To be annoyed with my OH for going out 3 nights a week

[MilsCookie]

I probably ABU, but I just feel a bit fed up now and I want to know if I should just keep my mouth shut about it and stop being grumpy, or if my feelings are rational.

Bit of back story: I have been in a long term relationship with my OH. Met at uni, were together for 4 years then had a break. Got back together again 2 years later and have now been back together for 3 years. We're in our late 20s. He moved to London after uni (partly why we broke up). I moved down 2 years ago to be with him (made more sense for me to move because of the job I do). We have lived together for the past 2 years and bought a flat about 6 months ago. He's got a very large group of friends here, all from different walks of his life. I have a handful of friends that I've made myself, and some mutual friends of ours from uni. OH plays A LOT of golf, pretty much every other weekend, and it's not just an hour or two, golf takes up most of the day. Sometimes he's away for the entire weekend playing golf. He also goes out quite a lot in week after work for drinks, not getting home until 10/11pm, meaning I usually stay in and cook for myself. The last few weeks, he has been out weds, Thurs and Fri and then played golf on one of the weekend days.

I'm just starting to get a bit fed up, because unless I make my own plans, then I'm stuck at home and it's starting to get lonely. Obviously I do try and make plans to see my friends but it's not always possible. The job I have isn't in central London, so people don't just 'pop' for drinks after work.

I moved my whole life to London for him, and he knows I don't have tons of friends or family here. AIBU to feel annoyed and fed up that he chooses to spend most of his evenings out with his friends? I also feel annoyed that the days he chooses to spend with me are the days other people don't go out (Monday/Tuesday). I dunno.... I just sometimes feel like I'm his second choice.

Please tell me if I'm being unreasonable and need to man the f**k up!!

Thanks for listening/reading.

[UrethaFranklin]

YANBU. I wouldn't be happy with that at all.

Have you discussed it with him?

[MusicToMyEars800]

He is being unthoughtful and self centred! Tell him how you feel, I had this very same problem with my OH, he was going out 3-4 sometimes even 5 nights in a row, I gave him an ultimatum of single life or relationship, I told him I was fed up and feeling quite hurt and lonely with being left at home on my own, It did the trick because now he only goes out at the weekend and maybe once during the week, which I don't mind as I like time to myself sometimes.

Have you suggested you both go out together? If you don't have children, you still have that freedom to go out together and do different things together, that wouldn't always be possible to do when you have children.
You definitely do not need to man the f**k up, he does and needs to see how lucky he is to have you.

[MilsCookie]

Thank you both. I have discussed it before with him and to be fair, he does always say 'I know I go out a lot/play golf and you're always so understanding'. He also tells me I should try and get more hobbies so that I can make more friends. I understand that but it's hard to just pick up a new hobby (especially when I'm not sporty), and even then it's not guaranteed that I'll make new friends. To me though that's not even the solution. I want to spend more time with him! Seeing him 2/3 nights a week when we live together doesn't seem normal. I arranged for us to go to a comedy club a few Saturdays ago, just the two of us (we also spend a lot of our weekends with a group of friends), and it was so nice. A rare night out just the two of us. I find it weird that it's so rare.

I'm starting to feel like he doesn't want to spend his time with me. 😞

[MusicToMyEars800]

I know how you feel, Tell him exactly what you're telling us, Tell him the reason you moved in together and you relocating to London was so you could spend the quality time together.
Do you plan on having children together?

[HelenaDove]

Dont have kids with him because it wont change.

[MilsCookie]

The reason I wrote this post because I expected him home this evening, began cooking for us both and then he text saying he was out for someone's 'leaving drinks' and it was a last minute thing. I feel pathetic. He was meant to be playing golf tomorrow but he said he's cancelled it because he is aware he's been out a lot this week. Am I supposed to feel grateful?

Yes, the plan is to have children with him one day.

[Mrskeats]

I knew from the thread title it was going to be golf again.
I couldn't be doing with it personally.

[Dina1234]

He's still very young by London standards. As he gets older his fried won't go out as much, brother will he.

[MissionItsPossible]

Talk to him, openly and honestly like you have done on here and if nothing changes then you will seriously have to ask yourself whether or not you need to end the relationship.

[OnlyHereForTheFeminists]

He's telling you to get your own hobbies so that you'll both be out several nights a week. When you have a baby one of you will need to stay at home on those nights. Do you think it'll be him? More likely that you'll find yourself in this exact position again, resenting it even more because you've had to give up your hobbies.

Try to sort this out before having kids, it's not unreasonable to expect your partner to want to spend time with you.

[Sarikiz]

He is selfish and self centred. I could not put up with that he is living life as a single man with you at home and sex on tap. In my opinion thats not normal.
I would give him an ultimatum.

[MusicToMyEars800]

Well I was going to say if you were planning on having kids to get this sorted asap, but I see PP's have already said exactly what I was going to say.
I know this because me and my OH already had 2 dcs when he was going out all the time, I told him that I might aswell be a single parent and living on my own as that's what I practically was at the time anyway.
You definitely need to have a serious chat with him, tell him how you feel with complete honesty.

[Motoko]

So, when you told him you wanted him to not go out as often because he was leaving you home alone, his response was to suggest you get more hobbies or friends?
Nice.

