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Confused and sad

(28 Posts)
dailydance Sun 23-Apr-17 19:55:09

Looking for opinions on this .. really not sure if I'm being unreasonable.

I've been with my boyf for 7 months. We never had the exclusive talk, but thought after 7 months we were exclusive. I don't multi-date/only date one person at a time. He knows this. I understand a lot of people do see several people at the same time and I'm ok with this up to a point with someone I'm seeing.

Boyf has been a bit dismissive of me lately and suddenly been going out with mates each weekend. I'm not controlling; I go out with my own mates, it was the sudden change in him that rang an alarm. So as not to drip feed, he has not introduced me to any of his friends.

I texted him last night asking were I stood and if we are exclusive seeing as we never had that talk. He responded taking the mick out of my timing (he was on the way out I think) and then told me to answer my own question. I took from this that we were not exclusive and said this back to him. He read and ignored my 3 texts (one of which was me asking him if I was wrong or Is he seeing other people). I gave up and told him I would drop something belonging to him to his place (leaving it safely hidden in his front garden) as I assumed we were over. If we were over then I didn't want to see him again and just wanted his stuff out of my flat. He texted to say that he couldn't believe I dropped his stuff off and that I was very weird to do so. Tbh it wasn't mine and I wasn't going to keep it.

Was I wrong to give him his stuff back? I feel like shit. I know we are over, but also Aibu for feeling so annoyed about him ignoring me? I feel like crap but not sure if it's my fault.

Euphemia Sun 23-Apr-17 20:00:31

It sounds like the two of you needed to have proper discussions face to face, not a silly to-and-fro of texts.

DonaldStott Sun 23-Apr-17 20:00:41

It is really not your fault.

Look at it this way, you got out before it got too serious.

It sounds like he still wants to play the field, but didn't have the balls to tell you.

You done the right thing dropping his belongings off as he could have used it as a lame excuse to get into your life again.

He should have told you he wanted to see other people, but it is certainly nothing you done. You obviously want different things at this time.

dailydance Sun 23-Apr-17 20:03:19

Euph - I thought he may be more inclined to be honest on text than in person. Thought it would be easier for him.

dailydance Sun 23-Apr-17 20:05:20

Thanks Donald - I thought I was going crazy . I wish he had just been straight with me.

MrsTwix Sun 23-Apr-17 20:05:24

Why did you assume he meant you weren't exclusive?

I think you need to talk to him, properly.

Titsywoo Sun 23-Apr-17 20:05:36

Well to be honest you came across a bit odd. Texting him to have a serious conversation. He was too busy to have it and somehow you concluded he was seeing other people so you just dumped him. Unless I'm missing something that whole thing would have come across like you were unhinged.

MrsTwix Sun 23-Apr-17 20:06:04

Is he seeing someone else, or does he just think you are over reacting?

Pinkheart5915 Sun 23-Apr-17 20:06:35

Was text the appropriate way to discuss being exclusive? What's wrong with actually speaking?

Would I of ended a realtionship and put belonging in a front garden based on a what's in your op? Personally no becuase I'd always prefer a face to face conversation rather than a text

You don't have to be with anyone you don't want and you obviously made your choice that it's over so plenty more fish in the sea and all that...

dailydance Sun 23-Apr-17 20:09:39

I didn't know that he was busy when I asked him. He told me I had impeccable timing and to answer my own question. I gathered from that he was on the way out. He could have just said that he'd speak to me about it another day. A simple yes or no would have sufficed too.

dailydance Sun 23-Apr-17 20:11:42

I have tried to approach it face to face before but I was met with silence. That's why I tried on text... also thought it would be easier if he was seeing other people, then he didn't have to tell me to my face

Bleurghghghgh Sun 23-Apr-17 20:14:56

Is that what he said? That's a weird response. What was your text?

I think you should call him just to find out what he actually meant

loverlybunchofcoconuts Sun 23-Apr-17 20:15:16

I think he could well have meant that you could see you were exclusive for yourself by his reply - it wasn't totally clear, but he sure didn't say 'I'm seeing other people!
He probably didn't know what to make of your other texts and thought he'd talk to you later in person - if I got that lot out of the blue, I'd be quite confused I think.

You really need to talk to him, at a time when neither of you is on your way somewhere or out with friends, tho he may feel its all a bit too intense and dramatic after this - you seem to have got very worked up so there is a big problem over some time, without giving him a chance to address your worries.

dailydance Sun 23-Apr-17 20:22:19

I just wanted to know where I stood, after 7 months I didn't think it was an unhinged question sad

Bleurghghghgh Sun 23-Apr-17 20:24:31

I don't think you were being unhinged and I don't think you shouldn't have asked; but maybe not by text. Although if you'e mentioned it IRL before and been met with silence what is the rest of your communication like?

ImperialBlether Sun 23-Apr-17 20:26:47

He sounds really dodgy. Give him his stuff back and next time, have that conversation a bit sooner.

Motoko Sun 23-Apr-17 20:37:22

Is this "having the exclusive conversation" a thing nowadays?
In the old days (it's been 18 years since I last dated), you went out with someone, and it either carried on, or it ended. There was none of this dating different people at the same time before choosing who to stick with. At least amongst all the people I knew.

Giraffey1 Sun 23-Apr-17 20:40:46

I don't think asking him just as he was going out was the best plan. I think you are right in that it is a conversation you probably needed to have, but maybe better timing would help?

I don't think he has helped himself though, by not being straight Edith you.

And having this kind of serious conversation via text is definitely not the best way. You can't see the whites of each others' eyes!

MrsTwix Sun 23-Apr-17 20:48:17

If he wants you to answer your own question it could well be annoying man speak for you aren't seeing anyone else and I'm not either.

It's not unhinged to have these conversations, but it is unhinged to leave people's stuff in the garden without a clear answer. (Sorry)

Having these conversations by text when someone is busy isn't the best idea either.

I say this not because I'm perfect, but because I'm not.

dailydance Sun 23-Apr-17 20:51:59

I did say to him that I was going to drop it over to his. I didn't just land it there. He read that text and ignored it too. I was very confused.

dailydance Sun 23-Apr-17 20:52:40

Unfortunately Motoko it is a thing now. I really dislike it

Siwdmae Sun 23-Apr-17 20:54:56

I think he sounds uncaring. Possibly not someone you want to waste any more time on.

LucieLucie Sun 23-Apr-17 20:58:05

If he didn't want to lose you he'd have replied or called to allay your fears and give you a bit of security and commitment.

He dodged the question by turning it back, so in effect he isn't telling lies he just feels uncomfortable answering directly.

It sounds like he likes to have his cake and eat it when and wherever he likes.

Move on, maybe get sti tested to put your mind at rest.

AtrociousCircumstance Sun 23-Apr-17 21:10:20

He didn't give you a straight answer, not when you asked him face to face (met that with silence) and his response to your text was deliberately obtuse.

He's a wanker. He didn't want to commit, but wanted to cast you as a paranoid demanding woman.

You are well rid. And your text and responses to his texts were spot on.

Good for you for dumping his crap round at his.

SaucyJack Sun 23-Apr-17 21:15:11

I think if you have to ask where you stand after 7 months, then he's not really someone worth bothering asking. Sounds like he's just annoyed you took the decision to call it quits out of his hands.

Onwards and upwards mate,

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