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to be angry with mother?

(25 Posts)
somethingrosier Wed 24-May-17 10:52:58

She consistently uses the "I am your mother!" argument in order to control my actions – it doesn't work but she tries.

My son passed away (sids) in April last year, naturally this is something I am still dealing with. She and my father both claim they don't know what to do or say to me because they don't know how I'll react – this is after months of my father saying (in the immediate aftermath) "I can't believe it's been a week/a month/two months" etc. I asked her (to make her feel more involved) to collect the death certificates for me, which she did (after a lot of complaining and "I'll do it on monday!!!") but she didn't bother to post them to me for days, despite having to go past a post office on her way back from the coroners. She called me "dramatic" and "bitchy" for having wanted them.

When his birthday rolled around in February this year they didn't send any birthday cards for him, but my friends did (without my asking). When I brought it up for the next year, saying that this was something they could do that I wouldn't react badly to, my father called me stupid and mother refused to on the grounds that it was "unhealthy" to ask and that I needed "professional help".

She wasn't there during labour last time, I had a doula and the midwives and that was it. She arrived shortly after delivery and did not stop talking despite how many times I asked and how tired I was – it was a short(ish) labour but it was unmedicated and in my back, so I was in a lot of pain and exhausted. I don't want her there this time either, she argued with me saying that I'm "cutting her out", when I've explained to her that the birth of my daughter after the loss of my son (and a miscarriage) is going to be a time of real emotion and I'm not sure how I'll deal with it so I'd rather not the extra stress of "hosting" just because she wants the "first photos". I said she can visit when we're home which 99% sure wouldn't be any later than the next day.

She said to me: "I dont care how much you try to refuse. Dont you argue.I am your mother. Remember that."

Then when I reiterated she threatened me with disowning me (not the first time) and started saying how my "friends wouldn't treat their parents that way", and started talking about money. I don't live with her, and I haven't lived with her for three years, but I've been moving in and out since I was 18 because my parents and I just don't click in close quarters.

I feel like she doesn't care about how I feel at all. His death has changed me, and changed literally everything and she doesn't understand that whatsoever. She tried to tell me that she did understand, but she wouldn't specify – I have lost my son, and had a missed miscarriage (surgery under GA), she has never lost a child or a pregnancy, though tried to imply and lie that she had by saying "you don't know my life".

She seems to think that I'm using his death for sympathy because I bring it up whenever she's saying horrible things (as I said, now post-birth is going to be an uncertain time for me at a much much higher risk of pnd), but I feel like it's relevant!

Am I being unreasonable in being angry with her? Am I being unreasonable in his death affecting every part of my life so much?

BastardBloodAndSand Wed 24-May-17 10:55:38

You don't need this woman in your life, you don't owe her anything and you don't gain anything other than hurt from being in contact with her.

Easier said than done I know but if you can phase her out entirely then do.it.

CandleLit Wed 24-May-17 11:05:27

You are not being unreasonable at all. Anger can be a healthy and reasonable response sometimes.

You can't do anything to change her, so don't waste your energy there. You can change what behaviour you will accept from her and how you react to her behaviour.

Perhaps start putting a lot of space between you and your mum.

I am so sorry for the loss of your son.

Reow Wed 24-May-17 11:18:45

You can tell the hospital to refuse entry to her. Tell her that this is what you will be doing, and if she attempts to enter your room she will be turned away.

LizzieMacQueen Wed 24-May-17 11:22:19

Sorry to hear she is not supportive - do you have a partner that can be the buffer between you two?

Allthebestnamesareused Wed 24-May-17 11:58:56

I agree with you on everything except that you would expect people to send a birthday card for a deceased child. Maybe a little note saying I am thinking of you at this difficult time or some flowers but not an actual birthday card.

Also it is not usual for a parent to attend a birth just a partner so why does she feel it is her right to be there?

