To be annoyed about this

[DumDumdum99]

For the last couple of years I have been a sahm while dp works during that time he never offered me any money to go and buy anything, it got to a point I just felt uncomfortable to ask, I'd be wearing the same pair of jeans and leggings all of the time. He'd say all his money went on bills but it never covered a few things, I've ended up in debt because I'm always having to remind him to pay, I had catalogues before I stopped working which he also ordered bits out of but I haven't been able to pay them and he never has gave me money for them!

Now I have just recently started work I can't wait to clear all the money I owe, I get my first pay Tuesday and he's talking about how he could do with a new pair of trainers? Really?

When I wasn't working a while ago I ended up buying him a £100 pair on my credit card but was never offered any money to pay it back!

[SouthWindsWesterly]

Have you kept a list of things? Has he paid anything? And will your wages be paid into your own account?

[Chloe84]

He sounds like a tight, financially abusive, grabby pick.

You should have access to all money as it is family money, not his money.

[Chloe84]

Prick

[Starlighter]

Why are you putting up with this?! A relationship is supposed to be a partnership where you share everything.

This is ignorance and selfishness at best for him, emotional abuse at worst! Please speak up and demand a fairer deal.

[MrsELM21]

That's terrible, no way does he get the trainers, sort yourself out first, how is the rest of your relationship?

[CookieLady]

Wtf? Ditch him. I can't believe you put up with this. No. Just no.

[PencilsInSpace]

What is financial abuse?

Financial abuse is a form of domestic abuse.

An abusive partner might stop you from having control over your money as a way of trying to exert power over you.

A financially-abusive partner might also be physically violent, but it’s not always the case.

Financial abuse in the home – whether or not it’s accompanied by aggression or physical violence – can leave you feeling isolated, lacking in confidence and trapped.

It can include:

Controlling your bank account;
Running up debts in your name;
Stopping you from getting (or keeping) a job;
Making you hand over your wages or benefits;
Making you ask your partner – or others – for money;
Stealing, taking or demanding money from you and/or;
Not allowing you to spend money on yourself or your children; and
Making you account for every penny you spend – for example by showing receipts

[troodiedoo]

The a word is often quickly bandied about on here but this seems a definite case of financial abuse.

Serious discussion and decision time
OP

[DumDumdum99]

After every argument he used to threaten to leave and I'd be asking him to stay, a couple of weeks ago I called his bluff and said ok and he ended up in tears saying he can't leave and hasn't said it since. He's lazy but after me mentioning it a lot he's started to do the odd bits around the house.

I always thought financial abuse meant taking the persons money off them, all bills are in my name too.

I only started working 2 weeks ago, and if I want to I can work extra hours so I was, we weren't paying for childcare as he'd be at home the hours I was working so I didn't think it would matter I just wanted to earn money for us/all the bills I owe, but I got a shitty message the other morning saying how I'm always working and don't spend time with him in the evenings.

[flumpybear]

He's being very selfish!! A lot of men are .... my husband tutted and huffed this morning as he'd been on nights and wanted to go to bed - but I'd been having d&v all night .... still looked after the kids alone, because I'd been sweating all night and I'm probablyninfectious I put the sheets in the wash .... he really had the jump he had to 'make the bed aka put the bottom sheet in as I did the rest

[troodiedoo]

It's not always clear cut. Even monsters have some good points which is why people end up staying with them, they think it makes up for the abuse. It doesn't.

Threatening to leave is not good. It's manipulative control.

[CookieLady]

Fucking hell. What a manipulative arsehole. Run. Far. Far. Away.

[fuzzywuzzy]

What's the point of him?

What positives does he bring to your life?

[Justmadeperfectflapjacks]

Please get the bills put in both names. . . Then chuck him out. .

[Bluntness100]

Op. can you contextualise this please? How much does he earn and how much are your total monthly expenses, bills, council tax, rent or mortgage, food, kid stuff, sky. Phones, transport. Insurance, tv.etc and how much disposable income did he have left after it was all paid.

Was he buying himself stuff? Thr kids stuff? Just not you? Or was he also not buying for himself as the money was going on general living expenses?

[expatinscotland]

He's financially abusive.