AIBU to change my name?

[MonsieurBing]

I split up with my ex over three years ago and we have two kids together who are 6 and 8. They have his surname. We were never married and it was not a friendly split. He is still very angry and controlling and tries to make my life difficult just because he can.

I’m taking the kids abroad for February half term. Due to a recent promotion at work I am luckily in a position to from now on, take them on holiday twice a year. As I have a different surname to my kids, I’ve prepared a letter and sent it to their dad. It authorises me to take them abroad and should prevent any issues at the airport. It requires my ex to print it off and get it notarised by a solicitor.

Obviously the ex is being difficult about this. Because he can. He’s enjoying making me sweat although I have no doubt that at the last minute he would agree to it so he can save the day and look like a hero. But I’m afraid I’m very tired of being treated like this and can’t be bothered with his twuntery. I also can’t face it twice a year for the next ten years.

Would I be utterly mad to change my surname to match my kids? It would mean that I don’t ever have to contact him and ask to take the kids away. I would never be beholden to him. And he could no longer control me. I could live with having the same name as him as it’s my childrens’ surname.

The slight complicating factor is that the ex is getting married in January and his new wife will be changing her name. I’m worried about coming across as a jealous ex which literally could not be further from the truth but I know it would look weird to change my name to theirs just as they’re getting married.

So am I being unreasonable to change my name anyway?

[CopperHandle]

Change it. If you are comfortable with sharing a name with him then do it, sounds practical. Quite frankly, who gives a damn what he or his new wife thinks.

[floatyjosmum]

changing your name doesn't mean you won't get stopped.
legally for a child to leave the country permission needs to be given by everyone with PR unless there is a court order.
letters don't need to be notarised, I have letters signed by my ex and have a copy of his passport etc

what I would say is I've only ever been stopped coming back into the UK which is a bit too late really!

[MonsieurBing]

That's interesting. I've just checked my Court order and it says

' is a criminal offence to take a child out of the UK without the consent of everybody with parental responsibility unless the court has given permission. However, if an order has been made that a child is to live with a person, that person may take that child out of the UK for up to a month at a time without requiring the consent of all persons with parental responsibility.' It also says that they 'live with' their father when he has them (a third of the time' and lives with me for the rest of the time. So I don't need permission from him as such, it's just to prevent me being stopped for having a different name.

[HouseworkIsAPain]

Take copy of the court order with you when you travel. Also copies of DC birth certificates showing you are their mum.

[NerNerNerNerBATMAN]

I'd do it, think it sounds very sensible.

Could you add it as a middle name? So you'd be Monsieur ExsName Bing?

That way you keep your name but then it's clear that there is a family link.

[Ellisandra]

Are you in the UK?
You don't need anything notarised by a solicitor!
A letter you write yourself signed by him will do. Obviously he's an awkward arse but it'll only make him more awkward if he has to go to a solicitor.

I'm reluctant to drag kids into it, but would it work to prepare the letter and text him to say you'll bring it at drop off and then say in front of the kids "here's the travel letter for their holiday, you just sign here" as you give him a pen?

I never changed my surname on marriage but gave my child my XH's name. I do have a letter I did myself with copies of our passports on - border control are always happy with it.

I have travelled without it. I've been asked "are they yours?" entering other countries but nothing more. On the return the UK authorities pay much more attention. I'm always asked. But before I had the letter and once when I put it in my hold luggage, they had a quick chat with my child and all was fine. Don't let him hold you over a barrel - I think most people don't travel with a letter.

[MonsieurBing]

I can't see him giving me a copy of his passport, he'll accuse me of fraud or something.
I might try without getting it notarised this time and see if he'll sign a letter. We never meet as we do handovers through the school. It's only Tenerife this time but I'm planning some more adventurous trips to come that may prove more difficult.
Thanks everyone!