I hope your partner is able to love, support and protect you from her madness!

somethingrosier Wed 24-May-17 12:44:59

BastardBloodAndSand I've been trying to for years! If I block her on facebook she floods my phone with messages (the last time ended in her calling me a nazi and so on). If I block her messages she'll call. If I block her calls she'd get someone else to call me. The last time she had her parents badger me daily because I was with them in Brazil. I'm just not sure what to do now.

CandleLit I've put thousands of miles before and it didn't stop her. ugh.

Reow That's exactly what I told her I was going to do, and what I am going to do. I'm not going to tell her when the time comes either so there will be no chance of her finding her way to the hospital!

LizzieMacQueen no partner! Just me on me lonesome.

Allthebestnamesareused It's not that I EXPECTED them to send cards, I mentioned that they could for the next birthday. Neither of them are really able to do the "I'm thinking of you" without "wanna meet up and do something?" and getting annoyed if I say no, and flowers would be a miracle! I thought that cards would just be the easiest thing to do to show that they were thinking of me, and of him. Was that unreasonable?
I have no partner, so that's not happening haha. She claims (and I quote) "Just imagine me telling my own mother I did not want her at my bedside while giving birth. Maybe this is nothing for you. But I am conservative like my mother was and to me this is hurtful. And I doubt any of your friends would say this to their own mothers. They may "tell" you they would, but they would not dare." Her own mother was nearly 5,000 miles away when I was born. So. I suppose she thinks she's the next natural choice because I have no partner. I just don't understand why it's such a hurtful big deal this time when last time she said literally nothing about it.

WrittenandGrown Wed 24-May-17 13:53:56

Sorry for your loss.

LauraMoon Wed 24-May-17 14:01:41

Sorry for your losses. I can't imagine the mixed emotions you must be feeling about this baby.

She needs to back the fuck up but I expect she won't.

I would go down the blocking route. Block FB, phone etc. If someone else calls on her behalf be polite but firm.

Also (and this is sheer nosiness but it's the internet so whatever), how are you getting pregnant with no partner? Is it a sperm donation or a friend? Just thinking if it's a friend he might be able to support you. Apologies if this is way off.

TheGoodWife16 Wed 24-May-17 14:07:24

I endured 37 years of similar narcissistic behaviour from my mother before my health deteriorated so dramatically that I simply couldn't cope with her in my life. I asked for some space and time, but she decided to pursue a path of anger and lies, causing family and friends to disown me. This lead to the point of no return.

We sold up and moved house (not easily done as we lived along the same road) and I have honestly never felt more free. She tried to guilt trip me last year after an incident involving police by asking them to ring my DH (who's a PC) - she has no way of contacting us herself. I ignored the messages, had a minor emotional blip, but picked myself up when I remembered how close she came to destroying me.

You absolutely must put yourself and your immediate family first. She is a toxic drain on your wellbeing.

I wish you luck.

TheGoodWife16 Wed 24-May-17 14:10:20

And the words 'I am your mother' will haunt me forever.

I never have and never will use them with my fabulous daughter. They smack of a feeling of entitlement, ownership and some kind of debt owed for being a life giver.

aaaaargghhhhelpme Wed 24-May-17 14:14:23

So sorry for your losses flowers

It's not at all the same but I found giving birth after missed miscarriage very emotional. You need to be focused on that - not dealing with an emotionally draining family.

I'm so sorry they can't bloody support you. Do you have much support in rl (obviously we're always here for support!)

I would quietly try and slip into nc. Don't block (she will see and rage) but ignore and unfollow. So you don't see her posts. And she's not updated with yours. Don't reply to any messages that are vindictive or trying to get a rise. Just ignore and slowly back out.

I can't offer much help I'm afraid. But there are lots of people here with loads more experience. Hope they can help more.

Take care of yourself flowers

somethingrosier Wed 24-May-17 14:16:25

Thank you, WrittenandGrown.

LauraMoon It's okay haha, it was sperm donation, so there's no support in terms of babydaddy, but that's fine by me. I do have support in friends and such, but it's just getting to me now, I keep thinking like how can she justify this with herself? I could never imagine saying these kind of things to my own child. The one person who is supposed to be on my side is just always against me.

