To refuse to let her have my LO again?

[BLUESEAPARADISE]

MIL asked if she could spend a few hours with DS alone, DS is 9 years old and is developmentally 9-18 months old and also extremely small for his age ( fits in size 2-3 years clothes and even then can be too big depending on shop)

MIL not long ago dropped DS back home and when I went out to meet them I found DS was sat in the front seat and not in his car seat ( due to his weight and hight he needs to be in one) when ask why he wasn't in his car seat ( I gave it to her earlier on and even plugged it in the car ready) she said that every time she went to put him in his car seat he would cry and she didn't want to upset him and make him stressed.

When I went out to meet them the seat belt was right over the side of his face as he was obviously too small to be riding without a car seat but it didn't change MIL opinion on the situation as she said " it was just across town and he was upset"

I know it can be difficult to hear children cry but surely his safety comes first? It isn't like she was wrestling an average size 9 year old in a car seat so it is a lot earlier in that way but now I know when we go out in the car he will want to sit in the front with no car seat again!

DS is mainly non verbal ( can say a couple of odd words here and there but nothing regular) and explaining safety too him and why he needs to be in the car seat is too much for him to understand!

AIBU to be annoyed?

[fannydaggerz]

Yes, this is a huge safety issue! I would be extremely annoyed too.

[PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon]

I wouldn't allow it. Car seats are there for kids safety and are a legal requirement. DD hates going into hers (at the age of 1) but she doesn't have an option. Obviously it's a little different as yours is 9 but the risks are still the same.
I would much rather 'upset' the child and keep them safe than have to deal with the potential aftermath of an accident.
Also, you don't mention if the airbags were disabled and they can cause serious injuries if in a crash and they go off

[YourHandInMyHand]

Is she old and frail? I'm guessing not. Just thinking my sons nan wouldn't be able to wrestle even a toddler into a carseat if they were unwilling but then as she's not very sprightly she wouldn't have him alone in the first place.

As an adult in charge of a child you HAVE to be firm when it comes to safety, if she can't be the responsible voice of reason then she isn't responsible enough to have him alone or drive him around.

[BlurryFace]

YANBU, if I were in charge of a child in these circumstances I would have either a)wrestled them into the seat anyway or if I couldn't I would have b)called the parent for advice on the matter.

[Xchangedtohideid]

Not a chance would she have him again if he were mine. It doesn't matter if she agrees with you or not- he's your son and you make the rules, especially over something so important!

[BenLui]

Safety first. In your position wouldn't let her drive him ever again.

[Yesbutnobutmaybe]

Yanbu and I'd never let her have him again.

[ImDoingLaundry]

YANBU. Kids hate the car seat sometimes, but I'd rather put up with a tantrum or some tears than them being in an unsafe position in case of a crash.

I don't understand the "oh but I'm a really safe driver" or "it's only across town". They could be the best driver in the world, but all it takes is some other twat to crash into them

[BLUESEAPARADISE]

Thankyou everyone ... I honestly thought she wouldn't be like this :/ I never thought she would put my son in danger

[OhWotIsItThisTime]

She's being crap. Is your ds her first grandchild? As she may be kicking up against 'well, in my day we just let them ride in the boot'.

[BLUESEAPARADISE]

My DS is her 4th ( she has 8 in total) but we notice she sadly treats him a bit different to the others .. she even has a piggy bank at hers especially for my DS and puts her loose change in the piggy bank all the time ( loose change soon adds up.. I have told her she need to share it amongst All the grandchildren or not at all but sadly isn't listening) and just spoils him more than her other grandchildren which is sad as I have said she needs to treat them all equally ( the other grandchildren are unaware that she treats them all differently) I think she just wants to try and be his best friend more than a grandmother and doesn't want to ruin " their friendship" even if that means putting him at risk

[Aquamarine1029]

Your MIL is totally irresponsible and you should never allow her to be alone with your child again. End of story.

[Alicetherabbit]

Yanbu, I struggle to get my almost two year old into a car seat, I could almost understand if he had capacity of a nine year and didn't want to be in a "baby" seat,but if he doesn't have that capacity then there are no excuses. Hope you are OK OP and put this down to lesson learned, luckily this time nothing happened, and mil is never to have him again

[emmyrose2000]

she didn't want to upset him and make him stressed

He'd have been even more upset and stressed if there'd been an accident and he'd ended up injured or worse due to the lack of proper restraint. Stupid woman! (Her, not OP!).

I'd never again let someone have charge of my child/ren if they were willing to risk their safety and life like that.

[Madwoman5]

When she had her kids, seatbelts and carseats were probably not law. They are now and, your concerns aside, she broke the law. You need to speak to your dh about this as she put your ds in danger and her licence at risk because she wanted the easy route. This is non negotiable. Kids go in carseats end of. If she cannot or will not do this, she cannot drive with him in the car. She could still see him but only if you dropped off and collected. Once this is clear, she has a choice. My il's did this when dc was a baby and transported whilst in a moses basket on the back seat. It was ok because they drove slowly. Could not understand why i was so upset!

[Neutrogena]

YANBU - be angry, tell her why you're angry, put boundaries in place and finally move on.

[Cookingongas]

Yanbu- completely unnecessary risk, that demonstrates an inability to risk assess appropriately when in charge of a child. It's about her not wanting to be stressed (by his tantrum/tears etc) not about him getting stressed. If she were considering his wellbeing she would have used the car seat

[ittakes2]

I would be furious. If she insists on being an idiot about the safety issue - point out to her she is also acting illegally and if stopped by police could be fined. Not to mention if she was to have a car accident, her insurance wouldn't pay out if she has been found to be acting illegally. I found this out when asking car insurance companies about using overseas car seats - they said didn't matter if the accident involved the car seat or not - it's doing something illegal which voids the insurance.

[grandOlejukeofYork]

I wouldn't be happy either, but I don't see why the negativity. She's hid grandmother and she clearly loves him a lot. That's a good thing. Sit down, talk like grown ups and sort it out calmly. Don't do the MN thing of ranting and raving and calling her names and going NC.

[BhajiAllTheWay]

Well its not safe is it. Shes coming from a good place granted in that she adores him but shes got to learn not to compromise safety for fear of upsetting him. You need to calmly tell her. Presumably you want to carry on having a good relationship so talk and make sure she gets it. If you have the chat and youre not convinced shes on board with it...obviously you'll need to make some decisions