MOTHER HELL- advice ?

[Blankuser1992]

My mother is a flaker

I'm perfectly prepared to get heat for this but I need to rant before I throw my entire suitcase out the top window.

So I'm moving out from home! ( now bearing in mind I lived on my own from 18-24 and have only come for 6 months to gather my bearings before the move in with my long term boyfriend).

My parents kindly offered me to stay at there's while this Happened and in return I cleaned up there house pretty much everyday and this wasn't just quickly do the dishes it was everything you can imagine.

Did I mind doing it? No.

Why? Because I'm one of those sad arseholes that finds cleaning therapeutic etc.

So fast forward six months of cleaning the house, doing errands for them, showing them stuff on social media, fixing the internet and looking after there house for them for two weeks while they went on holiday.

So a couple of weeks ago I asked my mother if she could kindly help me move my suitcases ( I don't drive and never will due to being quite uneasy on the road) and she said yes.

This is before her going on holiday, this is roughly four days after she's come back from her holiday so she is back in "work" mode etc.

Now back story on our relationship, moved out as a teen and pretty much was self sufficient for a lot of it, had a steady job and worked in the field I went to school for.

So all in all my life hasn't been hard however, she has mostly picked men over myself my entire life going from boyfriend to husband to husband ( affairs) and it genuinely does hurt me sometimes as it feels like she doesn't want to spend any time with me.

If I have ever brought this up she gets super defensive, to which I understand and advise I'm not attacking her for it I would just like us to be closer to which her response is that we are not friends.

-shrugs-

So today is the day of the move, I got up at 5am to finish packing, she leaves for work and then sends me a message asking if I could move a little earlier today.

So I said yes that's fine I'll be finished packing etc

Then she changes it again asking to do it in two weeks!

To which I'm kind of confused and annoyed, we have things arriving at the flat today, stuff needing to be sorted, and I did ask her this well in advance.

I said that we can't really because of other commitments ( following weeks are busy with my work, moving stuff, etc) and I just say that I would use the local taxi service

( £35 round trip to the flat)

It just struck me as very rude to not say anything while she was in the house with me but as soon as she was far away just drop me a message rather factly so as if i wasn't worth her face time.

Mumsnetters : I understand that mums have lives of there own but I will never understand how if your child complains about how your treating them, your child is always the bad person and is ungrateful.

[Subtlecheese]

It's her. I mean my mum is awful but in a different way. There are nice mum's out there.
I hope the move goes well.

[Marmalady75]

Your mum isn't a flake - she is a horrible, selfish person. Get on with your own life and try to enjoy this time with your bf in your new flat.

[RoseWrites]

You sound lovely. Unfortunately people - including parents - can be selfish. And emotionally defensive. Don't take it personally, she sounds like she has issues to work through.
Take the cab, get yourself settled, and pop out and buy yourself some nice flowers to brighten up your new home. I hope you enjoy living there.

[WellThisIsShit]

"Mumsnetters : I understand that mums have lives of there own but I will never understand how if your child complains about how your treating them, your child is always the bad person and is ungrateful."

Who told you that?

Parents are people too, and don't have any special dispensation to act a certain way, but I'm sure you know that.

Your mother sounds annoying and unreliable. You cannot do anything about that. You can't change her and by putting yourself into situations where you need to rely on her, you are setting yourself up to be let down and hurt.

As you become a fully independent adult, it's also a good time to start taking care of your own emotional health.

Why would you expect your mother to behave differently now?

I think you need to change your own expectations and behaviour, unless you want to repeat this cycle for the rest of yours/your mothers lives?

[DigitalGhost]

Your mum isn't a flake, she's an arsehole.
Get the taxi, move all your stuff in then go buy a bottle of wine! Hope everything goes well with the move

[GhoulsFold]

I have a mum who's similar. Men and selfish things over me and siblings until she needs us for something. I too left home young. In my 20s I moved over 200 miles away and see her once to twice a year. I'm in a much better place mentally for putting both physical and emotional distance between us. The hurt of loving a mother who never loved me in the same way, never had my back in the same way, never helped me out with anything - if she did she never let me forget it so I stopped ever asking her. She also revelled in being mean to me for years. Now I don't give her the opportunity.

It's not flaky, it's nasty. She's selfish. Move in with your boyfriend and live your own life. Don't rely on her for anything so she can't continuously let you down. You'll be better for it

[KimmySchmidt1]

I dont undertand why you offered to get a taxi? It feels like you were playing "do you love me enough" with her - ie pretending to be willing to take a taxi when really you wanted her to say "no no no I will do it I am your mother".

She is a selfish person. that will never change. Selfish people need to be managed. The only way you are going accomplish that is to put the onus on her as much as you can to force her selfishness through. So if she says "can we move it to two weeks" you say "no, that will not work. See you at 3pm. I really appreciate it".

She rationalises her selfishness by telling herself that you don't need her, as evidenced by your decision to get a taxi. Don't let her tell herself those lies - force her to confront her own behaviour by not giving her get out clauses.

[Zaurak]

Just to play devils advocate here a bit, you have been living in their house and taking over somewhat. If a MIL posted here saying 'I moved in with my DIL and have been cleaning up because her house is a mess' you'd be in for quite a flaming.

You need to live independently and learn to drive or accept that you will need to take taxis. You sound quite entitled to live in their house and have them drive you.

Your mum may well be flaky, but you're a grown adult, not a teen who needs lifts.

