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AIBU?

To read DD's diary?

17 replies

Shavvop · 05/04/2017 18:38

Can I just say, I haven't touched it. This is why I'm asking. I don't know what would be right. I'm really worried about my DD. She's 17. We have had some history of self-harm, etc.

She has a diary (well, about 3!) she has written in them for years and years and I've only once looked (when she was 13) and I couldn't have been happier that I did (she needed help) and I got her seen with CAMHS. That's all stopped now and she has been better for about 2 years? Anyway, I feel like things are getting bad again, she swears she is absolutely fine and she would say if she wasn't but I don't believe that, as when I saw it when she was 13, she clearly wrote "my mum is the last person I would speak to, I love her but I can't talk to her about stuff" or something along those lines, which was really hard to see but that's my fault, but anyway, like I said I did that because I was worried about her safety and I'm glad I did she was only young too.

I'm worried she's in a bad place and won't speak to me. She used to speak to her teachers/CAMHS but doesn't have that now and I'm worried she has no one. I am worried she's suicidal but she promises me she's not but again she has been writing loads and it's so tempting, I could get her life saving help.

I don't know if I'd be unreasonable to look. Can you please not jump on me for suggesting that I look? It's a really hard situation.

OP posts:

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00100001 · 05/04/2017 18:41

YABU

It's her private diary.

IAmTheWorwax · 05/04/2017 18:41

Yabu but I can totally understand why you want to. I think I would be tempted too.

If you and she finds out it will only push her further from you.
Why does she feel she can't talk to you? Can you try a different approach to your usual one?

00100001 · 05/04/2017 18:42

If you're worried for her, what will you knowing what's in the diary change how you will help her.

You don't need the "evidence" you think might be in there.

Just get her some more help.

Blossomdeary · 05/04/2017 18:43

She needs to be able to trust you in order to feel secure and to get over this blip. I know why you want to do it; but I do not think you should.

17caterpillars1mouse · 05/04/2017 18:44

I wouldn't. I really sympathise for the position you are in, but she's almost an adult and her diary is obviously her own, personal, safe space. I don't think she's forgive you twice.

If I was you i'd tell her you are worried and state that you've noticed she's writing alot and ask if she feels she can't talk to you can you read it is she wrote you a letter about how she's feeling. If she says no she says no. I think you need to handle this how you would with her if she had never kept a diary so talking lots, being resassuring and keeping a close eye.

Shavvop · 05/04/2017 18:45

I can't just get her help. They wouldn't give me the time of day unless there was evidence she was at risk.

OP posts:

Sirzy · 05/04/2017 18:47

I can see why you are tempted but that wouldn't help her trust you long term.

Is she at college or something? If so perhaps encourage her to talk to the pastoral team there?

If she is comfier writing things down you can always tell her she can write you a letter at any point if she wants to "talk" but not talk

Trifleorbust · 05/04/2017 18:48

Probably going to get flamed but I don't think you are being that unreasonable if you believe she is a suicide risk Police would look in her diaries if she went missing. I know in 99.9% of cases you wouldn't dream of it, but if you are actually worried she is going to kill herself...? I think I would look and take the hit.

Meekonsandwich · 05/04/2017 18:49

You don't need to read her diary to know she needs help, you already know. You'd break her trust if you said "I read your diary so I got you help"

Get her an appointment with cahms again, if you can, did she get discharged? If so go to the gp and ask for a referal again, sometimes there are mental health services phone numbers you can often get from your gp, just ring and ask.

Theres also child line and online counselling services which can help her confidentially.

Keep reminding her you're here and you will listen. She's not 13 any more.

Try and get her to a mental health professional now aswhen she turns 18 its her choice to accept help or not.

Isadora2007 · 05/04/2017 18:50

I had a book like a diary that dd and I shared when her anxiety was very bad around age 13. I find writing helpful and although she didn't...she equally didn't find face to face stuff easy. So I got a nice book and I wrote to her about how I found writing helpful and that I wanted to be able to help her and wondered if she could help me understand her a bit better without bugging her. So we had a back and forth diary between us which was lovely. Sometimes I might only write a line or two... sometimes a page.

I would start something like that being honest and saying you have noticed she is writing a lot and you wondered if there was anything she might me able to share with you as you are worried or concerned. Or if she feels there are things she might like to ask of you she can write them?

Don't read the diary.

Shavvop · 05/04/2017 18:51

Nope not at college she is doing 1 a level from home. She is very lonely. No friends or anything really. Just that diary.

Yes I do believe she could be suicidal.

OP posts:

flibflob · 05/04/2017 18:51

If you're worried enough to believe she's suicidal, you can get her help without needing to read her private diary, particularly if she has a history of MH issues. I understand why you want to but I wouldn't.

Shavvop · 05/04/2017 18:53

They discharged her from CAMHS when she turned 16. They said she needs to go through IAPT now and they referred her there, when I called them they said it has to be through her and she said she didn't want to talk on the phone and then they said to me "well when she is ready to do that get her to go back to the GP" so I can't.

OP posts:

Confusicous · 05/04/2017 18:53

Please don't! If she doesn't trust you, that's certainly not going to improve anything between you both

Agree with PP - you know something's wrong, seek the help

Maybe you could seek out family counselling as opposed to framing it as her being the one with an issue? It may help foster some bridges in trust if you gave her the opportunity and offered

TomaytoTomahto · 05/04/2017 18:54

Why does she feel like she can't talk to you about things? Perhaps you can try randomly telling her little anecdotes WRT your past/thoughts/feelings/secrets/etc. It might open up some sort of conversation that could give you a little insight into what she's thinking/feeling?

I can understand wanting to read her diary. But don't do it. At 17 especially it will probably feel like an enormous invasion of her privacy.

Trifleorbust · 05/04/2017 18:55

Can I ask what makes you believe she is suicidal? If it is obvious to you without reading her diary, you may be able to intervene as things stand.

flibflob · 05/04/2017 18:58

X-post. Isadora's idea of a shared book is great. If she doesn't like talking on the phone (I'm the same) could she email Mind, Sane or Samaritans? Are there any MH helplines in your local area? Childline do online counselling and email I think too.

Does she have any siblings/cousins nearby? Any sons/daughters of friends you could introduce her to? for you both, I know how worrying it is. But there are options other than reading her diary.

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