DSs, 16 and 14, driving me mad!

[WhitePhantom]

I'm really pissed off here. DS1 (16) and DS2(14) are on summer hols here (we're in Ireland - hols far too long imo!!) and they're so bloody lazy and uncooperative.

They stay in bed as long as they possibly can - we have to tell them repeatedly to get up - then they whinge and moan every time they're asked to do anything. And they're not asked to do much (probably far too little, really!)

Everything has to be spelled out and micro-managed - pick up, clean up after yourself, put away the milk, pick up your shorts off the floor, on and on it goes. Every bloody day, over and over. Jesus I'm at the end of my tether. I've a splitting headache having just had an almighty row with them. They can't see any problem with their carry-on, just think I'm nagging and over-reacting.

I'm going to disable their wifi (we all have separate logins) and put away their devices. But I'm fucking sick of it, the fact that I have to do stuff like that. Is it so unreasonable to expect teenagers to show even the smallest amount of initiative and cooperation???

Anyone have any better suggestions?

Rant over. Thanks for listening.

[Aquamarine1029]

Teenagers can really be shit. I'm sorry you're so upset. I have an 18 and 20 year old, and while I didn't have such a hard time like you are, it could be a challenge.

My advice is to pay down the law and do not bend on the consequences of they don't live up to their responsibilities. I would sit them both down and tell them exactly how you're feeling and how things are going to change. Then dole out all of the chores they are now responsible for and the punishments they can expect if they screw around. It's time to get tough, and that does not mean you're being a bully. You're the parent and kids NEED discipline. This is the real world, not the mom-funded fantasy camp they think they're living in. They are not little children anymore. They need a huge wake up call.

[twinjocks]

Ha, I feel your pain - DS15 finished his Junior Cert on Monday and was aghast today when I asked him to do the dishwasher/dishes/clean the kitchen. Much harder when you're fighting against two of them, though.

I think the only way forward is what you're doing - disable the wifi. Also start either chucking out all the stuff they leave lying around - or fling it into their rooms and close the door!

[Aquamarine1029]

Sorry for the typos. Stupid phone.

[ImperialBlether]

I think you need to pick your battles.

I didn't mind mine staying in bed all morning - I found it peaceful. I did mind if they left dirty dishes in their bedrooms, because I was worried we'd get mice. I stamped on that, but ignored the former.

Can you pick out what pisses you off the most? Sometimes it's hard to justify why something's important to you.

Make sure you have some nice times, too, so that you're not just complaining about them.

[WhitePhantom]

Thanks all. I'm feeling a bit calmer now.

I tried telling them how frustrating it was (granted in a very angry shouty way) and all I got was 'No-one cares how you feel'

I don't really mind the staying in bed that much - it just pisses me off so much that no matter how much leeway they get, there's nothing in return - no sense of cooperation or teamwork at all. It's up to to me and DH to drag them along every step of the way and they seem to think that's just fine; exactly how it should be.

We do have fun too. Just today it's really getting to me, the bloody repetitiveness of it all, day after day, over and over. My head is pounding.

[ViveLesVacances]

No one cares how you feel???

Jesus Christ, I'm not surprised you're about to blow your stack OP. Well, it's summer hols so now a good time for them to learn how to cook, clean and do their own washing. Just make for yourself and DH, if they don't bloody appreciate you, let them sort themselves out!!

Fuming on your behalf.

[ImperialBlether]

I would be fuming at "Nobody cares how you feel," too, and would go on a strike - no cooking, no being nice to them, no clothes washed. Horrible way to talk to you.

[Nanny0gg]

Well, I don;t know about the wifi, but any taxi service would stop, the buying of any treats would stop (no chocolate, crisps, favourite drinks), only basic meals would be served (definitely not their favourites), no friends would be hosted and minimum washing - and only if the clothes were where they should be.

And your DH should be reading them the riot act.

Selfish little oiks.

[Nanny0gg]

Oh, and no cash for anything.

[BandeauSally]

Well first of all you stop doing anything for them. No meals cooked, washing done, lifts given, pocket money, wifi etc.

Secondly, if they leave the milk out then they've left it to sour, it just go in the bin and they must go to the shop and get more. There will be no milk until they do. Their shorts get left on their bedroom floor or piled on their beds. They don't get to take another dish until every dish is down from their room and either washed or put in the dishwasher.

[wizzywig]

Op this is where the often spoken mental load starts. At least they are honest enough to say 'i dont care' rather than 'oh yes ill do it in a bit'

[Graphista]

Yea I agree time to lay down law. My dd 16 gets pocket money but if she hasn't met her obligations re chores and being in before curfew and good manners it gets docked for each infringement.

She has till midday Saturday's to do as expected, if it's not done it can result in no pocket money at all.

As for speaking to you like that, for starters she'd be grounded (means no going out socially, no phone) for at least 2 days.

And defo for that attitude a bollocking from mum and dad and strike on doing what they benefit from, they want clean clothes they better wash them, they want a meal they better cook it. They are MORE than old enough to do:

Keep their rooms clean and tidy including Hoover and dust and minor repairs.

Own laundry

Dishes between them each night (cook never washes up here)

Cook at least one meal a week each.

