AIBU to make DD13 buy a new school jacket with her own money

[mikeyssister]

DD13 has just started secondary school. She's a divil for leaving stuff down, not putting things away, leaving stuff behind etc etc. We've been trying to work with her for years trying to teach techniques so she'll remember to check she has everything with her.

It's lashing rain today so I told her before she left to catch the bus to school to put her jacket on. Turns out she can't find it, has no idea when she last had it or last saw it. She remembers seeing a jacket on top of the lockers in school and is hoping it's hers.

She went to school knowing we're not annoyed with her, but being very clear that if she's lost her jacket she has to pay for the new one with her savings. It'll cost €65.

AIBU to insist she pays for it because:

1. We can afford it
   
2. She's only just started secondary and is still getting used to moving classrooms and having to bring all her stuff with her
   
3. The money she'll be using was given to her as presents
   
4. She's a really good girl who causes us very little trouble
   

Hopefully, she'll find it in school, but if she doesn't we'll need to make a decision.

[RB68]

but

1. The leaving stuff around is a REALLY bad habit
   

so I would say make her pay half and say the next thing is full price

[Notreallyarsed]

We had this with DS1 and also DSD2, it got to the point that they didn’t give a shit about their stuff because they knew we’d replace it. So we stopped, and insisted they replaced things they’d been careless with. Funnily enough they both got a lot more careful with their things!

[DarceyBusselsNose]

Has she been to lost property?
Was it marked with her name?

[Ttbb]

Nope, sounds like an excellent idea.

[FaithAgain]

I was flipping useless with stuff like this. Lost loads of stuff, mostly from not looking back before I left somewhere. I would make her pay half. She will not learn to take responsibility unless it is impressed upon her and contributing financially will help with that.

[Columbine1]

It would be U because it's such a lot of money for her but not so much for you. Perhaps issue a final warning that next time she will need to pay or ask for £10? contribution. I know how annoying it is - DS misplaced brand new rugby shirt & many other things at school. Too far for me to go in easily. Usually managed to retrieve things from sports clubs though and was always amazed at the piles of branded stuff no one had bothered to look for in lost property.

[Porpoises]

Aaw its hard when you've just started secondary. Tbh even now if i had to move everything 6 times a day, take the right equipment for 6 activities, in an environment with hundreds of people also moving around with similar looking belongings to mine... whilst also trying to get to grips with new types of work and make new friends... i think i would also forget stuff!

Don't punish too harshly, as you can afford it then maybe just make her pay a token amount or do a few chores. She didn't do it on purpose.

[Helenluvsrob]

The deal we had was we'd replace anything once then after that they'd have to pay...

[mikeyssister]

@DarceyBusselsNose, no not yet she'll be going in this morning. Yes it has her name.

I'm definitely leaning towards just a contribution this time, but her three older siblings all manage to get through the day without losing things.

She's so frustrating.

No, we didn't get annoyed with her because she didn't do it on purpose but it's just so bloody frustrating.

[meyouus]

I would replace it this time, and then if it happens again make her pay half and if it happens anymore then she pays the whole amount (and if she has no savings then she was to "earn it" buy doing extra chores etc)

[mikeyssister]

I could fecking kill her. She texted me at lunchtime to say the jacket on top of the lockers was hers. So I told her to make sure she brought it home.

She waltzes in, delighted with herself because it's the weekend, dancing in her jumper. Her jumper!!!!

So I quietly ask "Where's your jacket?" AND SHE'S ONLY GONE AND LEFT IT ON TOP OF THE LOCKERS, AGAIN.

[SagelyNodding]

Is it terrible that I laughed?? Kind of hollowly as I can see my 2 boys being exactly the same in secondary... DS2 lost 2 coats within 3 weeks last winter...

Sympathies, OP

[Aquamarine1029]

You absolutely should make her pay for the things she loses. She's 13 and it's high time she learns that there are consequences for being so irresponsible. The excuse that she doesn't "mean to" lose things is not acceptable. You will be doing her no favors if you continue to bail her out every time she screws up. As for coming home yet again without the jacket, if I were you I would punish her for being so damn flakey. That is just ridiculous.

[mikeyssister]

I don't intend to punish her for forgetting again. She knows I'm disappointed and annoyed and that's enough.

If the jacket doesn't come home on Monday she'll be in trouble, and if it's lost well...

[Crumbs1]

We were all thirteen once and all made worse mistakes. Not a good habit but better than underage sex or drinking,

[mikeyssister]

And I don't bail her out every time she "screws up". In fact she very seldom "screws up". I don't believe that a 13 year old really can "screw up".

[mikeyssister]

I take it back @Crumbs1 is right 13 year olds can screw up. She doesn't drink or have sex....yet.

[Armadillostoes]

I think that it was be good to.replace it for her. The transition to secondary is stressful and she is generally sensible. It is probably the time to show her that you are on side, rather than making her feel useless for messing up.

[Wolfiefan]

Oh bugger. My 7 year old is JUST like this. I was hoping she would have her shit together before secondary school.
SOB!

[Armadillostoes]

Sorry-would be, not was! I think that you have the right approach OP.

[mikeyssister]

Yippee, jacket came home today. Now to deal with the premium app that charges €7.50 per week that she's denying signing up for.

[TammySwansonTwo]

Have you seen those little tags you can buy that link to an app in your phone? You attach them to an item and then you can see the location via the phone (which is great, until you lose your phone obviously!). They're not cheap so can't put them on everything but maybe just the more expensive / large items (bag, costly jacket etc)? Just a thought!

[BarbarianMum]

Ds1 was exactly like this until he had to pay for a new jumper and a new watch in quick succession (age 10). He's still really dreamy now but he's really careful about his stuff. Given that he's just started secondary, this is a good thing.

[Fekko]

I'd get her to pay a bit towards it (maybe £10) and to work off the rest (bin duty or changing the beds). Ds is the same but sometimes other kids/parents 'liberate' nice new school kit...

[mikeyssister]

Ha, I'm on a rule. She's getting a refund of €32.50 of phone credit. And a massive lecture and warning about phone usage.