More of a WWYD, should I approach my sister- currently no contact

[littlebirdiebear]

This is a very long story and I'm no sure what I'm hoping to gain out of this.

Basically my sister has always been pretty horrible to me since I was a child, she's weirdly jealous, spiteful and bitchy about anything and anyone and has tried to negatively impact every positive experience in my life to date. She's pretty unkind in general, which really saddens me. I envy my friends relationships with their sisters. She's draining to be around and only really engages in proper conversation if it's putting someone else down.

I'm currently no contact with her but am sick of the awkwardness with my parents, if I ask what they are up to oh we are going to see your sister. Que awkward silence and then trying to get me to contact her.

I don't care for a relationship with her and I certainly don't want my DD to be close to her at all, but I almost want to clear the air with her and break the no contact just to stop my parents making every situation awkward. They are very controlling and my relationship with them has also taken a massive step backwards.

The nail in the coffin for me was when she was pretty unkind after I had a late miscarriage, rather than give a shit about my feelings or health as I was hospitalised she was more annoyed that I was trying for a baby- god knows why. My mum let this slip once and I can never forgive her or my sister for being so fucking heartless.

Fast forward to the most recent issue before the no contact, she got married and wanted my DD to be there. (Basically as a photo prop) I wasn't allowed to bring a pram or unsightly baby bag and the only baby item would be a high chair...she was 3 months and couldn't sit up...unsurprisingly this ended in DH and I agreeing not to go to the wedding. She was fuming and embarrassed that we didn't go, also because the grooms sister didn't attend due to my sister having a disagreement with her before the wedding...shocker! Deep down I think she wasn't hurt that I didn't go but more embarrassed as to what people would think.

My parents are still angry I didn't go and mention it constantly.

My pride is stopping me from contacting her as she will instantly announce that I'm guilt for being wrong because I contacted her etc etc, all very juvenile. Do I put the grown up pants on in this situation and just make peace or continue to ignore her?

I'm currently ttc #2 and I could do without any added stress as my last pregnancy was very complicated and high risk.

Thanks in advance.

[user1497357411]

She is toxic. Stay away from her.

[eyebrowsonfleek]

It sounds like your life is better without her in it. I would stay away.

[Ellendegeneres]

Christ why would you bother being in contact with that. She sounds like a nightmare, her poor husband.

Tell your parents your decision is made, you're an adult and if they don't accept it and insist on pushing the issue, you will leave- and stick to it.

[DailyMailDontStealMyThread]

I wrote a list of all the reasons to have a relationship with mine and all the reasons not to. Guess which list was way longer than the other?

I don't need that sort of nonsense so I'm nc and it's great

[scrivette]

Yes it may be sad for your parents but they don’t have to put up with her nastiness like you would have to.

It sounds like you should stay well away from her.

[MammaTJ]

No, you have done the right thing by going NC and should stay that way. If your parents keep on the go NC with them too!

[Outlookmainlyfair]

She sounds toxic but not going to her wedding was always going to have ramifications.
Having said that, don't torture yourself, if you are better off without her in your life stay that way. It is also up to her to reconcile with you.

[lurkingnotlurking]

Your parents will get the hint after a few years. Or you could try telling and reminding them that you no longer have or wish to have a relationship with her.

[Bornfreebutinbiscuits]

How odd your parents try and get you to contact her but don't get to the bottom of why you don't want to see her. Its very unfair and putting pressure on you like this doesn't show them in a good light..

[calamityjam]

I could've written most of your post. I am currently low contact with my sister. She can be very hard work. She does have mental health issues, but that doesn't excuse most of her shitty behaviour. At the moment its Facebook with her. She's been on it 2 months since she split up with her ex. Its as if she is the first person to find it. She actually rings me to like her posts. She went through my friends list and friended any nice looking male and harasses them on private messenger. She falls out with me every other month because I can't drop everything and do what she wants. I feel hurt, embarrassed and exasperated with her often. I don't know what to suggest but I can understand what you are going through.