TheGoodWife16 I suppose you're right. She goes through these times of being perfectly normal, but at some things just seems to switch and go on the attack. After this "I want to be at the birth" incident, she sent me a chirpy little message about some great jeggings on amazon, and I just can't deal with the rollercoaster. I think what's worse is that she doesn't think she's doing anything wrong so I can't even reason with her. I try to explain that she doesn't get to decide when I'm upset but it falls on deaf ears.

somethingrosier Wed 24-May-17 14:21:28

aaaaargghhhhelpme I have done that on facebook – she's very much in the list of people that my posts don't get shown to, and sadly that now includes every other family member just in case they mention something. Every now and then I'll let something through – I posted about the miscarriage on Mother's Day, to remind others that there are many mothers without living children, and she took it as an opportunity to tell me that some things are best kept to oneself. I, and everybody else that saw her responses, were just speechless. She'd missed the point of the post entirely. Being in the "loss" community has really opened my eyes to the ways that things could go wrong and I just don't want anyone there. I wasn't given the privacy to grieve at the hospital alone with my boy and I can't have that again should anything go wrong.

TheGoodWife16 THAT'S EXACTLY IT!! She feels like she's entitled to something because she is the "lifegiver" and it's like ??? no?? you have to EARN that kind of respect. She acts as if I'm still a child and she's absolutely right to decide what I do.

There are a number of threads on here from people with toxic parents - The 'But we tookmyou to Stately Homes' threads. I haven't suffered from this myself, but from what I have seen on here, these threads provide a huge amount of support for people who are dealing with toxic parents.

My heart goes out to you - I just wish I could give you a huge hug.

I think you have every right to have the birth the way you want it, and any half-way decent mother would understand that what you need really is the most important thing.

Hissy Wed 24-May-17 14:41:33

Good grief, how much do you have to suffer having this dreadful creature in your life?

I am so sorry you have lost your DS, i can't imagine how awful that has been for you. I have had a fair few MMC, and they are awful. I'm so sorry.

When it comes to hospital appointments/births etc, you don't have to tell her. If she turns up, hospital staff will turn her away if you ask them to. No Visitors, No exceptions.

I had my DM and her VileH try to tell me (aged 45) to 'Do what I was told'

I quickly saw that off and told them not to be so ridiculous.

You need to get a new mobile number

YetAnotherSpartacus Wed 24-May-17 14:45:56

And the words 'I am your mother' will haunt me forever. I never have and never will use them with my fabulous daughter. They smack of a feeling of entitlement, ownership and some kind of debt owed for being a life giver

Yes. I can relate to this.

I am so sorry for your losses OP flowers.

I wonder, though, if seeking counselling and extra support services will assist you in what could be a difficult time?

diddl Wed 24-May-17 14:46:28

Some women want their mums there, some don'tthere's no rule!

How would she even know that you're in labour?

FizzyGreenWater Wed 24-May-17 14:47:31

You poor thing.

I am so sorry for the loss of your son flowers

Just to add my voice to those saying - she sounds like the worst kind of bloodsucking, dictatorial, self-centred, nasty abuisive arsehole. You are not being unreasonable, on the contrary, you have been far more reasonable than I would have been. I'd have started reporting her to the police for half the harassment she's caused you.

She has no rights, she has no entitlement to be in your life. I would agree that it is far better for you and for your new baby if she is not.

Make sure she does not know when you go into labour. Make sure she doesn't know the hospital. Make sure midwives are primed to keep her out post-birth. No, I wouldn't have her visit at home either, because I would try and cut her out now, but appreciate that you might not feel that's the way to go.

But - once you are back on your feet, I would look at doing that. If you are near, move. Cut her off social media, block her. And when she starts to harass you, go to the police.

She will continue to be like this and continue to bleed you dry and bring you down. You can achieve what you've tried to before - don't be afraid to, you're in the right. Don't listen to a word she says. If she'd tried half the shit she has with you with many of the posters on here, she'd have woken up to a restraining order!