At least one chore that benefits the whole house each, one could be in charge of putting bins out on bin night and when interior bins are full, one could be responsible for cleaning bathroom or hoovering and mopping floors throughout.

Time they learned what's involved in running a home.

[junebirthdaygirl]

Sometimes l found texting them to do stuff or leaving notes when you go out works better. They switch off from your voice. I also ignored the staying in bed..although with heat l dont know how they do it.
Try to start each day fresh. And remember you are not alone as there are a lot of frustrated dms at the moment with those holidays. Mine older now in college and it gets better..l promise.

[MissionItsPossible]

There will be no milk until they do. Their shorts get left on their bedroom floor or piled on their beds. They don't get to take another dish until every dish is down from their room and either washed or put in the dishwasher.

Although this is practical I feel it may not work with teenagers. No milk? So they just won't drink any tea or have anything that needs milk and then the OP is suffering. Clothes piled on the floor? They won't care. Clothes piled on the bed? They'll shove them on the floor. Don't get to take another dish? They'll use alternatives or just eat food that doesn't require a dish. I believe a teenagers resolve laziness will easily trump a parents patience before they give up and wash everything themselves.

I think if they depend on wifi, that's the best course of action to take. Withhold access until they do their chores.

[Angelicinnocent]

Mine get (oldest DC now working so doesn't) a written list of jobs at the start of the week which says what must be done each day or no pocket money, lifts etc. During term time it is basically dishwasher emptied, dirty washing in basket, no dirty cups left lying around etc with a bedroom clean on a weekend. Holidays they get other jobs added but can choose when they do them over the week.

[BandeauSally]

I'm very stubborn so I would be buying my own small carton of milk and hiding it.

Clothes piled on the floor? They won't care. Clothes piled on the bed? They'll shove them on the floor.

Yes but it won't be affecting OP and they'll eventually run out of clothes.

Don't get to take another dish? They'll use alternatives or just eat food that doesn't require a dish.

That's their choice. Again, it won't be affecting OP as long as they aren't getting any dishes from the cupboard.

The food would quickly run out too unless they decided they wanted to shape up and play ball.

[Nanny0gg]

Do they have phones? Who pays the contract?

[butterfly990]

[pilates]

Can the oldest one get a part time job?

[Leeds2]

Good on you for disabling the wi fi!

I would also stop paying for their phones, and giving them lifts (if you do).

Don't wash any clothes that aren't in the designated place. If they drop them elsewhere in the house, put them back in their bedroom.

Agree with stop buying treat food.

And enjoy your mornings whilst they are in bed!

[bootygirl]

I agree summer hols too long here. DS 16 just finished junior cert & ds14. Are similar.
I would send them reminder texts & if things not done ground them.

I try to pick my battles TBH you ll drive yourself mad other wise. I plan on getting them to learn to wash clothes & cook a couple of recipes over the summer.

[Rumtopf]

No-one cares??!! Ungrateful little sods.

Disable their wifi, cancel any tv channels that they alone watch, remove games consoles, remove phones and any tech, stop giving them lifts, don't give them any money and in short stop doing anything for them such as washing, cooking, clearing up. Go on strike.

I would be incandescent. OP, you are not a slave and you do not have to pander to this bullshit from them!

[mikeyssister]

Clear list of what's to be done
Clear list of consequences

And pray a lot between now and end of August😖😖

[WhitePhantom]

Thanks all, much appreciated.

They don't go anywhere, so no lifts needed; DS1 never uses his phone, and DS2 only uses it on wifi to chat to friends. They don't subscribe to any TV channels, etc. I wish they did more - they don't set foot outside the house unless they have to!

Mission summed it up perfectly: Although this is practical I feel it may not work with teenagers. No milk? So they just won't drink any tea or have anything that needs milk and then the OP is suffering. Clothes piled on the floor? They won't care. Clothes piled on the bed? They'll shove them on the floor. Don't get to take another dish? They'll use alternatives or just eat food that doesn't require a dish. I believe a teenagers laziness will easily trump a parents patience before they give up and wash everything themselves.

I feel like with-holding wifi is about the only thing I can do that will actually have a negative impact on them! If I go on strike re. cooking / washing, they'll happily live on cereal and wear sweaty clothes. And most of the time there isn't a big bust-up - just a build-up of lots and lots of stupid, repetitive little things.

Now having said all that, they're not all bad... they have their list of household chores, and they do them (when prompted). They don't get pocket-money because they have their own bit of money - we have hens and they do everything in relation to looking after them, and sell the eggs to lots of neighbours.

I was having a shit day yesterday, neck-strain & headache, and I probably lost the plot a bit. We had a long talk about it last night - I still don't think they really 'get' it, but hopefully things will improve.

[LaurieFairyCake]

It's easier if you don't talk to them at all unless you have something positive and heart warming to say.

Some days no words will pass your lips

I put a list of that days chores on the fridge and only turned the wifi on when it was done. I also added the rule that these chores had to be completed before 5pm (to stop the fuckers making a point by hoovering in the night).

I would leave the room - actually I went out (spent a good few lovely mornings eating breakfast in a local cafe) if they tried to start an argument.

A lot of the time the list was very short. Sometimes nothing on it but 'have a lovely day, here's a tenner).

This only lasted a few weeks until they saw I would never bend on it.