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To need someone to give me a hug.

(11 Posts)
Cheerfullygo4 Mon 09-Oct-17 14:16:06

I feel exhausted with being the one in the family coping with all the emotions. I have a husband, three DDs 23,20,17 and Ds 11. DS struggling at the moment with friendships and has been a real prat to some of his friends and rightly so, some of the mums have called me about it. It was really upsetting but I’ve been since trying hard to support DS, discipline him and also encourage DH to take some time with DS to chat and be a good role model. DDs generally fine only with usual stuff like money, late homecoming, homework and lack of communication being their issues. DH does a lot for the family. Good at helping out girls with financial issues, tech issues and giving the lifts here there and everywhere. DH and I get on but he really is emotionally absent. He never hugs, kisses or touches not because he doesn’t love me but he just doesn’t think to. Not as bad with the kids. I have no parents, no older adults close in my life. AIBU to want a grown up to just give me a hug, pat my back and tell me that things will be okay. I am just tired being the one that has to think about and deal with all the emotions when there is no one to listen and offer me some advice. I had a strange upbringing and sometimes I feel that I don’t do this family stuff well. I suppose at times I just miss my Mum to listen to me.

Chocness Mon 09-Oct-17 14:32:39

I can't find a hug emoticon but here's a virtual one and some flowers instead 💐.

It sounds like you're having a shite time made all the worse by not being able to offload to another and gain some perspective/comaradery from another. Can you talk to your husband about how you feel? Mine's the same but he does listen and try to support when I open up in a calm and non-blaming way. Do you have any friends you could meet up with? any hobbies you could re/start? You have to make time for you and get these needs met somehow. I can be in the same state sometimes and what's helped is meeting other people (and finding my life is not that crap after all) to share my experiences with as well of course find out about theirs. With 4 kids you must be run ragged but its time to be a bit selfish now and get more of your needs met. A happy mum is a happy house after all.

Cheerfullygo4 Mon 09-Oct-17 14:51:17

Thanks for your kindness Chocness. I have friends but unfortunately they are the mums of the boys that DS has been horrible to. Don’t think they will have much sympathy. Things will work out, they always do. My DH is s good bloke but not proactive. Very practical and does emotion by saying ‘there, there’ or ignoring it all in a absent minded way. I work full time and don’t have many interests. Time to sort that I think.

SeaToSki Mon 09-Oct-17 15:04:12

Sending you a big hug. It is so difficult to remember yourself in the craziness of family life with 4 dcs. It sounds like you are doing a fantastic juggling job. Have you thought about starting a date day for you and DH. Even if its just to take a 30 min walk together, or grab a quick coffee. I often cant manage a night out with my DH every week, but I try to have 1 day a week where we both do something together with just the two of us. Last week he rode along with me when I was picking up a DC and we had a nice chat in the car. Hope you find yourself more balanced soon

jesterkat Mon 09-Oct-17 15:10:51

If you're anywhere near Preston you can have hugs from me and snuggles from toddler

tippz Mon 09-Oct-17 15:36:50

@Cheerfullygo4

Hope you feel OK soon. smile

You sound utterly shagged actually. Hardly surprising with 4 children and no parents to help now and again. And I am sorry your young son is having a shit time with friendship issues. sad

Sadly, as your post says - and as has been said on here before - some men are not proactive when it comes to childcare and chores and shit, and even in 2017, much of the drudgery and childcare falls to the woman. It's fucking annoying, but it is how it is with many women.

Men think that their only responsibility is going out to work, and the woman's responsibility is everything else.

I wish you well. You may need to give your man a kick up the arse though. If we don't ever tell men they are fucking useless (if they are,) then they won't know!

HUGS flowers

Cheerfullygo4 Mon 09-Oct-17 16:24:24

Thanks everyone. I should start doing stuff with my DH again. That’s all got lost in the ether of having children and attending to them. Best to start now before we retire and have nothing to say to each other. (retirement is a while off yet though). He is a very nice bloke but yep, just a bit useless.

JamPasty Mon 09-Oct-17 16:40:47

Hugs! Can you tell your DH "each day I need a hug when you come home, because I'm bloody exhausted and physical contact with you will help cheer me up" . He may be crap at being proactive but maybe he would be better with specific instructions.

recklessgran Mon 09-Oct-17 17:05:28

Ah OP - I'm with you! 5 DD's [adult] here.
DH is absolutely lovely and absolutely useless at the emotional stuff so I know just how you feel. In our case I think it is because we had all girls but not excusing him! Just didn't want to read and run. I have carried on with all the plate spinning myself all these years and completely understand how exhausting it is always being expected to come up with all the answers to everything! Hugs from over here!

Cheerfullygo4 Mon 09-Oct-17 18:18:31

Thank you. You are lovely people.

Gramgram Mon 09-Oct-17 18:29:25

Hugs and flowers. Try to find some time to relax, you deserve it.

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