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Feeling a bit desperate

(10 Posts)
ElvishArchdruid Fri 17-Feb-17 01:54:15

Got a lot going on at the moment and DH is dragging me to the depths of insanity. There's a few things I would like an opinion on if possible.

We got a bigger house which means we both have our own room with en-suite. We've been married a long time, so we've been in the 'friends' stage a while. We both work full time professional jobs of equal importance.

I'm aware he's friendly with other women, It was either embrace it, or don't. We wanted to co-parent, so the bigger house appeared ideal. We both also have our own spaces, plus a family room where we congregate when our children are awake.

New house, new school. His hours means he can do the school run on certain days as he can work from home. One child made a friend and it was a slight love/hate relationship. DH speaks to the Mum, so after a rather nasty incident when DC was more timid, he was picked on and got upset. I advocated we just cease contact with the family, but DH had other ideas. DC was given a card and present to say sorry, I'm all for second chances.

DC has had a bit of at attitude change from being meek & mild to being rather bolshy & moody. I can't say I'm overly impressed, neither is the sibling. DC ended up in trouble a month ago, DH was calling this teacher all the names under the sun. I felt it was OTT for what was a slight misunderstanding. It turned out DC's friend had been disciplined by same teacher, I know he's friends with the Mum, it feels he's invested if that makes sense.

I asked DH what this child's SEN were, as I was curious more than anything, but also wondered if DC was picking up bad habits from the child. I got told in a not so nice way to keep my nose out. As a parent your mind runs away with you, I am concerned as they grow older together, if DC's behaviour continues on this trajectory it could be problematic.

I appreciate that DH feels he's in control of the situation, I don't see if he knows, why I can't be told. It would give me a better understanding. I know the child has had a troubled past so is afforded sympathy, is it too much to ask to know more about children who spend a lot of time together?

The sibling is picking up on the change and is commenting on it, they used to have a good relationship, with usual sibling quarrels. One example, DH told DC off, we have different parenting styles, a bit like good cop, bad cop. DC looked annoyed, so I went to put my arm round them and he shot me a look and said leave me alone. This is after we had a nice morning together. I went to do something and other DC said you can cuddle me Mummy, are we still doing 'X' later, DC1 said to DC2 more or less DC2 was sucking up to me and looking perfect.

I have no bias, both DC1 & 2 are treated equally. I don't agree with smacking or screaming your head off, you get better results explaining why a negative behaviour is negative.

It sounds OTT but I worry about children that do really bad things, I know DC1 wants to be cool and with the in crowd. It slights me this is at the cost of what was once really good behaviour. The two are separated in class as they misbehave when together, so to me it's going as far as silly behaviours are impacting educationally. DH won't hear a bad word about the child in question.

DH can be chauvinistic, with problems at school he's the man so he deals with them. I try and put a point across we're both equal, but it goes in one ear and out the other. I wouldn't mind so much if he didn't make himself out to be such a martyr. He does DC1's main hobby, whilst I do DC2's, plus they have swimming together but DH insists on doing that, there's no need for both of us apparently.

A few times I've been left speechless and somewhat upset by his attitude and what he says about me. I've suggested DC2 & I watch DC1, DC2 is welcome, but surely I have better things to do? I'm not Mary Poppins, we have a cleaner 3 times a week, plus the same person does laundry. It comes out of my spending money, it doesn't make sense to spend the weekend doing a full clean, I'd rather pay for this woman to give the house a once over, plus do work clothes, casual clothes and bedding/towels. The uniforms, our underwear and sporting kits get washed by me on a Friday/Saturday, then ironing on a Saturday night.

We both work hard and both spend our 'spare cash' after bills & savings on what we want. I like the cleaner as she's totally lovely and is really thorough. with the laundry it's a case of putting into wardrobes & drawers.

I should add DH goes out twice a week of an evening. I've suggested a babysitter, it's always a big no.

So AIBU to want to know more about this friend. I know it's normal to worry about our children's behaviour.

AIBU to spend my hard earned cash alleviating me of spending a whole day cleaning, as I believe weekends ideally are for family time.

What would you do with a DH who appears to be embarrassed being seen with you?

ExitStage Fri 17-Feb-17 02:10:43

It seems as though your husband isn't really in the marriage anymore. I assume by being friendly with other women, it's rather more than discussing the Greek debt crisis over coffee with them?

Whilst you live under the same roof, you've effectively already separated. Certainly in his mind it would look that way. Is that how you see it?

If you were living at different addresses and there was something that affected your child you would definitely want to know all about it. That's only reasonable.

I think I would also make him pay half the cleaners wages or make him do half the housework!

ElvishArchdruid Fri 17-Feb-17 03:08:11

I honestly couldn't put up with the moaning.

I agree I know full well that he's not talking about US politics (chuckle) I don't mind. What I do mind is when I go to do something and it's 20 questions, that's why I don't go out anymore.

I thought maybe it would work co-parenting like this, but he'll bring up mistakes I made years ago. If I even contemplated the same it would be why are you dragging up the past.