TheGoodWife16 Wed 24-May-17 15:49:55

That ability she has to conveniently forget why you're mad at her, why you're withdrawing from her emotionally and turning it around so that you're in the wrong is incredibly damaging psychologically.

I'd question my sanity at times and, if I hadn't had a DH who witnessed it all first hand and reassured me that I wasn't at fault, I'm not sure what state I'd be in now.

I got a new mobile number, changed where and when I shopped, left the house and I changed the door locks so she couldn't saunter in whenever she chose to.

She told anyone who'd listen (including my MIL - she went straight to her, uninvited - they hate each other) how I'd abandoned her, how she'd done everything for me, how ungrateful I was and how used she felt. It was all a lie, but people believed her and took her side. The casualties of friends and family were a shock at first, but I soon realised how much better off I was without them (they were the type to ring or write offering their opinion on how awful I was as a daughter, how much she needed me, etc).

I will add that she has three other adult children, all older than me and from a previous marriage and only one of them (the son) is in contact with her. The other two, both female, have kept their distance for years.

Retreat, warn the hospital that she is not welcome, under any circumstances, and become elusive. Do not share information or give any clue about your life.

And definitely seek support and counselling. Don't underestimate how much damage she'll have done to you over the years.

Take care x

gandalfspants Wed 24-May-17 16:02:26

Sorry for your loss OP, and sorry your mother is so awful.

Let her disown you. Block her on social media, block her messages, block her calls, if other people call you on her behalf block their calls too. Tell people that the consequence of speaking to you about her is that you'll cut them out too.

You do not need this toxic influence in your life. Consider counselling too.

I didn't have to go quite this far with mine, withdrawing from bad behaviour seems to work after one six month stint of NC.

Oh, and my DH and MIL were at the birth of my DC, didn't tell 'D'M it was happening until it was over.

AppleOfMyEye10 Wed 24-May-17 16:35:35

I'm so sorry for your loss opflowers she certainly sounds unmotherly and actually nasty.
She's holding the 'I'm your mother' over you. Does that give her the right to treat you this way. And yes you should expect some sort of remembrance, love, compassion and understanding for what you Went through and on the yearly special moments.
A good mother does not behave this way.

It's probably harder to break away, as you don't feel you have other support in your life. But you need to find a way of keeping your distance and reducing contact. She's just going to eat away at you for the rest of your life.

MissCookiee Wed 24-May-17 17:02:19

I'm sorry for your loss and no I don't think you're acting wrong in any way shape or form. You're a grieving mother which is something that your own mother doesn't understand. I think your mother needs to respect your wishes and be a bit more sensitive towards you as you need support more than anything. Are you able to sit down and calmly talk to her and get all your feelings out in the open? She can't force herself at the birth of your child either. She needs to respect your wishes like I said.

somethingrosier Wed 24-May-17 17:21:27

Thanks everyone! It's just a really difficult situation as she's got so much into my head I can't tell if when I ask these things of people I'm being unfair to her and purposely portraying her in a bad light, but I honestly can't think of anything I would have done to elicit such a reaction. I am short with her but with (what I think is) good reason.

If I cut her out, I need to cut my dad out, because despite having been separated and on bad terms they still talk. And I can't cut him out as I live with his brother.

I think I'll go with the advise though, I'll do it gradually and just ghost her for as long as I can. Become elusive as you said TheGoodWife16 I'll definitely warn the midwives that I don't want any parents around at all should they somehow find out the day I'm in the hospital. I won't tell them, though. I'll have to take it slowly in cutting them out completely as as it stands I'm not working, and with no partner I am lacking in funds and am forced to turn to her for help sometimes because right now I'm not eligible for any government help.

But you're all right. I can't keep letting her dig the knife in and then just pretend it never happened.

Givemeabreak01 Wed 24-May-17 19:59:51

I am so so sorry for your loss....

I have to say your mother is a fucking cretin.... do not waste one more moment on her get a restraining order if you have to but don't let her invade your life anymore! X

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