woman/man contribution

[vinobell]

i want to ask the great collective MN wisdom their opinion on how to split household divisions/tasks. i currently feel i bring the majority to the table and am getting a bit sick of it, but want to know AIBU?

i earn slightly more than my husband for a shorter week. Both full time, but mine generally 45 hours and his 65. We both have 'careers' that took a lot of training for - but i hate my job, he loves his. I chose mine early on to enable his career, as out of my speciality it would fit in the best with his training. He "followed his dream" and loves his job. Both very demanding in different ways. Everyday i feel stressed and drained, but our life seems to centre around him. (live where he needs to, far from family, for his job meaning a long commute for him. I have no friends as we moved so much for his job, haven't had the chance to make any. He knows lots of people who he works with, these are our only social circle.)

in terms of 'running the household' i do it all. mainly in the hours before he comes home and will have dinner waiting etc. But this means i am routinely behind on work. I have to come home to sort DC/dog etc and so then cannot finish my work, i don't have the option to stay. He stays til he is done as he knows i am there. when asked to switch, he says he can't. Its just a completely different mindset. The weekends we both do chores.

but i am beginning to question, what is he bringing?
if the wages are equal would you split 50/50 chores? or is the person that does less hours supposed to do more?

[FenceSitter01]

Money is irrelevant - your time however isn't - this is your answer Both full time, but mine generally 45 hours and his 65 - you really think in an equal relationship, you sitting on the sofa flicking through a mag whilst he does the housework after you've had 20 hours free time is the way to a successful and happy partnership?

[InfiniteSheldon]

If he's happy and your unhappy something is wrong though

[Moanyoldcow]

Both working long hours (his insane) - are you both high earners?

If so get a cleaner twice weekly and just stop worrying about it. I wouldn't be doing anything in the evenings after a 65 hour week.

[vinobell]

no, fencesitter, but genuinely curious - how is me earning more, doing the vast majority of everything else, and emotionally supporting him without getting much back a happy and successful partnership?

[afrikat]

I would outsource as much as possible - other than laundry we don't really do chores in our house - we have a cleaner and keep our expectations pretty low! Weekends are for fun family time or resting.

[SonicBoomBoom]

I suspect he is doing 65 hours because he can, because you're home picking up all the domestic stuff, and because he'd rather be at work than doing what you're doing, which he deems beneath him.

He could probably work less hours if he had to and wanted to. But he doesn't.

[kaytee87]

I don’t think money should come into it. You should both aim to have equal leisure time.

Also get a cleaner if your both working those kind of hours.

[PurpleDaisies]

I agree with everyone else, money is totally irrelevant. Household jobs should be split fairly-that will look different in every household but if you’re feeling unhappy and resentful it’s obviously not working right in yours.

[LuxuryWoman2017]

The earnings are irrelevant when it comes to the chores, forget that.
However, your job is very important and between you, you have allowed his to come first (moving etc.) you need to address this part.

Outsource whatever chores you can, paid for from the family pot, and you need to find your voice and make clear his job is not the one which comes first, you both work and both careers are equal.

[vinobell]

sonic i do feel that way - he will have long 'chats' with colleagues following meetings which go on for much longer than they should, whereas i feel I'm always clock watching to rush to get home to sort things out

i guess i feel resentful as i feel our working hours aren't equal - he loves his and literally dread going to work everyday

not drip feeding but i worked much longer hours than him until this year but odd shift work, so still did everything (so his weekends were free).

[AccrualIntentions]

For me and DH money isn't a factor in it but working patterns are. Termtime he works much longer hours than me so I pick up the lions share of household stuff, and we're pretty equal at the weekend. He has school holidays off, so he does a lot more then. We don't consciously divide tasks, it just falls into that pattern.

[afrikat]

I would definitely say that on at least 2 days a week he needs to commit to getting home at an agreed time and if necessary doing more work once the kids are in bed. He needs to start being more flexible with his work in order to fit into family life more.

[KarmaStar]

Hi,
You said your husband and you moved away from family for his job,yet he ha a long commute?is there a possibility you can move back nearer home if he is commuting anyway or is it too far?a cleaner/Au Pair is a good idea and would leave you time for yourself,to join clubs,gym,etc and make a social circle to keep you happy and relaxed and having outside interests.maybe when he sees you enjoying life and that home isn't (in his eyes not mine)just a load of chores anymore,he will start coming home earlier and you can have fun times as a couple and a family.at the moment it appears you don't much like your life.I really hope things improve for you,good luck

[YellowMakesMeSmile]

I don't think salary has any bearing on house stuff, it's the amount of hours worked.

If DH did twenty hours it's than me I'd expect him to spend that time on household jobs.

[Ragusa]

There are hours at the coal face. And then there are productive hours. Somehow in this supposed era of equality women still routinely cram in more.

why does he work 65 hours per week? Is he self employed and worried about work drying up? Or is he just inefficient and taking his time doing a perfectly normal job??

[Ragusa]

Also I don't think you should meet him.by working with 20 extra hours in the home. 40 plus 5 hours housework is plenty for any human each week.

[arethereanyleftatall]

Pre-dc I sometimes had to work late. I always wondered why so many of the men in their 30s/40s would also be 'working' late, and yet as soon as the bosses had gone, would be doing tea rounds and stopping by my desk to chat. I thought it weird, if you're working late, then work.
Once I had dc I realised they were hanging out to avoid childcare. Ironically, these men were praised for always working late.

Yanbu op, I'm not surprised you feel resentful. It sounds like you have good salaries, can you outsource?