Getting gifts for ungrateful people

[FairytalesAreBullshit]

I don't go out often, so I'm like a kid in a toy shop if I get to go to the supermarket. I get the essentials DH usually forgets, then a few little bits for the children, then some things to say thank you to DH. He always moans when I do this, but then he'll happily eat what I get, plus what I get for myself. So been trying smoothies, he's been making salads and having fruit cut up for breakfast.

It just seems a bit two faced that I never get a thank you, but he'll eat the stuff almost right away anyway.

For Easter doing something different, I think it's pretty cool if instead of eggs you donate money to a charity of your choice. DC's are always going on about Wateraid which provides clean water to 3rd world countries.

I thought I should grab something else, I noticed that there's a craze for Pop Vinyl figures, they do Disney, also Super Heroes, Harry Potter, Walking Dead, Fantastic Beasts, GoT. So to gauge what the children think of them I got one eat, plus a book for DS on puberty and how the teenage mind works, rated quite high which is cool, so hopefully will help. Got DD some Enid Brighton books.

I thought DH would feel left out, so looked at CD's from the year he left school, super cheap as they didn't really do CD's then I think they were just coming out. Also got some kinetic tape, a wrap around heat pack you microwave and bungee cord to fasten it round the joint. I just know he's going to say why did you bother, but at the same time he'll use all of it. Will have to figure how the kinetic tape works.

Yesterday had a visitor, totally unannounced, but let them in. It was a MDT thing making sure I was ok given my current prognosis, how they could help, what's available. DH got really annoyed that I let them in without an appointment, they happened to be in the area, I didn't check ID, but I'm rather trusting. I found it really helpful, I feel really informed. He's going to try and find out who it was a have a go. Ok I was sleeping, but it was really nice having people to talk to. (DC out all day at theme park!)

He moans about having to do stuff, then moans when people say oh we could do that. This is available to help you there.

If God could have zapped me there and then last night I'd have been happy. I felt so cheery having spoke to these people, then DH pisses on my fireworks.

After I pressed order I did think for a bit should I have bothered trying to be helpful, seeing as it's a dead very he's going to moan. It's not money or that, he just doesn't want me buying him stuff, but he forgets how well I know him and also that I thought it was thoughtful getting a couple of CD's with stuff from his school leaving year.

I can't remember what I got myself, I think it was a book on how to survive with teenagers. Apparently it's quite witty.

If someone moaned when you tried to do nice stuff, would you say fuck it and not bother? I do offer to help with stuff I can do sat down, but get told not to bother. It's at the point now where I rely on a relative who doesn't mind helping, as it's such a chore and big deal for him to do it.

I really like helping, but I don't like feeling crappy about it. I was in such a good mood last night, knowing what was out there for people with degenerative, life limiting illnesses, it really lifted me with the visitors, which didn't last, when it turned into being moaned at.

They're putting a pack together so I can go on the waiting list for appropriate housing, get help etc, then DH can find himself an amazing woman then realise this is what life is. You get up, get the children to school, go to work, chill, bed, repeat.

They did say at one point, what if Mr Right came along. My username is basically a play on the dreams you have as a kid about being grown up and loved etc. So I replied I don't know if it'll be classed as being a spinster, but that's what I'm happy with.

[pipsqueak25]

ca't really say what i think of your 'd'h ..er... total selfish knob might be a start, you really don't need to be around people like this let along married to them, he sounds a right bundle of fun.

[Wando1986]

I... I have no idea what I just read. What was your point or question OP?

[Donthate]

I'm confused, sorry. Are you moving out of your home and were the mdt asking about mr right if you are married? Was it just a joke because of your name?
I think you bought a lot of stuff in one go for no real reason. Could that be what annoys him? If DH came in with a pile like that I would wonder what he was thinking. Maybe buy for yourself and no your DH. He is capable of buying himself what he needs.

[LordRothermereBlackshirtCunt]

While your husband sounds like a grumpy twat, I have to say that your apparent addiction to buying stuff for the sake of it - and then expecting gratitude - would really piss me off.=

[ZacharyQuack]

He's said he doesn't want you to buy him so much stuff. Stop buying him so much stuff. Don't say you know him so well and buy it anyway, he's asked you to stop. Respect that.

[Pigeonpost]

Sorry, I don't really follow this, is there a back story I am missing? I would just stop buying things for people. Birthdays/Christmas yes but random unwanted and unasked for gifts is a bit odd.

[neonrainbow]

You seem pretty upbeat about it all! Im confused as to why you bought so much stuff tbh.

[JustSpeakSense]

I don't understand what you are asking

If it is about the gifts then, yes you should stop spending money on gifts when the recipient has asked you not to buy them.

[Dizzybacon]

You like buying stuff for DH but he has asked you to stop. If there isn't any need for it don't buy it. I can understand you're trying to be nice but that doesn't mean keep buying him gifts.

You comment about him meeting another woman, has he said he wants this? are you buying all this stuff to try and keep him sweet?

If he really doesn't want gifts or help, I wouldn't bother and instead put all your efforts into the DC and yourself

[Penfold007]

There is another thread on her this morning where a poster is throughly fed up with her DH buying a pile of expensive crap she really doesn't want. She has told him but he 'forgets'

Why do you buy these unwanted gifts for your H? Especially if you are separating in the near future.
You As for letting strangers in the house without checking their ID, he's right it is dangerous.

