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Asking my mum to do handover

(13 Posts)
aibu1983 Wed 22-Feb-17 15:55:22

i split from my childrens dad 2 years ago after a bad relationship, he was never a great dad and my family never liked him (mutual) although they tolerated him. he now sees the children when he chooses and i'm very flexible with him. he sees them at most every 3 weeks for a few hours and 8 weeks in between the last visit.

he comes to my house to collect the kids and they wait by the window for him or outside (their choice) he would never come to the door which is fine by me.

my mum helps me a lot with childcare so i can work. Recently i wanted to start a hobby, my mum has the kids one night for the hobby and i asked my ex if he would collect them from my mums after school on the other night and i would pick them up after , this is me trying to maintain a more regular arrangement which benefits me too, he has said yes but my mum wont let him collect the kids from her.

she does the handover for my sister , her ex is actually being a bigger cunt than my ex has ever been so i dont understand why she will do it for her and not me.

another point, my new partner has collected the kids from her just now and she has told him all about this and tried to get him on side which isnt going to be hard as who likes their partners ex!

the fact my family still has hatred for my ex really pisses me off, it makes it harder for me when i have moved on!

she has offered now to have the children a second night but i feel she is doing this to control when my ex sees the kids.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 Wed 22-Feb-17 15:59:45

Sounds like she is worried if you are more organised with your ex you won't 'need' her as much. Explain you know the kids do love her but they are allowed to love their df too!!

melj1213 Wed 22-Feb-17 16:05:36

What reasoning does she give for refusing to allow the children to se their father just because she happens to be watching them beforehand?

She is definitely BU - me and my Ex split pretty amicably so there's no issue with either of us picking up DD from each other's family members ... that doesn't mean my parents enjoy having him round picking up DD if I'm not there to be a buffer (awkward small talk while DD finishes getting her bag/shoes/coat etc is not their forte) but they do it because he is her father and they have no rights to deny their grandaughter access to seeing her dad, and if they did I'd be stopping them from having her as her relationship and time with her father is not something that they get to decide!

How would she feel if your ex-MiL refused to return your DC to you after access? Because she is doing the same thing, the only difference being that you are the RP and he is the NRP

aibu1983 Wed 22-Feb-17 16:15:50

thank you melj, that is my point but what she would say to me is "im not stopping the kids seeing their dad, let him collect them from you! " this would be no problem normally however its not convenient on the night of the hobby as i would have to drive a different route home to get them and then drop them with their dad and would be late.

aibu1983 Wed 22-Feb-17 16:16:39

she told me she doesnt need to give reasons...

BillSykesDog Wed 22-Feb-17 16:24:47

Hmm, I wonder if this is because your sister has her kids picked up from there? Perhaps your Mum has found that arrangement has bought trouble to her door and is leery of getting into the same jam with you? That might explain why she won't tell you why too.

I hate to say it, but she is also correct she doesn't have to give you a reason too.

aibu1983 Wed 22-Feb-17 16:31:04

my ex would give no trouble though, there never has been trouble since we split? there are no bad feelings between us as far as i am concerned and he treated me pretty badly. im aware she doesnt have to give a reason but she does it for my sister so its strange

foodtime Wed 22-Feb-17 16:31:30

I never understand why women go out of thier way to organise contact with dads who clearly couldn't give a fuck about their children.

I can see why your mum won't want to do it.

melj1213 Wed 22-Feb-17 16:32:57

If she doesn't need to give reasons for refusing to hand your children over to their father then you don't have to give reasons as to why she will no longer get to see them.

It might mean that you lose out on childcare, but for me it would be a hill to die on - if you are happy for the children to go to their father's and there is no health, wellbeing or safety concern behind her refusal then she is actually causing you more problems than she is solving and she is also preventing a parent from seeing their child, without good reason.

What if he turned up at her door regardless to collect them, would she really stand there and refuse to let him take them when they would presumably have seen their dad arrive and want to go with him? If he really wanted to push it he could speak with his solitor and turn it into a big legal issue as your DM has no legal right to withold his children from him, especially when you have agreed to the contact.

melj1213 Wed 22-Feb-17 16:37:39

I hate to say it, but she is also correct she doesn't have to give you a reason too.

I disagree, if my Ex and I have decided that he will pick our DD up at 4:30 on a Friday my parents would not get to overrule that just because on that particular Friday, at 4:30 she was at their house rather than mine unless they had good reason to not want him coming to their house.

NoFucksImAQueen Wed 22-Feb-17 17:53:58

She's being childish. Whether she likes it or not he's her grandchildren's father and she should act like a grown up for their sakes

BillSykesDog Wed 22-Feb-17 18:29:42

melj, they may not have the power to refuse to let their father pick them up, but they most certainly have the right to decline to provide childcare unless their wishes are respected. You might hypothetically be happy to die on that hill, but most people are probably sensible enough to realise it's not worth losing free, flexible, regular, reliable childcare over or causing a family fall out for. The OP says it allows her to work, so I suspect stopping it is either not an option or an extremely expensive one. It would also be very hard to restart, as once people are aware you will use bullying tactics like withdrawing your children then they're less likely to want to do you favours. The mother is doing her a favour and so it's on her terms.

OP, you say you had a poor relationship and your family dislike him. She may not feel as confident as you about him not causing trouble. She might also feel that it will be dumping dealing with tears and disappointment on her if he doesn't show. She might also feel that it's inconveniencing her as if he's late or doesn't show she will be inconvenienced by being left with the kids or being stuck around waiting for him. I do sympathise with her, she might well have had her fingers burnt doing it for your sister.

BarbarianMum Wed 22-Feb-17 18:46:43

She helps you a lot with childcare. She
Is entitled to put limits on that.

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