Don't have kids with him if he doesn't cut back and spend more time with you. If you do, you'll be the one stuck in with the baby all the time while he goes out, spending the family money on booze and golf.

You need to have another talk, and if he changes, make sure it's permanent. If he goes back to his old ways, you need to reconsider this relationship.

[scrabbler3]

I'm seeing this slightly differently, I don't find it weird. My friends and I lived like this in London when we were 22-30ish. Everyone had their own "work friends" who they'd go out with after work, and the gang would all hang out as couples on Friday and Saturday nights. Some of us went to football matches on Saturdays, I went to watch Richmond play rugby with two friends quite often, two of the girls were yoga addicts....none of us had much "couple time" although we were happy couples. But when babies came along, things changed dramatically for both the men and the women, we all grew up and moved to the next phase. Do you think he'd still enjoy that "Young Professional Londoner" lifestyle as a dad aged 35+ ? No. He'd be knackered for a start.

[HelenaDove]

scabbler..........Are you new??!!


Because there have been loads of threads on here from MNers who are further down the line than the OP and are at home doing the childcare while their DHs are out persuing their hobbies.

[MilsCookie]

Thank you for all the replies and comments, and for the other side of coin, scrabbler3. I don't think I would be as bothered if I also had loads of friends in London and could go and do my own thing three nights a week, but the fact is I don't have a typical 'London life' - I work out of the city.

I take on board all of your comments and will speak to him when he gets home (and try not to get emotional!) thanks again MNetters 😘

[JustMarriedBecca]

I think you both need to make hay whilst you can. Once you have kids you have to start running home for nursery pick up and you stop living IN London, at least for a while.

I say this because I've done it. My now husband went out 3 out of 7 nights pre kids. Usually a Wednesday for football, Friday for work drinks and then maybe out (yes often golf) on a weekend day. We used to have the wives and girlfriends of his golf friends over on a Saturday night for dinner.

We then had kids and that stopped. Saying 'don't have kids with this man' is ridiculous. You're young and living in the greatest city in the world. Enjoy it. Whilst you can.

And as for you not having any hobbies that's not really his fault. Go swimming, have a massage, have some you time. I bet if you're more relaxed in your relationship it won't feel like such a big deal.

[Sisinisawa]

Ffs Justmarried the OP has too much "you time" that's the bloody issue!

[AnnaleeP]

Don't understand why you aren't going out with him on these 3 nights a week. Are his friends not also your friends?

You sound like more of a homebody than he is so I wonder if this is just not a case of being incompatible.

If he wasn't going out with his friends, would you want to be out with him or would you want to be at home with him?

[K1092902]

I feel me and DH have the perfect balance- and we have 18 year old DSD2 (been here since was 14) and DD who is 3 to consider. DsD1 lives here now but is 26.

Every weekend we take it in turns to have a day off each- ie one Saturday I'll go out, the next he will go out or it may be that I go on Sunday and he goes the following Saturday etc. Usually he also plays golf, usually I either go out with friends or just have a day out to myself although there is exceptions to the rule and if one of us goes out a extra night then the other does too.

If he goes for work drinks after work on a Friday that's fine. He needs his own social life just like I need mine- we both say one evening a week each.

We go on a date night once a month.

I'd be interested to know how your boyfriend would react if you chose to go out those nights he was in? Maybe a way to try and teach him a lesson and put as much effort into your relationship as he is doing

[MilsCookie]

I bet if you're more relaxed in your relationship it won't feel like such a big deal.

My first reaction to this was a bit defensive. But then I thought about it and I agree. If we actually did more together, and I felt like he made more time for me, then I probably wouldn't batter an eyelid when he went out 3 nights in a row. So thank you for helping me to realise this.

Annalee - I am definitely more of a homebody than he is, but I do like going out as well. We have lots of friends in common yes, but these aren't always the ones he goes out with. On Wednesday night it was one of his friend's (who I know) birthday, and just a lads night. On Thursday it was his golfing lot (after we spoke last night he did say he should've invited me to this but he didn't think). On Friday it was a last minute work friend's leaving do. Tonight we're both going out with the same group of people for a friend's birthday.

K109- it sounds like you have a good balance. He probably wouldn't like it if I was always out as well, or maybe he would because then it would mean he could go out as much as he wanted!!

When he got home last night (10pm) I told him exactly how I felt and got quite emotional about it all. I said I didn't mind that he went out, but sometimes he should think a bit more about spending time with me. I said I felt that he chose to spend time with his friends over me a lot of the time and he said he could see why I thought that but that it wasn't the case. He did listen and apologised for making me feel this way. He felt bad for not inviting me on the Thursday night and said he just didn't think. I told him I don't want to be with someone who I only see on Monday/Tuesday nights, that I want to be with someone who would choose to spend more time with me. I didn't give him an ultimatum per se, but I said that something had to change. He apologised and said he'll make it up to me. He's currently making a fancy breakfast 👍.

I'm glad I spoke to him about it and I'll see how it goes. I realise that we are in the London bubble (him more than me) and that our lives won't always be like this.

Thank you for all the advice MNetters ...hopefully the problem is now resolved! 😊