[Winteriscomingneedmorewood]

Sounds like she wanted the live in maid for another fortnight. .
She has done you a favour - you can detach yourself guilt free from on now and get stuck into your new life!!
Happy new home op!!

[Blankuser1992]

Heya Zaurak

In regards to your comment -

I don't think you really read through what I said, I have lived independently through my teens into my mid twenties.

Also it was my mother who suggested me doing the cleaning etc it isn't partially my fault that they don't clean as they go.

I don't think it's entitled of myself to ask my mother for a lift rather than spent a fair whack of my weekly income on a taxi when most mothers I know would just offer and not pull out at the last moment.

But your comment seems to be a reflection of the type of parenting that doesn't have children coming back home to visit much.

[guilty100]

Your mother is being selfish. I think your reaction to this is not really about the practical problem of the packing/unpacking - which you solved yourself - but the emotional side of it, feeling let down and abandoned by someone who promised to help. Which is normal, natural and reasonable.

Like you, I have a family that doesn't offer much in the way of practical help. It's frustrating when so many other parents are so very lovely and caring, but you just have to get on with living your own life in complete independence. The sooner you stop relying on her for help, the less you'll be hurt in future.

For balance, I also think it's important to recognise what they HAVE done for you. Having someone to stay for 6 months isn't a minor thing, even when they are the perfect houseguest who cleans all the time.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

No this is not how we think of the archetypal mother. I think £35 is a small price to pay to be away from your mother. As you said, you won't be visiting her much now, will you? In the long run, that will save on taxis or buses or petrol. She reaps what she sews as does my birth family.

[diddl]

I agree with a pp that you should have said that no, 2wks was no good.

How did you end up needing 6oths with her?

Where's the boyfriend-couldn't he have fetched you?

[Dumdedumdum]

OP do you know what "playing devil's advocate" means? I think your criticism of the pp rather unfair.
You didn't get any reason for the change? Maybe she is sad you are leaving! I am concerned about your remarks about driving - medical reasons aside for a woman to refuse to learn to drive does make you very dependant on other people.

[Livingdiisgracefully]

Your mother is entirely unreasonable and seems to want you ro mother her rather than the other way around! If you have any expectations of her at all, you will continue to be disappointed and feel let down. Do you have any other relatives - father, aunt, siblings - who you can rely on? If so, I would focus my emotional energy on them and your dp. Your mother is not going to change, sorry OP.

and good luck in your new home.

[Anatidae]

But your comment seems to be a reflection of the type of parenting that doesn't have children coming back home to visit much.

Nope. My kids will be able to rely on me for absolutely anything at any time, until the day I drop dead.

My point is that you don't seem grateful you've had somewhere to live for half a year, you're just complaining about cleaning. You excuse that you can't drive (ok, not everyone should be on the roads) then expect people to drive you. If you can't drive, you need to take responsibility for your own transport.

Your mum shouldn't have flaked on you. But you don't sound like an adult driving your own life forward. The way your post is written sounds very entitled

[Blankuser1992]

So it seems most people do have the same response

"She is not going to change" and your all most certainly right and paying for a taxi ride is most certainly the lesser of two evils rather than having an argument.

I think it's like most of us.. we hold out hope don't we?

( upon reading other threads my life is very easy)

I don't have a big family to help out etc

Also along with the driving thing - I had so many lessons which weren't cheap ( not paid for by family but myself) and it just made me so anxious all of the time, yes I understand driving is easier but it physically makes me go into a panic.

To the people talking down to me, for those who have left comments that are not constructed but are in a way shaming me for holding out the olive branch of peace I hope you have better days.

[Blankuser1992]

Anatidae

I don't understand how asking for a favour makes me ungreatful, I asked for it weeks in advance etc

Also, I don't sound like an adult?

Maybe you should look at how hard some 20 year olds are having it now.

I have a degree, I have a full time job, I speak three languages and have been in a relationship for the best part of my twenties.

what you seem to forget is that my life is in its early stages as I'm no where near my best years yet.

[Zaurak]

Devils advocate means expressing the other point of view as a method of discourse. It generally means the other person isn't actually holding that view, they are using it as a counterpoint or device to make the person reflect on possible weaknesses in their argument.

My son could come back and live with me any time. My siblings have gone back to live at home for various periods. All were extremely grateful for the help and didn't see it as them doing my parents a favour because they did cleaning. All insisted on paying rent.

Living in someone's else home for half a year and complaining about cleaning and social media like you're doing them a huge favour is the ungrateful bit. She's done you a favour letting you live with her for six months. I'm assuming you paid rent and helped with bills/supermarket shops?

She should have stuck to giving you a lift if she'd promised to do so. In that she is unreasonable and flaky and yes, that's let you down.

You sound very dramatic. All this dramatic 'all those who don't agree with me' stuff. posting on AIBU may not be the place for those who don't want to hear a differing opinion, or who react dramatically.

She flaked, you can't rely on her, but you could learn to drive or get a taxi.

And live by yourself. No one outside of the ruling classes or the rich has ever had it easy. Each generation has their own pressures, each has their own set of circumstances. The one before me had to deal with being bombed in their beds and rationing. Unless you're born loaded most people have to work hard for anything they have. Learning to drive will make your life much easier and give you freedom not to rely on others.

Enjoy your new place and get some more driving lessons.

[Blankuser1992]

Zaurak

I think the better option for me is to probably not take your words to heart and to continue on... dramatically etc

Thank you everyone else :)