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AIBU?

So, which of us is BU? Dh or me?

26 replies

steppemum · 04/03/2017 18:09

normal Saturday, stuff to do, I did breakfast, took dd1 into town this am, then came backand had to sort gift for party this pm, sorted and processed several loads of washing, got kids doing Saturday jobs etc.
Dh has oven out on the floor trying to fix it (but has decided after an hour that he can't do it right now, so it pottering upstairs, possibly looking on-line for oven help, I am not sure.)
Dh is normally totally joint parent, whoever is in gets lunch etc.

So, it is 1:30, dh says let's have lunch, (so we are all running a bit late). Pretty informal lunch, dds getting left overs out of fridge, dh got out bread and cheese etc. As we were finishing dd1 is begging me to come and play her new game (birthday was this week and she got the game and we haven't had a chanc eto play it) I look at the clock, it is 2 pm, and I have to leave at 2:30 to take dd2 to a party, so I say, come on then we can quickly fit in a game, and leave the lunch table for dh to clear up.

I get back at 4 pm and the lunch table has been cleared, except for my plate and dd1s.
I really saw red. To me this is so petty. I feel like I have been running round doing kids stuff, his turn was to clear the lunch away, but he won't celar away my plate. It feels to me like being in one of those student houses. So at 4 pm, I clear my plate and dds, and then tidy and clear up a load of other stuff in the kitchen , and put the lunch stuff in dishwasher, and go on with washing, and then turf ds off the x box to make him do the jibs he has avoided all day which dh hasn't bothered to get him to do, despite the fact that he has been at home with ds, while I have been out with dds. Same with dd1.

Sopke to dh. told him how hurtful and petty the whoel lunch plate thing is, and how it just doesn't feel like we are a team working together when he does this. (it isn't the first time, I have no idea what the issue is with lunch plates)

His take on it is that each person should just put their own plate away, and he is often the last to finish and then he ends up clearing the table. He feels like why should he clear up after everyone.

I understand this, but then I think he needs to address it at the time, make the kids do it at the time, and to come in at the end of the day and find a plate looking at me, because I tried to fit dd1s game in is pretty poor. And I have spent all day clearing up after everyone, so the least he coudl do is one sodding plate.
He doesn't get it.

I know this is written biased to me.

But who is BU?

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Trifleorbust · 04/03/2017 18:14

He is being ridiculous. When you are parenting children and running a home, you will do lots of things for each other and for your DD, not always equally. It sounds like he is acting somewhat like a single person.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 04/03/2017 18:15

As you did all the running around travel wise today it was unreasonable of him to not manage to do an extra trip to the kitchen with a plate. If I was you I would order take away for 1. . No plate needed. .

WhataMistakeaToMakea · 04/03/2017 18:17

Yanbu. I'd be fuming (well really I'd be passive aggressive make tea/do washing for everyone except him....possibly why I'm single!)

golfbuggy · 04/03/2017 18:19

Just considering today, it is petty.

However if you have a house "rule" that everyone tidies their own stuff away, then this should have been done before the game. We have a similar rule in our house and I can tell you it gets incredibly annoying when people decide it's only one plate and they can't be bothered this time because they'd rather do something else if you're the default person that always has to clean up after them.

It's a bit like the MN perennial that dirty clothes should go into the wash basket, and not next to it/randomnly on the floor. It's not really a big deal to pick them up, it's just the general lack of consideration for the person doing the picking up.

steppemum · 04/03/2017 18:31

I understand that golf. The thing is that I am the default person who normally clears up, and I do quite often, which is why I find this really petty.

We don't have a house rule about evryone tidies their own stuff either. the kids take it in turns to clear dinner and pack dishwasher. Weekend lunches are a bit random as they don't fit the normal rules.

OP posts:

Motherwithflaws · 04/03/2017 18:37

He's an arse!

steppemum · 04/03/2017 18:41

dh is cooking dinner.
It is pizzas, to be cooked in said oven which is still in middle of the floor (but working). He didn't object

I think I am just having a rant. He is normally pretty joint on the parenting front. It is saturdays though, we each have stuff to do, mostly around the house, but my stuff seems to include doing the kids as well, while his doesn't unless I am specific. If I said - you are in charge today, I will be out, he will do everything perfectly. But when we are both around, I do tend to have to say - are you making lunch or am I? and then he goes -Oh yeah, lunch.

