AIBU to expect more financially?

[ceceliajames]

I'm just wondering how most families split their finances either with children or without?

I have a DD and run a little online business. It's never earned much but it's enough to pay my rent bills and some of my other expenses. My partner works full time and takes home just over 15k a year whereas I take home about 7. So we're not big earners but it's enough for us to manage.

I look after DD five days a week (she's in nursery the other 2) and obviously work those days and work after she's gone to bed (she's 16 months). Other than that I do the majority of the cleaning, housework, food shopping etc. We have no joint bank accounts, our money goes into our own accounts, we pay 50/50 on rent and bills and thats that. Whereas my partner doesn't have to worry about money or if he needs something for himself, he can get it. If I didn't have a supportive Mum I'd never be able to afford anything more than rent, food and bills.

Whenever I bring up money and how I think it's quite unfairly split I just get brushed off, told I need to "understand the value of money" and working hard for it. I've said I think he needs to understand the value of childcare. Ideally for me we'd have a joint account which we'd both pay into and take out of for bills food anything DD needs. What do you think?

[HebeJeeby]

Think you are spot on, Your DP can only work and keep all HIS cash because you provide child care. Why should you take the financial hit when caring for his child as well. Easy to say but you need to keep on raising the issue and not let him shut you down. Him saying you don't understand the value of money if just soooo patronising, I'd want to kick him in the shins if he said this to me.

Tell him he can either share finances or you'll take your cut via CMS! Seriously this is not on and he's being selfish and just plain nasty. I hope you can raise this again with him withou him manipulating the situation - good luck

[PatriciaHolm]

So when your DD needs clothes, shoes, etc, are you paying for all of that?

Assuming your DD is his, he's a knob.

[ceceliajames]

I'm usually the one who buys DD clothes etc. I'll ask for half back and I probably get it about 50% of the time.

And oh yes, she's his! I just see it like I have DD so he can work to earn that money. He comes home and moans about work and I tell him at least he gets paid for it, so it's probably a bit passive aggressive but sometimes I'm sick of hearing him complain when at least it's putting money in his bank.

[Chloe84]

You are spot on, OP.

He needs to understand the value of what you bring to the family.

He sounds financially abusive

[SquinkiesRule]

It should be split proportionally. If he earned twice what you earn, he should put in double what you put in if you insist on keeping money separate.
However in our house we earn family money. All goes in one pot, and all bills expenses come out of that including savings. We get spending money each from that too. One doesn't get to spend loads when the other is scrimping, it's supposed to be a partnership.

[StewieGMum]

This type of financially controlling behaviour is bordering on abusive. Leaving you dependent on extra support from your mother is unfair to you. Leaving you responsible for all the wifework (cleaning, organising, caring) is grossly unfair.

Financially, you'd be better off with tax credits and housing benefit. In terms of emotional labour, you are better off without him. Men this selfish don't change. They don't suddenly become more understanding or start doing laundry. You can't change him. You can change your life, and that of your DD, by ending this relationship and being single. Or finding a better man.

[DarkFloodRises]

OP, this is completely unfair. It's nothing to do with you "not understanding the value of money"! He is effectively saying that your time spent caring for DD has no value.

[hellsbellsmelons]

I need to "understand the value of money" and working hard for it
WOW - what a dickhead!
Sorry OP but this is not good.
I'd be telling him I'm moving out unless we start to pool our resources.
You'll then have all your own money.
Tax credits, benefits and maintenance.
You'll be much better off.
Is he controlling in other ways?

[Witchend]

Is your dd also his?
You refer to her as "I have a dd" rather than "we have a dd" which is why I ask.

[ceceliajames]

SOrry, yeah - she is his DD. Don't know why I keep referring to her as mine!

It's my house (well my family's - mine in inheritance) which I think might be a reason as to why it's so controlling with money. If I do need anything (things like not being able to afford car insurance) I can get a loan off my mum to help, otherwise I don't know if he would be a bit more sharing. But I don't want to be in my 30s and still running to my mum whenever I need anything, if we're a family in my eyes everyone's money should be equal.

He isn't controlling in other ways, except perhaps with time. If he finishes work early he'll sometimes just "nip to his dads" or go to lunch with friends leaving me at home with DD, when that could be time I could spend working if he came home and took over. And just other things like hardly ever doing things around the home and never really getting up with DD - I have to wake him up every day about an hour after we get up if I want him up helping (if he's starting work later)

I feel a.bit silly complaining because to me they seem like slightly petty things but I'm not sure if that's just because he's told me time and time again that they're tiny things.

[Spam88]

Oh my word, if my DH said we couldn't share money because I need to understand the value of it and working hard for it he'd get a slap.

Of course your money should be pooled. If he insists on keeping some money for himself, then you should both keep the same amount back, not percentage. One of you shouldn't have more money to spend on yourself than the other, that's just not how it works and it's appalling that he's leaving you to struggle when he's sitting on cash. He's a dick.

[MrsKoala]

the 'understand the value of money' thing would fuck me right off. What is he your dad? your lord and master to educate you about the ways of the world like some foolish air headed woman?

i'd be telling him things were changing or i'd be seeing what the CSA say about it all.

My sister has something similar and that is also because she has her mum to borrow from. So bil has never shared. Now its all getting ugly and could have been predicted as children cost more as they get older and Mums stop dishing out loans when they see the husband splashing cash on themselves.

