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AIBU?

How do some people end up so alone?

15 replies

Givemeallthechocolate · 29/05/2017 23:01

I don't really get how people end up as alone as I am. Surely it's quite rare for someone to be my age, and completely without friends and family.

I am 26 years of age, and I removed myself from my mum some years ago, I've had a relationship with my dad who has been vehemently nasty to me at times. I told him how I felt the other day, he sent a message back, I've given it a few days to calm down before replying, and he's blocked me on whatsapp.

I also have no friends. People who see me seem to think I am ok to talk to, but no friends.

I feel like I'm making my daughter create bonds with people (my family members) who aren't around for long.

It must be strange, how do I stop this?
I've been really really hurt in life, and I'm no longer willing to put up with it, but it just makes me feel like shit that people would prefer to lose me than be nice.

I don't know what I'm babbling on about but I feel beside myself.

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helpimitchy · 29/05/2017 23:31

It's not you it's them who have the problem so you mustn't blame yourself. Some people are shits and really aren't worth bothering with.

I have a very similar pattern running through my life and I know how hard it is, but you're still young and have time to form more positive relationships as you go through your life.

You're right to dump the nasties though. They drag you down and you're worth more than that.

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Givemeallthechocolate · 29/05/2017 23:36

Help I'm itchy, does it ever get any better?
I just worry that if everyone who has been in my life is nasty,?when do we get to a point where we realise I'm the problem?

It's just so hard, I go through life trying to make people like me, feeling like having a relationship with someone because it means my daughter will grow up with more of an idea who her family is,but then they're gone because I don't want to be treated like rubbish.
I feel like a failure. It's not just me who suffers. My daughter has no family either because of this.

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RickOShay · 29/05/2017 23:41

You are not a failure. You are strong. You have done the right thing for you and your daughter. Feel proud of yourself, try and start trusting yourself, looking after yourself, thinking about what you enjoy doing, your values, what is important to you, the more you do this, the more confident you are, the more other people will be attracted to you.

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helpimitchy · 29/05/2017 23:42

I know, I had to cut ties with my brother and his wife due to their nasty behaviour. My dcs are missing out on two cousins as well as their uncle and I have no other birth family. I used to worry about it, but all you can do is look outward and encourage them to make good friendship and relationship choices themselves. Your dd will understand when you explain things.

It's hard, but you get used to it and it becomes easier over time.

Can you get out and about to try and make friends?

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helpimitchy · 29/05/2017 23:45

Hey, try to view it as being free. Just think of all the people who lack the courage to dump the nasty fuckwits in their life and end up tied to them for years.

You've chosen freedom which is the most valuable thing there is.

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Ibelieveinme · 29/05/2017 23:47

I think you have to have a real look as to why these people are no longer in your life. If they are abusive then yes of course you're so much better off.

I'm very sensitive and have cut people out of my life for things they don't even know they've done. So I realised sometimes it's just easier to let things go.

You have a daughter, do you have a partner? Did she have family on his side?

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Boulshired · 29/05/2017 23:47

Your daughter has you. Making friends is difficult as in someways it is a skill that you acquire and if you don't it's difficult to know what to do. If you have low self esteem it is a barrier that others can sense. It will get better.

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wheresthel1ght · 29/05/2017 23:49

Better to have no one than to be surrounded by toxic people in my experience!

Have you ever had friends or is it a new thing? Can you join some groups that will help you make new friends?

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BackforGood · 29/05/2017 23:57

Ok, so, sadly you don't have relationships with your parents, but what about everyone else?

Friends from school? College?
Colleagues?
Neighbours?
Other Mums you met at Stay and Play groups or Playgroup or in the school playground?
How do you spend your time ?
What are your interests?

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EmNetta · 30/05/2017 00:13

Most of my friends have moved on, one way or another, and I remember it could sometimes take a long time to realise that I'd made a new friend.
I'm sure you'll find you are making friends, particularly now you've decided to ditch the negative people in your life, and meanwhile, you can enjoy being with your daughter and improving life for yourself.

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Givemeallthechocolate · 30/05/2017 08:29

Thanks for the replies I will try to answer everyone questions, I've been pretty much alone since I was 16.
When we were kids we moved every two years, so I never had any stable friendships. We moved when I was 16 and pregnant. DDs father was as fucked up as I was. As I tried to grow into a better, more stable person I became disliked by my family and I got fed up of being called stuck up and ostracised by them. It was really odd. I've taken years to recover from it, I've tried to have a relationship with my dad who's quite venomous and really quite selfish. He's really nasty when he wants to be and telling him that he makes me feel like shit resulted in him telling me it was all because I was unhappy with my work situation but won't change it. For reference purposes I have severe anxiety which means that in times of real struggle I suffer so badly I don't leave the house. It's really quite extreme, I also have depression and a personality disorder. All of these issues mean that I'm hemmed in by what I can do really. The job I do is atleast stable, its not the job per se, it's a very small part of it.

I haven't really had friends since I was 16. I tried being a Jehovah's Witness, let's just say that they aren't my tribe. I didn't gel with the mums in my daughters old school, we've moved and I've joined the PTA still not really fitting in.

I don't get why it's so hard! I just feel like the more effort I make the less people like me.

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Peanutbuttercheese · 30/05/2017 09:05

I think you need to stay away from your Father totally, he isn't good for you at all.

I find people are attracted to positive people, sad but true so this may be a case of fake it till you make it.

Have you had any counselling or treatment for your MH issues because I think you need support for sure. I would work on yourself before pursuing friendships because you strike me as very vulnerable and due to your history could fall in to destructive friendships. What do you know about your conditions? Have you read up on them?

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Givemeallthechocolate · 30/05/2017 12:21

Peanut butter- I think you've hit the nail on the head. I am quite vulnerable, which kind of sets alarm bells off in my mind whenever I start to make friends, because invariably I figure out people want something from me. In our old area the people who I started to get friendly with from the very start wanted me to take care of their kids and such. It does seem that I've attracted users. God. I am vulnerable. It's hard, I want friendships but i tend to only attract those who want, lifts, childcare,money or some other kind of help all the time.

I have read up on my illnesses, I haven't had as much support as I need really. The state of the NHS at the moment, it seems mental health isn't a priority until you are in a really sorry state.

You have definitely hit the nail on the head though, and maybe friendships need to be on the back burner until I'm a bit better. But I'm the most well I've been in years

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peachgreen · 30/05/2017 12:57

Hmm, I think you need to be careful you're not confusing the give and take of friendship with people being users. I think it's quite normal for mums with young kids to rely on each other for childcare occasionally... could you maybe have bolted from some of these friendships a bit too soon? If you've had troubles in your familial relationships it must be really hard to recognise a healthy relationship and perhaps you're being a bit TOO careful?

Joining the PTA is a good move - keep plugging away, sometimes it just takes people longer than others to make friends.

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Givemeallthechocolate · 30/05/2017 13:09

Peach green- ah I should have explained better, but no, these are people who relied on me wayyy too soon. As in spoken to me 2-3 times before they wanted me to go and babysit their kids, or take them to school. Unless maybe, that is normal?
I'd help anyone but the give/take shouldn't be the whole thing that soon from what I think anyway?