find it odd if all the Scout Leaders in my group were going for a meal and one person brought their dh / dw when it was just for Leaders. On other occasions (say someone's birthday party) then everyone would bring their other halves. However, if only one OH were going, it would be odd.

[LoniceraJaponica]

I'm struggling to understand why you find it offensive. Are you always this easily offended?

My husband is like MrsExpo's and doesn't feel comfortable socialising with just a group of women. He talks to my friends quite happily, but just isn't very good at small talk or with people he doesn't know very well.

[scottishdiem]

Interesting.

I thought the rule on Mumsnet was that men and women in relationships cannot be friends with people of the opposite sex so should only socialise with other groups of the same sex. Also, that men who come to events where its mostly women are actually controlling and not allowing their partners to have time away from them. That women like having women only time and that men being there "changes the dynamic". etc. etc.

[Rainbowandraindrops67]

Lon - but he does know me and our other female friends well... he’s not uncomfortable talking to women in general

If I’m truly honest i highly suspect he uses every opportunity to spend time on his own - he has form for cheating

I guess it’s because he’s making clead he’ll never see me as ‘their’ or ‘his’ friend - only my female friends - whereas I’m used to being friends with people of the opposite sex. Only surface friends - wouldn’t meet them on their own or message etc but happily chat to and chat up in a group

I think it’s controlling if your partner insists on coming - I think it should just be relaxed and doesn’t matter what gender people are there unless it’s been agreed before it will only be a girls or boys only event

[Rainbowandraindrops67]

Ha! Not chat up! Chat to! I’m not one of THOSE women!

[doubletroublemum]

I don't really understand the issue here. I wouldn't want to be the only female at a lads meet up.
And if I go out with my girlfriends I much much prefer to leave the hubby at home. The few times he's joined in with us, he is often sat at the side bored while we talk about a lot of shared memories/interests that he can't join in with.

[Rainbowandraindrops67]

Double - I’ve made clear - it’s NOT a girls or a lads meet up- it’s meeting with the kids in a country park or on a Sunday afternoon. It becomes a silly dance of is your OH coming, oh well mine will too or if not then mine won’t. Just means single friends never get to go to ‘couples’ events. I don’t get why has to be so divided.

[LoniceraJaponica]

"it’s meeting with the kids in a country park or on a Sunday afternoon."

OH would have loathed doing that.

[BackforGood]

tbf, I wouldn't call taking the kids to the park, a 'social event'

[SaucyJack]

Are you pissed off that he doesn't fancy you?

Cos otherwise, I'm not getting it.