[Oldraver]

I would demand that it's all family money or kick the fucker out. You would be so better off without him financially. It doesn't sound as though he pulls his weight anyway.

Just what does he bring to the table ?

[Bluntness100]

They are not tiny things. He sounds incredibly selfish. You are more than pulling your weight. He needs to understand that as a family you both contribute and child care is a key part of that.

Tell him your opening a joint account, that you will both put money in that's a percentage of your earnings, fifty percent each or seventy percent each and what's left is yours. And as it's a tiny thing clearly he won't mind.

[EssexGurl]

Need to review this. DH and I used to do 50/50 into joint account for all family stuff. Then the rest was our personal money to do as we liked with.

This was before children when we earned comparable amounts.

When I went P/T after DS, my share went down accordingly.

Now I'm SAHM DH pays for all. If I went back to work, I would expect to contribute BUT in a fair proportion to earnings v DHs

[ceceliajames]

I don't know really. I grew up without my Dad so I don't know if I'm just desperately trying to cling onto a slightly normal family set up for DD. But other than knowing I love him I can't really tell you what I get from the relationship or what he brings to the table right now.

Unfortunately I've heard from MIL that his dad was exactly the same and he is so much like his Dad in all the worst ways, I can't really see things changing. He's been out at work all day today so will probably come home grumbling about what a long day he's had (been out since 7am). However he'll have earned over £100 for that. I've had DD all day and if I want anything, I'll have to work when she's in bed.

I think he tells himself that he actually contributes a lot more than he does, but he doesnt. His money after rent and bills is more than I earn, and I've got no idea where it all goes.

[nicknameofawesome]

Read back your post OP this situation is in no way fair. This is your situation written down as best I can from the info you have given.

He earns 15k working a full time week.
You earn 7k working a part time week.

You do 90% of all household chores.
He does 10% of all household chores.

You do 90% of the childcare.
He does 10% of the childcare.

You pay 50% of household bills.
He pays 50% of household bills.

You pay 75% of costs for your DD.
He pays 25% of costs for your DD ( this is based on your saying 50:50 chance he will pay his half)

How is it fair that him doing an extra 15 or so hours at work means he doesn't have to do ANY of the hours of childcare or housework beyond a bare minimum token amount?

How is it fair that you are going without or borrowing from your mum to pay for things for your joint child because he won't?

Where is his other 7k a year going because it sure as hell isn't going towards his family. If you can pay your half of the bills and most of DDs expenses on 7k then he must have another 7-8k that he isn't using for bills. However If your 7k is added to by tax credits etc in order for you to pay bills then the difference may be less. You need to work out roughly how much extra he has after bills and how much you have and check the difference.

The bare minimum he should be doing is a decent chunk of childcare and housework. He should also be paying more into the household pot so that you both have similar amounts of cash left to spend.

[FinallyHere]

Good list above. Did i see that the house is yours, so that on top of everything else, he is not contributing to housing costs.

This is all so very, very wrong. Hope you can get it sorted, either more fairly split between the two of you or, if all else fails, kick him out.

[happypoobum]

Swap him for tax credits.

Knobber.

[ceceliajames]

Thank you everyone. I think the frustrating thing is that I would be so much better off (financially anyway) without him. Obviously if I didn't have to I'd rather not end the relationship but if I did, I'd get about his wage in support/tax credits etc! DD is getting much easier to have by myself and it's something I have thought about.

It might not be a good time tonight when he gets in from work but I'll definitely be bringing it up. I'm fed up of feeling like I'm so unappreciated and disrespected.

[Cel982]

OP, I think you've lost all perspective on how absolutely appalling this situation is.

He doesn't pay for his child, nor contribute any time to looking after her. This is so far from acceptable that the fact that you are accepting it suggests that he has you completely brainwashed. So he's both financially and emotionally abusive.

You and your daughter deserve so much better than this. Please kick him out and start claiming child maintenance, and everything else you're entitled to.

[Inertia]

Does he pay rent to you, or live elsewhere?

[ceceliajames]

Cel - I think you're right. I've been wondering about reading "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft because I wonder if I'll read it and have a lightbulb moment. I think I've just put up with so much since DD has been born that I'm used to it. Whenever I bring up the idea of financial/emotional abuse he says I'm ridiculous.

Inertia - We both pay rent to my Grandad who owns the house, but it's left to me in inheritance.

[topcat2014]

Wow - so he gets to live in your house 'rent free', and pocket all his earnings.

Another vote for chucking him out.

[cleanlaundry]

Wow I could have written this OP, my situation is similar to yours in the sense of money split but we sat down and spoke about it. Transferred all bills to his name, split rent 60/40, sometimes he shops and sometimes I shop. I pay for dc clothes if I'm out on my own and do a majority of the housework.

Sit down and have a proper convo, either he pays more for things or he does more of the housework and childcare

Failing that, start reclaiming some time for yourself for your own sanity, leave the kid with him and go somewhere you want to go. I've managed to get DP into gear by asking HIM what HE is cooking for dinner on the weekends. Essentially bringing the responsibility on to him to sort out food rather than do it for him and use that time to do something else. You sound like you have busy days, but you both work, so you both need to share the housework and childcare regardless of your incomes.