[KurriKurri]

I think (apologies if I'm way off the mark) that you feel you can't do as much as you would like to do because you have a degenerative condition which restricts you. So you are trying to compensate by spending money and buying gifts.

I think that is very understandable on your part, but I think you probably do yourself a disservice in that others do not think you are not 'pulling your weight' and so see no need for gifts and money spending.

You sound very down on yourself when you talk of your H meeting an amazing woman, and being a spinster - and those phrases hint at a lot of underlying insecurity.
Obviously I don't know you, or anything about your condition, but you don't sound happy in quite a deep way - and I think the gift buying/ lack of gratitude thing is all a bit of a red herring.
I think you need to talk to your husband about deeper things than unwanted gifts.

I would guess that you both have understandable fears and concerns about what the future holds and that can put great strains on a relationship.

For what it is worth, I think it would have been more helpful if your MDT had made an appointment and told you what was to be discussed - because that would have allowed you and your H time to think about any questions or points you wanted to raise in advance. But I'm glad you found their visit helpful, and they gave you some useful info.

I am confused about them asking 'what if Mr Right came along' - that seems an odd question when you are married, but perhaps I have misunderstood.

[SparklyMagpie]

I have absolutely no idea what I've just wasted time reading ?

[MyOtherNameIsTaken]

I'm baffled too!

[Cary2012]

"If someone moaned when you did nice stuff would you say fuck it and not bother?'

YES

[FairytalesAreBullshit]

Basically I meant to say am I in the wrong for buying stuff, even though he's happy to use it anyway, plus seems happy it's there, even though appearing dissatisfied.

But you have answered my question, it is because I feel guilty that I'm not an all singing all dancing wonder-woman. I want to say thank you if that makes sense with treats when I can.

The meeting Mr Right thing was because the plan is for us to go our separate ways, this is after hours private conversations, so the children don't know, but we plan to pretty much co-parent, but not live together if that makes sense. Or if co-parent is the wrong word, try and maintain existing parenting routines, whilst not a couple or living together. A bit hippy I guess, but hopefully will have less of an impact on the children.

I will try and keep posts more succinct in the future over waffling. I am really sorry for waffling. I am grateful that you have me honest replies.

[FairytalesAreBullshit]

How do you get a thread deleted? Is there anyway of doing it yourself, or do you have to ask MNHQ?

[Rachel0Greep]

Report it to MN and they can delete.

[gamerchick]

Hey you don't need to delete OP, people don't have to comment and you just have as much right to brain dump as anyone else on here.

Waffle away man if I helps you organise you thoughts.

[gamerchick]

I like to get the husband little things and also the kids, he's not a knob about it though. Sometimes I think people just like to moan for th sake of it.

You do seem a bit on the lonely side though, do you have RL support?

[Ceto]

Basically I meant to say am I in the wrong for buying stuff, even though he's happy to use it anyway, plus seems happy it's there, even though appearing dissatisfied.

I suspect the reality is that, because you've bought it, he uses it rather than see it going to waste - but it doesn't stop him being quite pissed off that you've ignored him yet again, and it certainly doesn't make him inclined to thank you.

[rookiemere]

So you're splitting up but also buying your H special little gifts and expecting him to be grateful for them?

He's probably confused. I'd stop buying him anything so that he is less confused. Easier all round.

[FairytalesAreBullshit]

If I'm honest 99% of the time I'm alone and don't have anyone to talk to, which is why I enjoy being on MN, I know at times I'm not always fluffy with sparkly fairy dust, but I do try most of the time to be supportive, although I do end up feeling sorry for a person if an alternative view is aired.

Both DC do extra curricular stuff inside and outside school. So I get time with them, but most nights they have something on. When it's hubby & myself, he's got this annoying habit of texting me over bloody talking out loud.

I'm going to take your advice and stop getting him 'thank you' presents for his hard work. I'm sure he knows that I'm grateful, as I do thank him a lot.

Just to be a bit clearer though, I'll get some odd bits that go into the fridge or cupboards, I struggle with my appetite. When I get hubby stuff, it's things I know he enjoys. But like one thing I bought, which I particularly like, plus it's nice for DC, he'll happily tuck in with big portions, so even stuff I get that's in my mind a treat for all, but something I like and usually with a long date, he'll dig into whatever. So I don't think it's anger that I've bought him some craft ales, or specific chocolate he likes, it's more I hope you don't expect the same in return.

I am sorry that I waffle, I do try to help others as best as I can, I would do anything for someone in need, I know the current situation isn't straight forward, but as was said the other day, I'm appearing to take it all in good spirit. That's because I believe that both DC should never be impacted by their parents or even family differences.

I spend a lot of time lay down, due to pain and symptoms. For me MN takes my mind away from whatever is impacting myself. I understand now it can be confusing and dull.

I am sorry though, I'll stick to try to help over moaning about how things are. I am grateful for your honest replies. I'm not trying to win hubby over, merely give a gesture to say thanks for the hard work he puts in.

Thank you again and sorry again. For the long weekend take what you need

Wishing you all the very best.

[whattodowiththepoo]

Anything I say is based on huge assumptions I have made.

The first thing I am confident about is you are a very caring person the second is you should stop buying him things even if it's something you know he will enjoy and like.

Do you know how to knit? If not could you learn or does your illness prevent that? I have seen so many great charitable efforts helped by knitting on mumsnet and it could be a very positive hobby you could channel your energy in to.
Knitting things for friends and family as well as donating knitted products you make?