We've discussed openly in front of both children, that maybe when the youngest is older we might live apart. There's more equity than there is mortgage here, he's really materialistic, so I can see he would want to stay. He knows I'm passive enough to say fair enough, as long as the children are happy. The main reason for choosing this was the fact it had 2 masters pretty much with en-suites & wardrobes. I don't think your house really defines you, so I'd be happy with anything. The quirkier the better.

My main issue is the children don't have 1 parent, they have 2. So with the situation with the eldest I don't feel like there should be secrets. It's verging on knowledge is power.

It sounds horrid that this would even enter my mind, but if this other child is unhinged, has various problems, I don't want my DC being dragged into something as an accomplice. In the nicest way it's good DC has a great friend and DH is close to the family, but there's something about what I hear that I don't like. An example could be mind games that are played, making my DC jump through hoops. Ok it's a bit OTT & OCD, I just want the best for them and to protect them both.

Birdsgottaf1y Fri 17-Feb-17 05:16:28

""I just want the best for them and to protect them both.""
""We've discussed openly in front of both children, that maybe when the youngest is older we might live apart. ""

Why? What use is it to your children to have the worry that their lives are going to change dramatically.

I don't think that you are recognising the damage that you are both doing to them.

Your older DC will have no respect for you, as the teen years kick in, if things continue as they are.

I think that you are wrong to use the term "unhinged" about a (primary?) aged child, or at all, really. The other child's SN isn't necessarily a "problem", but you're living arrangements, the keeping of secrets and your DHs attitude/behaviour are.

So is your acceptance of it.

doubletrouble41 Fri 17-Feb-17 05:56:13

Er, your relationship sounds deeply wrong and potentially damaging ... if you separate properly later on will you not look back and feel you wasted all these years? It just doesn't even sound like a relationship to me, sorry, and I thought I was pretty open minded. And as to him not letting you get involved in school matters, theyre your kids! Tell him to eff off!! Sounds like a controlling wanker.

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual Fri 17-Feb-17 06:06:45

Your husband sounds absolutely horrendous. He makes you pay for the household cleaner, he is shagging other women but gives you the third degree if you try to leave the house, and am i reading right that he discourages you from joining in some activities to do with your dc, not to mention withholding school info?

I really don't think you're able to co-parent with someone like this. It needs mutual respect, and he has none for you.

Frazzledmum123 Fri 17-Feb-17 06:07:06

I'm sorry but I'm inclined to agree with birds. You sound like a lovely person but I don't think your living arrangements are healthy, how confusing for your children.
To be honest, I think it sounds like your son's attitude is more to do with his learned behaviour from his father than a friend's influence. Your husband has no respect for you and this is his role model of what 'men' should be like, especially towards you. Children need to feel secure and I doubt yours do right now, sorry. It's not even necessarily about you two living separately but the way your husband is treating you and the fact family life doesn't sound happy must be so unsettling for them.
I take it from your op that you do the school run some days too? How come your husband knows so much more about his friends than you? Don't let him fob you off that it's his place to sort things, start standing up for yourself more and asserting yourself.

Miserylovescompany2 Fri 17-Feb-17 06:48:15

You've moved to a larger property, both yourself and your DH have seperate rooms, plus additional seperate spaces each. So, you are both living seperately, yet together? That must be confusing for the DC. They must also pick up on the tension.

Also, you are both on different pages when it comes to parenting style, (good cop, bad cop) again, this must be confusing for the DC.

With regard to the cleaner, surely that is of benefit to the entire family. So why does the expense belong only to you?

I don't think he wants to be there. He's merely going through the motions and leading a very seperate life to yours. Rather than being honest, he's passive aggressive.

He's doing the school run. So it has nothing to do with you. (This is what his actions are telling you)

I think he'll continue with his shite until you say you've had enough. Then he can lay the blame at your feet for breaking up the family home.

What do you get from living in this way? It sounds torturous sad

Costacoffeeplease Fri 17-Feb-17 08:15:50

This is a ridiculous way to live, none of you can be happy, including the children

ExitStage Fri 17-Feb-17 08:42:41

You mentioned in your reply that he drags up mistakes you've made in the past. We won't revisit the politics analogy, however are we talking about burning the apple crumble or have you also had affairs in the past? If so has it been a case of tit for tat affairs? Or does he think you've made parenting mistakes and is that why he is behaving like he is?

It's a bit academic really, because ultimately you're in a marriage that's just a facade, where you're individuality is being systematically crushed. I suppose the two questions are do you love him and do you want to stay in the marriage?

If the answer is no then you have to gird your loins (where the hell does that come from?) and look to leave. You mentioned about a quirkier place so it seems that actually you're already dreaming of a life away. So make it happen!

The question of your son is different. The phrase unhinged isn't helpful, although we all know where you're coming from. You're going to have to make waves and find out what is going on. You need to think of what you want with regards to custody of the kids, but I do believe both parents have the right to know everything that is going on with their kids. Maybe it's time you started doing the school run at times?

A last observation. You wrote your last post at 3:08. At that time of the morning, this is really playing on your mind. That's not a healthy way to live.

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