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A new partner aibu.

(27 Posts)
twitterandtweet Fri 12-May-17 19:26:13

Hi! Perhaps not so much of an aibu as aib a wimp?
So, I have 1dd aged 4, was with a guy for two years, not her dad but he was fond of her. He didn't treat me too well though, constantly criticising me, putting me down in public, telling me I was too fat and he didn't fancy me five minutes after sex etc... I could go on...
So we split up, about a year ago. He stays in semi regular contact and asks to see dd occasionally which I agree to for her sake as I don't want her to feel rejected.
So, he invited us to come and stay with him for the weekend (we live about 4 hours apart) to take dd to a local event. I agreed and we arrived (after a nightmare journey)
In short, when we settled in I discovered that not only did he have a new partner but she lives with him and dd and I would be introduced very shortly!!
He hadn't warned me about any of this so I was surprised to say the least.
Anyway, we stayed, I was polite, we had an ok (although slightly strained) weekend.... The four of us.
However, when I laughingly told my two closest friends about my odd weekend they were furious on my behalf, called me a wimp and said I should have walked out and refused to stay there.
Should I? Was I a drip to just sit tight and wait for the weekend to end? Or are my friends being a bit ott about this?

CatTheMouse Fri 12-May-17 19:27:36

Oh my goodness. hmm

TestingTestingWonTooFree Fri 12-May-17 19:28:17

Not sure why you're keeping in touch with an abusive man. Why don't you phase him out of your life?

StickThatInYourPipe Fri 12-May-17 19:29:31

Just no words for this really...

PeaFaceMcgee Fri 12-May-17 19:30:42

You do not take your DD to visit an abusive man. Wtf. Block him.

haveacupoftea Fri 12-May-17 19:31:03

What have I just read???

Block his number and never speak to him again.

MrsBobDylan Fri 12-May-17 19:31:36

You facilitate a relationship with an abusive man who isn't your dd's biological dad because..why?

Don't. Just don't have any more contact. You deserve better and your dd definitely does.

WatchingFromTheWings Fri 12-May-17 19:32:40

I don't understand why you still have any contact. It's doing no good for anyone.

Your friends are should have walked straight out with your daughter.

twitterandtweet Fri 12-May-17 19:33:09

I suppose I don't see him as abusive really, an arse yes definitely but abusive? A bit strong surely?? confused
I stayed in touch as dd is fond of him and I thought she'd feel hurt if he suddenly disappeared from her life.

MyKingdomForBrie Fri 12-May-17 19:33:14

I wouldn't be particularly bothered about the new partner bit, as you're exes, but I think you should tell her that you're not seeing him anymore because he wasn't nice to mummy and that's not ok. He's not her father so really no reason to keep him involved.

CatTheMouse Fri 12-May-17 19:33:38

I cannot believe on any realistic level that you really think this situation isn't 50 shades of bat shit crazy. Block him and protect your daughter, she doesn't need this in her life.

lookatyourwatchnow Fri 12-May-17 19:33:39

Do you need Mumsnet to explain to you collectively that this arrangement isn't in the best interests of your child? No more contact for fucks sake

BlahBlahBlahEtc Fri 12-May-17 19:33:49

I think you did what was best for your daughter under the circumstances. If you had of left in a huff / after a row etc your daughter would have been upset and not understood why she couldn't have the weekend there. I'm sure it wasn't easy. Tbh I think you'd be more of a wimp if you didn't stay.

SailAwayWithMeHoney Fri 12-May-17 19:37:57

Yes, his behaviour was/is abusive. You and your daughter are better off without him. Why are you facilitating this madness?!

PeaFaceMcgee Fri 12-May-17 19:42:40

In what way is this NOT abusive?

constantly criticising me, putting me down in public, telling me I was too fat and he didn't fancy me five minutes after sex etc... I could go on...

What do you think abusive means?

He was emotionally abusive to you - cruel, wanting to hurt you etc. Why would you want him as a good role model in your Dad's life?

She needs to know that mommy makes wise choices and is strong and confident.

PeaFaceMcgee Fri 12-May-17 19:43:44

*DD's, not Dad's

FaithAgain Fri 12-May-17 19:47:37

I agree with previous posters. Cut all contact. Don't you see that him inviting you to stay with him and his new partner is cruel to the point of abuse in itself? It might be worth you looking into the freedom programme

Chloe84 Fri 12-May-17 19:47:57

OP, your DD is 4. She'll soon forget this man.

Are you sure you weren't hoping something would strike up again between you and him?

Let him go. Open up to meeeting someone new and decent.

twitterandtweet Fri 12-May-17 19:51:21

Chloe definitely not, it was me that walked out, I recognise that he was an arse and made me unhappy, I suppose I just saw abuse as something more obvious, hitting, shouting etc.... Not the subtle stuff.

Thanks everybody, your replies have given me food for thought as I genuinely hadn't perceived this as an abusive relationship confused

expatinscotland Fri 12-May-17 19:52:44

Dear god! FFS, block and cut this person out of your and your daughter's lives.

DonutCone Fri 12-May-17 20:00:08

So she was 3 when you broke up, he's not even her real Dad? She would have forgotten he even existed by now if you'd just cut him out!

By dragging it out, you've made it a shed load harder for her to just forget about him. Seriously, didn't you work this out for yourself?

PeaFaceMcgee Fri 12-May-17 20:05:01

You can do the Freedom Programme for £10 online - might help to recognise what an abuser is / does? A lot of the time it's subtle and hard to explain to others, but it's all about control.

OuchLegoHurts Fri 12-May-17 20:05:12

WHY would you keep this man in your lives? You owe your daughter so much more than this. Talk about confusing her! Move on and let her get her head straight, because he's obviously going to meet someone at some stage, and probably have his own kids, and your daughter will have no actual connection to this family then.

MadMags Fri 12-May-17 20:08:21


Where's her actual dad?

twitterandtweet Fri 12-May-17 20:26:54

Right ok, thanks for the replies, like I said, food for thought.
Donut there's really no need to be nasty though is there? As I said the abuse was subtle, not obvious, it did significantly reduce my self esteem and make me doubt myself a lot, so perhaps I made an error of judgement. I did it with the best of intentions though because I didn't want him to suddenly disappear from her life. Yes I realised/hoped contact would fizzle out gradually over a couple of years.
Her real dad is very much a part of her life, he's lovely, he gets on well with the ex (although doesn't know what he was like with me) and has offered to let him visit dd at his house if I want to cut contact with him.

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