Dating costs(8 Posts)
Dating a guy for a year, both late 40’s. I’ve one teenager who lives full time with me, he has no kids. I’m the higher earner by a fair bit but also more commitments, debt due to divorce etc. He’s quite comfortable. I feel more of our socialising costs fall to me. We don’t take turns as such but if he’s at mine, I’ll cook and buy alcohol and he’ll get some of the drinks if we go to the pub first, with me getting one in maybe. I drive us around more than he does. If other people offer to pay he’ll happily let them whereas I usually argue! It’s nothing on a par with Tequila/mince man but I just feel I’m shouldering more and he’s letting me. I’m not sure if because I earn more this is fine, but he does know the drains on my finances too. I have in the past been very foolish over money and paid for things for other people that would make you roll your eyes at me so I’m trying to be fairer on myself. I struggle to talk about money and would hate to be seen as grasping. Advice and views appreciated!
I should have said, if we go to his then he buys food for dinner and drinks but he’s at mine far more often because I have a teen at home
I think YABU unfortunately, but I can see how.
You argue with people who offer to pay? See, I could probably be termed a cocklodger in that scenario because if it was like
Me: oh I'll get these
You: nah it's fine I've got it
Me: you sure?
You: yes it's fine.
I'd be happy enough to let you pay - because I feel super awkward arguing about it. So it may be that he's become accustomed to that and doesn't feel able to step up a bit and pay for a few more things?
That said I'd be worried if a year in you couldn't discuss this!
When you invite him round just cook whatever you would have cooked for you and your kid anyway, if that's fish finger sandwiches then go ahead don't feel you have to cook a fancy meal just cos he's there. Ask him to pick up ingredients on the way over for anything more exciting. Don't invite him as much, go out more (though you should be 50/50 anyway so may cost you more). Stop driving you both long distances you wouldn't already be going.
It doesn't sound like it's that uneven, just because he tends to be at yours. But maybe it's about how you feel deep down (do you feel appreciated by him?) rather than little practical things.
I think you're just experiencing what men have had to deal with for millennia. Maybe he's tight, maybe it hasn't occurred to him that it's stretching your bank balance/patience.
If it's that much of an issue, why not raise it with him?
He sounds just very financially relaxed rather than a taker.
When he’s coming to yours and you’re cooking ask him to bring some wine or whatever you drink over.
If you’re driving long distances, stop at a petrol station and ask for £10/20 towards the petrol.
He’ll probably contribute when asked without batting an eyelid.
You sound like the kind of lovely person who will always offer to pay. In this case, I think you need to rein in that instinct. Let him do his share, and accept graciously when he offers.
It doesn't sound like he's massively taking the piss, but I think it's also important that you feel that there are boundaries in place here and you're not being taken for a ride.
Thank you all, these were the responses I was hoping for because I like this guy a lot. I’m a worrier, he’s very laid back. Just got a number of stresses at the moment and v easy to lose perspective and blow things up. Thank you
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