NC as this is outing. I’m 41, single, no DC, no family, don’t own my home (this is relevant!)
I’ve lived in London for 16 years. I moved here originally for work, and because I had lots of friends from school and uni here. Over the years, the close long-term friends I had have drifted away / emigrated / had kids and moved somewhere more affordable etc. The friends I’ve made in London (through work, evening classes etc) are nice enough but I don’t have anyone I’m that close to. If I need someone to talk to, I call my best friend who lives hundreds of miles away. If I’m ill, I have to look after myself. There’s no-one here I could call at 3am and say ‘I need help.’
About ten years ago, I started doing some freelance work on top of my day job. The flow of work and the income are sporadic, but I worked evenings, weekends etc, built up a good reputation and have managed to save a sum of money (all above board and declared to HMRC, before anyone asks ) I’m now at the point where I could afford to pay a year’s rent upfront somewhere outside of London.
The career that I moved to London for has become less and less appealing in the last few years. It’s no doubt partly because I’ve got something else (the freelance work) that I really love and am passionate about – but for the last few months I’ve been struggling to get out of bed in the morning. I hate commuting, I hate going into work, I hate thinking about work. (I don’t think I’m depressed because it’s only the day job that makes me feel this way).
As I get older, I’ve been thinking more often about moving out of London, getting a part-time job doing something unrelated to my career (happy to stack shelves / answer phones / do admin) to pay the bills, and spending the rest of my time on the freelance stuff I love.
I have a fantasy of living somewhere pretty, green, quiet – maybe near the sea – with a stronger sense of community and less stress / pollution / lower costs of living.
I know I’m not BU to think about moving out of London, or to have fantasies – but AIBU to think that my life would actually be that different somewhere else? In London it’s very easy to isolate yourself. It can feel like everyone gets the train back home to their suburb, closes the door and that’s it. But I worry I’d just be swapping one lonely life for another.
I’ve only lived in London as an adult – are smaller towns and cities friendlier? Are there lots of opportunities to make friends if you don’t have children? For anyone who’s lived in London and elsewhere – do people make more of an effort in a smaller place?
At the moment I have four options (that I can see):
- Stay in London. Make more of an effort to find real, good friends.
- Move to the city my best friend lives in. I love her, but she’s very introverted and I’m not sure we’d go out that much together. Lots of lovely cosy evenings in, but if I wanted to meet new people, that would be down to me. I did live in this city for a couple of years straight after university (she wasn’t there at the time) and I have some very bad memories of it. If she wasn’t there, I probably wouldn’t be considering it. It’s smaller than London but still a major city.
- Move somewhere much smaller and make a completely different kind of life for myself.
- Try living in a few different places for 6-9 months at a time to see what suits me. Downsides would be: moving costs; packing and moving (I hate moving!); it can take me a while to feel settled in a new place.
I’m interested in your thoughts and experiences (especially if you don’t have kids or if you’ve relocated after your DC left home) - and in the questions I haven't thought to ask myself...!