She consistently uses the "I am your mother!" argument in order to control my actions – it doesn't work but she tries.
My son passed away (sids) in April last year, naturally this is something I am still dealing with. She and my father both claim they don't know what to do or say to me because they don't know how I'll react – this is after months of my father saying (in the immediate aftermath) "I can't believe it's been a week/a month/two months" etc. I asked her (to make her feel more involved) to collect the death certificates for me, which she did (after a lot of complaining and "I'll do it on monday!!!") but she didn't bother to post them to me for days, despite having to go past a post office on her way back from the coroners. She called me "dramatic" and "bitchy" for having wanted them.
When his birthday rolled around in February this year they didn't send any birthday cards for him, but my friends did (without my asking). When I brought it up for the next year, saying that this was something they could do that I wouldn't react badly to, my father called me stupid and mother refused to on the grounds that it was "unhealthy" to ask and that I needed "professional help".
She wasn't there during labour last time, I had a doula and the midwives and that was it. She arrived shortly after delivery and did not stop talking despite how many times I asked and how tired I was – it was a short(ish) labour but it was unmedicated and in my back, so I was in a lot of pain and exhausted. I don't want her there this time either, she argued with me saying that I'm "cutting her out", when I've explained to her that the birth of my daughter after the loss of my son (and a miscarriage) is going to be a time of real emotion and I'm not sure how I'll deal with it so I'd rather not the extra stress of "hosting" just because she wants the "first photos". I said she can visit when we're home which 99% sure wouldn't be any later than the next day.
She said to me: "I dont care how much you try to refuse. Dont you argue.I am your mother. Remember that."
Then when I reiterated she threatened me with disowning me (not the first time) and started saying how my "friends wouldn't treat their parents that way", and started talking about money. I don't live with her, and I haven't lived with her for three years, but I've been moving in and out since I was 18 because my parents and I just don't click in close quarters.
I feel like she doesn't care about how I feel at all. His death has changed me, and changed literally everything and she doesn't understand that whatsoever. She tried to tell me that she did understand, but she wouldn't specify – I have lost my son, and had a missed miscarriage (surgery under GA), she has never lost a child or a pregnancy, though tried to imply and lie that she had by saying "you don't know my life".
She seems to think that I'm using his death for sympathy because I bring it up whenever she's saying horrible things (as I said, now post-birth is going to be an uncertain time for me at a much much higher risk of pnd), but I feel like it's relevant!
Am I being unreasonable in being angry with her? Am I being unreasonable in his death affecting every part of my life so much?
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24 replies
somethingrosier · 24/05/2017 10:52
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