OP posts:

TheMasterNotMargarita · 04/03/2017 18:44

You are nicer than me.
I'd have had a tantrum.
He's ridiculous and petty.
Team effort, how much does it takes to pick up a fucking plate?
Next time he wants his washing done just leave it in the basket

I'm actually cross for you.

TheMasterNotMargarita · 04/03/2017 18:46

Ah x posted.
It's still annoying that it's you by default. Happens here too maybe that's why it got my goat!

WicksEnd · 04/03/2017 18:55

Droid you do his washing?
Put his back in the washing machine for him to hang/tumble dry.

WicksEnd · 04/03/2017 18:56

Not droid! 'Did'

DameDeDoubtance · 04/03/2017 19:01

I would not wash his clothes, see how he likes that.

Trifleorbust · 04/03/2017 19:02

. But when we are both around, I do tend to have to say - are you making lunch or am I? and then he goes -Oh yeah, lunch.

Hate this. It makes you feel so petty when you're sat there waiting for your partner to think about your child's needs.

DelphiniumBlue · 04/03/2017 19:07

He is being petty. But then you did leave your plate on the table. Sounds like he's making a point. I can't see why playing a game with your daughter means that you can't put your own plate away, it would take about 5 seconds. Has he brought it up before?

IamFriedSpam · 04/03/2017 19:08

YANBU. It's barely more effort to clean 3 or 4 people's plates than one - it's petty. I also agree that it's tiring always having to be the one in charge thinking about the logistics when lunch needs to be made, what time we need to head off, pick up the pressie etc.

haveacupoftea · 04/03/2017 19:13

Hard to say. My DP has got up from the dinner table before and left me with his plate to clear away for him and it made me feel like total shite.

LadyTmalia · 04/03/2017 20:27

I seem to be in the minority here, but I do think you are being a little unreasonable.

I mean, you left the dinner table with your plate still on it, implying someone else has to take it. that's poor in my opinion, so yes, I would be pissed off if my DH/Kids did this.

If you had taken your plate to the kitchen and left it on the side, then if he was loading the dishwasher, I would say he was unreasonable.

DameDeDoubtance · 04/03/2017 22:28

Lady - he left his clothes expecting someone else to sort them out. Did he think about what the kids were up to today, if they had a party, did they need a present for it? Nope.

happypoobum · 04/03/2017 22:35

Agree with PP - don't you dare wash or iron any of his clothes this weekend.

Polly85 · 04/03/2017 23:23

The last time DH and I had an argument similar to this, I immediately stopped washing his clothes/picking up after him. I even only made my half of the bed for days it wasn't quite as fun as I had expected though, because he didn't notice tl:dr, I am petty as fuck

greenworm · 04/03/2017 23:32

It's really fucking petty and annoying.

UNLESS your DH genuinely has a case for feeling he does much more household stuff than you. I can understand being driven to make a point in that case.

But it doesn't really sound like that. I'd ask him if he'd appreciate you doing everyone's washing but he, if he hadn't sorted out a load in a while.

BlackeyedSusan · 04/03/2017 23:37

ah well maybe you could not feel like doing his washing next week.

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Bigbertha123 · 04/03/2017 23:57

This could have been my post today. However I chose the tantrum reaction and DH is on the sofa for the night. (His choice btw)

SpackenDeDoich · 05/03/2017 00:06

He's a dick head.

steppemum · 05/03/2017 12:27

so, another day, feeling a lot less ranty today.
He is a good egg really.
I don't think I would mind if it was something that I always expect him to do it, I think it is because I so often do it, but the once he has to he won't.
I think the other thing that gets me is that he didn't say anything at the time, but just leaves the plate. Just passive protest. I have NO sympathy with that and he knows it!

I think, as Fried Spam said, it is the one doing the organising which is tiring. We have talked about this before and he does get it, but we have obviously slipped.

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