to expect my ex to grow some!!

[rantinghousewife]

My ds is 13, my ex (his dad) is a complete waste of space (as far as fathering goes). We're both remarried with other children, he lives 3/4 of a mile away and has seen ds ONCE in the last six months. And that was only because he dropped his dc at his mothers whilst ds was there. Now I think my ds has grown used to the ex's complete indifference to him over the years, lord knows he's had plenty of practice. But last weekend, the BIL (who works with the ex) informs us that the ex is emigrating with his family!! I've not said anything to ds, yet and quite frankly I think the ex should tell him but, I have a sneaking suspicion that the reason he told BIL is so that he doesn't have to!! Yes he really is that callous. What on earth am I going to do. Apart from the fact that it couldn't come at a worse time, he's bloody 13 for crying out loud, hello Mr Ex, puberty, I'm just really worried that ds is going to be so hurt and upset by this. Has anybody else been in this position? I would be so grateful for some advice, I'm so with the ex, I could swing for him, I really could.

[singingmum]

You poor thing.My heart goes out to you and your son.What a b your ex is.

[zippitippitoes]

my exh had shared custody of the children until he moved to HK

pretty poor not to see ds more often and not to talk to him about the move

I would expect him to be paying for visits overseas for ds and to come back to the uk from time to time to visit him

[rantinghousewife]

Thank you, singingmum, hearing someone say that makes me feel so much better, I'm starting to think that I'm going mad and I'm the one with the problem. I can't sit here crying about it but everytime I think of the effect it's going to have on ds that's exactly what's happening. Ds just doesn't deserve this, he's such a nice lad.

[rantinghousewife]

zippitippitoes, if only. He lives within walking distance at the moment and can't rouse himself enough to see him more than twice a year as it is. He tells ds to phone him when he wants to see him, so ds does just that but he's always too busy. Think ds has given up!! Thank you for your support tho', glad i'm not the only one to have dealt with this.

[sunnysideup]

ranting, that's so sad to hear. There are dads out there wanting desperately MORE contact and it's so awful that there are men out there who don't bother at all.

Actually I do think it makes life clearer and simpler for all; it may make the rejection easier for your ds in a way because it's not a daily occurrence; at the moment it must feel obvious to your ds that his dad COULD see him, but doesn't. At least if his dad's abroad there just isn't that possibility.

As you say, your ds is at a crucial age so I would look to the positive and find him a male role model that he can admire and look up to and who knows how to treat a family...does he have anyone like this in his life? If not, I know it may not be easy to find but maybe it's possible?

I do feel for you and your ds, you're right to feel so angry.

[sunnysideup]

Have you read 'Raising Boys' by Steve Biddulph? He's got some interesting thoughts on male role models for boys, it's a really good read.

[hoolagirl]

Have only read original post.
Sorry to hear this, for what its worth my step son is 13 and lives with me, his mum buggered off 2 years ago and there has been practically no contact and he really isnt that bothered.
I think kids are more resiliant than we think.
HTH

[rantinghousewife]

Thank you everyone, feeling better just being able to get it off my chest. Sunnyside, I'll look into getting a copy of that book, sounds good. Luckily, he is very close to my dh (current ha ha)and they have a pretty good relationship,it's just the blood thing that sometimes (although lately this is less often) raises it's head. It does help my ds , I think, that my ex's parents make a real effort to see him. To the extent that whenever he calls and asks to see them, they always welcome him and even pick him up. But I'd rather not involve them, they don't have a very good relationship with his wife and I think it would be unfair to them.

[rantinghousewife]

Hoolagirl, think you could be on to something, maybe I'm just being over dramatic.And I've been bottling it up aswell. Mainly I think because my dh can't see the problem, he thinks ds will be totally unaffected and anyway he's got him. I hope he is right.

[rantinghousewife]

Ha ha, yeah I've thought about doing far worse, public flogging springs to mind. See this is another thing, not sure I've done the right thing by making excuses for my ex. But then if I was 13 and my mum told me the truth, I think I'd just disbelieve her. And when he does see him, we have to live with 3 weeks of ds listing his (oh so many) likeable qualities!! Writing all this down has really cheered me up and made me see how absurd it looks. Definitely can't phone him while I feel so agitated tho', need to have a calm frame of mind to deal with it.