[Justanothernameonthepage]

In your shoes I'd also take a step back from you DP, and if they ask why they don't see you soon much, be honest. Tell them it's better for your mental health not to see her, but they seem to be constantly bringing her up and its upsetting for you that they want you to risk your mental well-being. That you don't wish your sister any ill, but if you ever do decide to contact her, it won't be because you were pushed into it by them. That you love them, but would rather see them less than have it bought up, upsetting you and them. Oh an let them own the silence if they do keep bringing it up. After a minute, say brightly 'well, we all know I'm not going to contact her after all she's done and said. So what do you think about TV show/politics/new book? And every time they bring it up, repeat.

[nutbrownhare15]

It's absolutely the right thing to do to stay nc with her. Sounds like you are only considering getting in touch because you want a better relationship with your parents. Ultimately if they are as controlling and nasty as you say I don't think getting back in touch with her will help in the long run. The only thing that might help is establishing clear boundaries that they are not to make you feel so awful. I'm no expert but look up Fear Obligation Guilt as a starting point. I would be prepared to go NC if that doesn't work - do they actually bring anything good in your life? Love, support, etc? Or is it just stress and heartache?

[RandomMess]

Your parents are as much the problem as your sister!

What do your DP bring to your life?

[mummmy2017]

Everytime your parents mention your sister, just say I am so glad both of you see Sister, right now I do not feel in a place where spending time with her will accomplish any good, Maybe once I have the baby I can think again about this.

[Maelstrop]

Just stay nc. I don't see the point in being in contact with her. Just ensure your parents know you're serious and there will be no touching reconciliation.

[Leeds2]

I think you should remain NC with your sister, and consider going NC with your parents.

[FizzyGreenWater]

Good God, why on earth would you?!

I think you have it backwards. The grown up thing is what you are doing now - taking a decision yourself, for you and your actual nuclear family which is now your DH and DD and new baby, to not have a family history riven with nastiness and dysfunction.

Keep away from her. And I would also keep a healthy distance from your parents too - practice the 'We'll agree to disagree' with a smile, and a few well-chosen words about feeling so much better without the constant drain of bitchy, bullying behaviour.

[3luckystars]

I think you would feel better if you cleared the air with your parents!

'Mam, dad, you know why I didn't go to her wedding, I had a three month old and she wouldn't let me bring a pram or baby bag'
'She was also unkind when I had a miscarriage' you know that don't you.

Then say nothing.

Nothing.

Say it out loud to them and get it off your chest.

It's ok to cut people out who are stressing you out. You only have one life and the way you speak about wanting to ships your daughter from her, think about that. Your life and happiness is worth as much as your daughters. Be kind to yourself.

[3luckystars]

That should have said 'the way you speak about wanting to shield your daughter from her, think about that'

Sorry. And good luck!

[MidnightAura]

I am in your shoes with my sister.

Will your life be improved with her in it? By the sounds of it from what you have written it doesn't sound like it. You shouldn't try and force a relationship for the sake of your parents. Although I do understand it is hard when your parents want that relationship.

[MySecretThread]

Your parents and your sister sound awful but not going to the wedding was quite a dramatic thing to have done. I imagine after that that there isn't much point trying to contact her.

[littlebirdiebear]

Thanks all for the replies, much appreciated.

I love my parents and they do bring an aspect of support and love to my life, especially my Dad, we were always very close. The issue with my parents is mainly my Mum, she is VERY close to my sister, they spend all days off work together. As a result my parents would always involve themselves in our disagreements.

My Dad knows my mum is in the wrong sometimes but always tries to brush off pretty major things. I recently expressed to him when I saw him on his own that I felt Mum was always looking for a reason to put me down and I'm struggling with her comments, she accuses me of "starting" all the time when I question her exaggerations or judgement on others, it's as if I'm not allowed an opinion on anything. His response "well she was always great with you when you were younger..." as if it no longer matters because I'm an adult!?! Apparently I've changed?! It's bizarre. I'm just more vocal nowadays because I don't want my DD around this tone of conversation, but I want them to be in my life.
Maybe I'm just asking for too much?!

[RandomMess]

No you're not asking too much, your Mum and sister want you to stay the scapegoat!

[TheFrendo]

3luckystars has the approach nailed.

[jpclarke]

I could of wrote some parts of this post, except my parents blatantly took my “sisters” side and my relationship is not non existent with them now too. The way I look at it is, I got fed up with my kids having to listen to my parents give me crap about my sister in front of my children so I just stay away from them all now. Your sister won’t change especially if you go back to her.