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AIBU?

To step back from this friendship.

30 replies

Caulk · 22/10/2017 21:41

I’ve really no idea if I am or not.

In 2013 I was raped. I see a therapist and I told her but no one else. I told one friend in the spring this year. I’m no contact with my family.

A week ago I met a friend for coffee. She told me that her adult daughter had been raped. She went into a lot of detail about it all and said she is taking leave from work to stay near her daughter at university.

I just feel so incredibly jealous that they have the sort of relationship that I don’t have with my mum and because I would have wanted the same support but didn’t ask for it from my friends.

I can’t decide if it’s better to step back from seeing her for a few weeks whilst I get a grip, or if it’s better to keep things normal with her and just feel a bit shit after seeing her because I feel jealous. She has a lot of close friends, so it’s not like I would be dropping her at a time of need.

OP posts:

Report

RickOShay · 22/10/2017 21:48

I am so sorry about what happened to you. I think you are allowed to do whatever makes you feel the most comfortable. It must be very difficult. Are you still seeing your counsellor?

RickOShay · 22/10/2017 21:52

Ah sorry, just checked and I think you do, would it be something you could talk over with her?

Caulk · 22/10/2017 21:52

Yeah. I’ve emailed her about this, but she doesn’t tend to give advice, more saying it’s okay to feel jealous, sad, whatever. She is on holiday now though so it’s playing on my mind a bit and as no one else really knows I can’t discuss what to do.

OP posts:

Caulk · 22/10/2017 21:54

I mean I emailed her after seeing the friend, which was nearly a week ago, but won’t see the therapist again for about 10 days because of half term

OP posts:

RickOShay · 22/10/2017 22:01

She’s right it is ok. I would probably back away gently then, who will it benefit if you keep in close touch? I think your friend with the daughter sounds lovely and if she knew would understand anyway.

Caulk · 22/10/2017 22:04

She is lovely. We’re close but she has other people who she is closer too so I’m not dropping her only support. I just need to not feel so rubbish about it!

OP posts:

MrsDustyBusty · 22/10/2017 22:10

You have to look after yourself first with this.

Have you had counselling?

MrsDustyBusty · 22/10/2017 22:11

Sorry, yes you have. I didn't mean about the rape, about your family situation.

Caulk · 22/10/2017 22:13

Yeah I’ve been in therapy for about 6 years.

I’m not very good at being able to know when to step back or when to keep putting the other person first, so thank you for your reassurance.

OP posts:

AuntyElle · 22/10/2017 22:15

I appreciate that this highlights the support that you haven't had . But their situation might not be as ideal as it initially seems. Would the daughter actually want her mum to be telling a friend about her rape? Especially with a lot of detail?

RickOShay · 22/10/2017 22:16

Yes, that would be good if you could be at peace with it. Try to remember that your feelings are as important as anyone’s, you aren’t dismissing your pal, but you have to protect yourself, if she was more vulnerable then the situation would be different.
Your first responsibility is yourself, this is NOT selfishness, but the only way to be a functioning human being, so you can be supportive towards other people.
In this scenario it’s too much, too
hurtful, I would feel the same way, and in fact have felt similarly.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 22/10/2017 22:17

Sorry no real advice. I just wanted to say you have to do whatever you need to do to protect yourself. I'm so sorry

You say she has other friends. You're not dropping her in it. And you're not blocking her off forever! Just giving yourself the headspace you need.

Take care. Hope your therapist can help when she returns. Is there anyone else you can contact in the meantime? My doctors has a local charity that works with them as a support network. Just wondered if there was something similar? (And of course us lot here will always be here )

Caulk · 22/10/2017 22:23

Thanks. Maybe once or twice a year something will come up that makes me think about it and it throws me totally, but the rest of the time I’m okay about it - it happened, I have rubbish parents that’s the way it is.

I’m not entirely sure why my friend told me, I haven’t met her daughter and her other friends have so maybe it was easier to off load about it, I don’t know.

OP posts:

Caulk · 22/10/2017 22:25

Re other support there is a local charity who provides an advocat who I met with a few times when it was looking like the police would investigate. They aren’t, so the charity signed me off their books. It was only ever legal support as I had the therapist already so didn’t qualify for help from them too.

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Pollaidh · 22/10/2017 22:36

Look after yourself first in this situation. I am sure she would understand - and maybe you could even say why if you felt comfortable.

Have you ever thought about EMDR treatment for the rape trauma? It's supposed to be amazingly effective in hardly any time at all. (NICE recommend it.)

RickOShay · 22/10/2017 22:36

Caulk, it is absolutely fine to gently disengage for a while, it really is just fine. Wishing you all the good things

Caulk · 22/10/2017 22:43

Thanks all, I was having a late night panic I was going to win the award for Worst Friend.

I’ve never had EMDR, but I have looked into it. I didn’t qualify for it as NHS because I had a therapist already and she isn’t trained in it.

OP posts:

RickOShay · 22/10/2017 22:49

probably the opposite

Aintgotnosoapbox · 22/10/2017 22:51

Hi OP. I think I understand a little bit. I get really worked up over certain things, especially while in therapy. I hate feeling left out, uncomfortable etc. and I hate therapy holiday gaps. I know that , in the absence of a solution, our minds will play on a problem. And make connections that aren't correct. So I mean, you don't know the detail about this friend and her daughter.I understand it highlights help you didn't have, but you don't know the detail. Many people do not even tell their parents about sexual assault as they prefer to tell aprofessional. I would consider if this meeting could have been triggering, and those are the feelings. Maybe re e mail the therapist if you think that could be what's happened, and then do what's best for you, either step back or confide feelings in friend.

Caulk · 22/10/2017 22:57

I think it needs to be step back. I feel reassured that that’s okay to do, and probably the most sensible.

I guess as more time passes they’ll be other occasions when it comes up and each time it’ll be easier to deal with. It’s jusf so fucking shit though, you know, just shit.

OP posts:

AuntyElle · 22/10/2017 23:11

I'm so sorry, Caulk

doobeydoo · 22/10/2017 23:17

Caulk I'm sorry this has happened and your encounter with your friend was so upsetting. If you feel the need to step back a little, of course you can, but I'd try to keep the door open to that friendship as you seem to value it.
Your friend may have narrativised what happened in a way that made it sound like the daughter was very supported but there could well be upset, anguish and confusion that she isn't communicating about, maybe because she is putting a brave face on it.

Caulk · 22/10/2017 23:28

Thank you all for reassuring me I’m not unreasonable.

Knowing this friend, she has probably been pretty normal in her response to her daughter but I’ve built it up in my head that she has been perfect and therefore I’ve felt more jealous than was reasonable.

OP posts:

allinclusive · 22/10/2017 23:57

I think it's right for you to step back, but be prepared for your friend to ask questions, as she may see it that she confided in you, and you let her down. Of course it doesn't matter what she thinks, but you might be asked to explain, so have an answer prepared.

DJBaggySmallpox · 23/10/2017 00:00

I think your new friends behaviour was questionable, she gave you way too much information without checking first to ask if it was ok. I'd back off.

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