Background - he's had low level lifelong depression and anxiety, though wrote it off as 'just getting a bit low' or whatever. Since our children were born it's got increasingly worse, episodes of self-harm and suicidal thoughts. He's sought counselling, is trying some different meds, we're hopeful things will improve, but it's like, after over a decade of endless patience with his 'moods' I've all of a sudden run out.
If he has even a little off moment the last couple of weeks I am hard put to stay calm and I certainly don't feel able to talk him down the way I always have before. I have felt deeply lonely and helpless of late, as well as very hurt and rejected because he pulls into himself and doesn't offer even casual affection (a stroke on the arm as he walks past) never mind the kisses, cuddles or sex I need to feel connected and loved.
He struggles with the children. They wind him up and aggravate his anxiety, then he gets down on himself. His behaviour has also been detrimental to theirs, especially our eldest DC. Mostly because he withdraws from them so they act up to get any kind of attention. I haven't been able to leave them with him unsupervised for months now. The times we've tried it he's ended up calling me back in hysterical tears and one or both of the children is sometimes upset too. I'm lucky that I have family nearby who have stepped in to help, but that's usually in crisis situations and I haven't been able to, for example, have a regular night out to do an exercise class or anything just for me.
I was self-employed but haven't really been able to work due to the all-consuming demands of solo parenting, supporting a severely depressed partner and doing nearly all the housework. I've had to give up the volunteer work I did because I just didn;t have it in me to support strangers when I was doing that 24/7 at home.
I love my DH very much. I desperately want him to be well again. I miss him dearly. I am so so so angry at him for something that he cannot help, so I feel intense shame for being angry at him. AIBU to feel angry at him? I feel like I am but I am so tired. I'm in constant hyper-vigilance for any sign he might be 'slipping' again.
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AIBU?
to be angry with DH?
13 replies
1MillionSelfiesTakenByMyKids · 23/05/2017 19:42
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