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AIBU?

Feel bad for having an only child

25 replies

LankySara · 12/03/2017 11:22

Hi everyone ,

I've been a long time lurker but never had the courage to post ! But I've been feeling like this for a while and it's expired me from the other thread.

I'm twenty- three years old and have a seven year old DS. I was in a very abusive relationship with DS dad and unexpectedly fell pregnant last year and after an agonising decision, I decided to abort . I felt stupid for getting pregnant again to a man like that, especially the fact the didn't even look after DS but anyway like the reasons why in the other thread of not sticking to one child, I would of liked for DS to have a sibling etc etc...but I feel like I was given that chance but selfishly decided not to go through with the pregnancy.

Though, having an abortion gave me the strength to leave DS dad once and for all (it's been nearly a year) and as expected as I was the one who broke up with him his subsequently decided not to be in DS life anymore ...or grew bored very quickly as he can't use DS an excuse to get to me anymore. I recently found out from a family friend of theirs that his expecting another child with someone else.

AIBU to feel the way I do ?The other thread related to my one did open up some wounds. But I guess it would always be like that ? I do fantasise DS having a sibling but I had that chance and blew it.

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Lalalax3 · 12/03/2017 11:27

You are 23. I had my first child at 33 and will have my second at 36. You have many, many fertile years ahead of you. Enjoy your son and who knows?! The circumstances may arise in which you have more, further down the line.

Lalalax3 · 12/03/2017 11:30

PS. Totally not unreasonable to feel the way you do, not at all. But you really do have so much life left to live.

LankySara · 12/03/2017 11:30

But I guess I want the child I aborted ?

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Lalalax3 · 12/03/2017 11:30

Yes, and I'd recommend counselling to deal with that.

EveOnline2016 · 12/03/2017 11:35

I know this sounds like a silly question, but why do you want another child. Apart from giving DS a sibling.

LankySara · 12/03/2017 11:40

Eve I guess to have more children.

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LankySara · 12/03/2017 11:50

.... and I guess I didn't want a huge age gap between DS and a next sibling.

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Lalalax3 · 12/03/2017 11:50

There are 21 years between my husband and his younger brother, and they're super-close

yellowfrog · 12/03/2017 11:58

It's ok for your son to be an only, if that's what happens. Being an only child (I am one) is fine. Honestly, there are pros and cons to being an only AND to having siblings. Whatever your son is, he will be fine. Well done on leaving the abusive relationship!

Starlighter · 12/03/2017 11:58

I think u need counselling to deal with the abortion. Please stop beating yourself up about it. It was a tough decision to make in a tough situation.

At 23, you have many years ahead of you to give your son a sibling. The best thing you can do for your son right now is keep being the great mum you are.

There were 18 years between my mum and her brother and they were so close. So please don't worry about that now.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 12/03/2017 12:02

I think the heart of the matter here was the choice to have a termination wasn't a free choice, not really. You made the decision not to bring a child into an abusive relationship - that was a strong and brave choice, but if you weren't in an abusive relationship you wouldn't have had to make that choice in the first place. It's not about the number of children you will end up with, it's about this child and coming to terms with the factors that led you to make the strong and brave choice you made.

Be kind to yourself and I agree, some counselling may help you come to terms with the past.

You were not selfish though, you were strong.

LankySara · 12/03/2017 12:10

Thank you everyone , it also doesn't help that some of my friends around my age are having their second kids.

I did think about having the child and the three of us would run away from their dad. (Sigh)

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Dashper · 12/03/2017 12:11

Try not to feel bad about your abortion. You did what you felt best for the child you already had and yourself. One reads countless threads on here where women have had more than one DC with useless/ abusive arseholes and are still trying to change them. But you did it. You made life better for your DS.

It's not quite the same but I miscarried a planned baby 18 months ago. DH and I have subsequently decided that our one DS is enough for us. DS is happy, healthy and the light of our lives. However, I will always want that one particular DC who never made it. So I know how you feel. And counselling will help.

Thirdly, you have years ahead of you to have more DC if you want.

Heinousfauxpas · 12/03/2017 12:19

You feel how you feel so YANBU. But you are being very hard on yourself. Only kids are only kids for a whole load of reasons. Choice, no choice, bereavement etc.

If you really want more DC then you are so young and have time to meet someone worthy to be your partner and a father. If you just feel that you 'should' have another then truly your DS will be absolutely fine if he doesn't have siblings. There are upsides and down to being an only and to having brothers and sisters.

If you are struggling with how you feel though then there's no need to struggle on your own. Speak to your GP and see what support is available. You will no doubt have to wait but it might help you sort out your conflicting feelings. You did so well to leave an abusive relationship. That must have taken a huge amount of strength and courage. And getting out is the biggest favour you could have done yourself and your DS . Please try not to beat yourself up.

Concernedmum4567 · 12/03/2017 12:25

Hi op, have you felt like that the whole year? Or has is just come on recently?

LankySara · 12/03/2017 12:26

Thank you. I was with DS for 9 years , since I was 14, I thought I would never have gotten out. I was coming up to the age of 21 and I gave up on life, I thought I was destined to be with an abuser for the rest of my life. Till I became pregnant the second time round, had an abortion and thought "no more". It did give me the strength to finally leave but why did having something life changing, like an abortion, gave me the courage to leave ? It shouldn't of taken something like that to leave him.

I need to get counselling. But I know DS would of been a good big brother and funny enough he now has some sort out of an obsession with babies, which he has never had before.

I guess everyone in life goes through different paths and this is my path. I just want to stop wallowing in self pity... it's just friends having new babies, threads about only children opened up some wounds yet again. I need to stop.

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LankySara · 12/03/2017 12:27

Concerned it comes and goes. It hit me very hard at first ! But over time I was beginning to be at peace with it...though I still get those pangs but they're not so intense like before.

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LankySara · 12/03/2017 12:29

To be honest, even if I had that child I would be still feeling the way I do now. Yes I will have two children but I will be grieving over the fact that I brought another child into another abusive relationship, DS dad leaving me to fully take care of them. Idk.

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Heinousfauxpas · 12/03/2017 12:37

It did give me the strength to finally leave but why did having something life changing, like an abortion, gave me the courage to leave ? It shouldn't of taken something like that to leave him.

Finding yourself pregnant will have no doubt really made you see your relationship in a new light (and you were older and more mature and had more life experience so could question things more maybe). It perhaps helped you realise that the thought of staying was more scary than the thought of leaving and gave you the extra strength to leave. It's often something life changing that helps you see things clearer (well in my experience). But you know what managing to leave was amazing. It took me 23 years and for things to be in a crisis situation to get out and I feel very angry with myself for not having the strength to go way way before and not waste so much of my life with an abusive tosser. It is way way harder to leave than a lot of people imagine. Some never make it out.

Your friends having second babies is also bound to make you think about things too. it's not surprising that this has contributed to old wounds opening up.

vrid85 · 12/03/2017 12:39

LankySara, to begin with WELL DONE for finding the strength and courage to leave such an awful man.
When I was your age I was in your exact position. I had a four year old child who's father had been violent and abusive for a long time. After an agonsing few years I had managed to walk away. When my son was two had fallien pregnant again, this resulted in termination.

I'm am now 31, have been with my husband for 7 years, we have a three year old together and are considering trying for another.

I can honestly say that leaving that man was the best thing I ever did and I have no regrets about terminating that pregnancy. At the time I had felt that I had lost my DS's only chance of having a sibling but I was completely wrong.

An abortion is painful and you may need some counselling, but you have so many years ahead of you to have more children and who knows what will happen, you are so young!
I wish you every happiness x

EveOnline2016 · 12/03/2017 13:03

Don't worry about age caps.

My brother who is 15 months older I haven't got much of a bond, we get on and there is nothing in our childhood that has caused this but we are into different things and haven't got much in common. Where as my sister which there is an 11 year difference I am extremely close to and we do a lot of things together as we enjoy the same things.

vrid85 · 12/03/2017 13:38

EveOnline2016 We're in the same boat.

Age gaps aren't a huge issue, especially as you get older, my brother and I have a 3 year age gap and can't stand each other, my sister and I have 12 years and she's my best friend

LankySara · 12/03/2017 16:34

vrid thanks for telling me your story ! What made you decide to get the abortion ? Was you sad afterwards ? Did you feel envious or people you know of that got pregnant ?

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LankySara · 12/03/2017 16:37

Hein You are so right ! I knew that if I had my exs second child that I will feel obliged to stay with him or even found it much hard to leave and waste my years. I also knew that DS dad would become increasingly abusive/obsessive over me too as he was like this when we had DS.

It's just so hard.

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Heinousfauxpas · 12/03/2017 22:20

You did an amazing thing for yourself and you DS. I know you are struggling with DS being an only child at the moment, but you should be bloody proud of yourself. One day you may find yourself in a better relationship where having another child is a possibility. And if you don't, then DS will be fine. He has the biggest gift a child could have - a strong, brave Mum who summoned up the strength to get herself and him out of an abusive relationship.

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