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To change or not to change the name?

(12 Posts)
Musereader Thu 16-Feb-17 18:52:56

Dd is almost 6 months old, when i registered her my reationship with the father was a bit up in the air. I expected him to turn up but he didn't so i went ahead and registered with first name that we had agreed on, middle name that i picked, second middle that he picked because it is a family name and double barrel surname mine-his. Upshot he is not on the birth certificate as her father but has his surname as part of her name.

Now the realationship is totally over, he is supposed to see her every sunday but has only seen her for once in the last 5 weeks.

My mum has suggested removing both his chosen middle name and his surname. Looking into it i can remove the middle name by reregistering but can't do anything about the surname. I would need to do a deed poll for the surname but ex could challenge it even though he has no parental rights due to not being on the birth certificate.

I would like to be rid of both the names, the surname more so, but dont want to go to court and i dont think it is worth it to reregister to remove the middle name only. Mum disagrees and has booked an appointment to reregister next week, (to remove second middle name only) aibu to not go?

peppatax Thu 16-Feb-17 18:54:05

What's it got to do with her exactly?

Leeds2 Thu 16-Feb-17 19:03:16

I would agree that it it not your mum's business.

But if YOU want to remove the middle name, and change the surname, I would go along to the appointment and get the middle name removed. Step 1. Then set about step 2, and changing the surname. Only do it though if you are 100% sure that this is what you want. Don't do it because it is what your mum thinks is right, however well intentioned she may be.

If you are going to make changes, I think it is a good idea - as long as you are certain - to do it whilst your DD is young, so that she won't know any different and that all her records when she starts nursery, school etc will be in the correct name.

BenguinsMummy Thu 16-Feb-17 19:06:41

If his name is not on the birth certificate and you have never been married, then he does not have parental responsibility and therefore no say in what you call her... However... Please think very carefully before cobsidering a deed poll as it is something that your daughter will have to explain and produce for everything... Passport, work, driving licence, the list goes on... Some social workers would claim that it could also impact on her self identity if her father ever did pull himself together and build up a meaningful relationship in the future, (not my personal opinion, those of a social worker in a case I read recently based on contact with a child who's father had applied for parental responsibility only to find that the mother had changed child's name via deed poll)

MrsHathaway Thu 16-Feb-17 19:09:58

You don't actually have to use the name on your birth certificate. Things like your driving licence have to match but you can introduce yourself as Consuela Banana-Hammock if you want to. She can certainly be known as DD Yourname at school, for example.

Why are you removing his choices of name? To punish him? He's losing out by not being in her life.

VeryBitchyRestingFace Thu 16-Feb-17 19:19:43

What on earth has it got to do with your mother? confused

ollieplimsoles Thu 16-Feb-17 19:19:50

Some social workers would claim that it could also impact on her self identity if her father ever did pull himself together and build up a meaningful relationship

I think it would be more damaging to carry around the loser's surname for years and years, believe me ive done it, and I actually did see my dad.

Get rid of it op, and well done for keeping him off the bc

zsazsa468 Thu 16-Feb-17 19:24:51

To pick up on MrsH asking why are you removing his name....

Why did you give dc his surname?

Not judging, but everyone has a reason for choosing their child's name.

The surname is double barrelled showing both sides of the family and if this was important for you to do this for your dc then, why does this change because you aren't together now?

The father might not be around now but that might change again and then when dc is older you'll have to explain erasering the father's name.

Just be sure in what you want to do moving forward, your reasons and not rushing into making a choice.

MimiSunshine Thu 16-Feb-17 19:34:16

Firstly cancel or just don't go to the appointment. If you want to do this rearrange your own appointment, dont go to one your mum is bullying you into.

Secondly I'd actually keep the middle name, your daughter may value it later as something her dad chose for her. Or she may not but either way it's a second middle name, hardly anyone will ever know it so is it really worth the faff?

And thirdly. I'm surprised that as he isn't on the bc he could stop you changing it. He isnt legally recognised as the father so who's to say he is (I'm not doubting you) and there was nothing he could do to stop you if you'd not put his name in the first place.
Regardless I'd just unofficially drop his surname, thankfully you registered her with both so from now on just use yours rather than the deed poll change that she'll forever have to explain.

School forms etc will have something like 'full name' and 'known as', and even if they don't you can make it clear that your daughter may be Jane Louise Elizabeth Smith-Jones but is known as Jane Smith.

I changed my daughters surname at the doctors after initially registering her with a different one. I just filled in a form and they changed her records, didn't ask to see her bc or anything.

Forgive me if I'm wrong but the amount of influence/ input your mum has makes you sound quite young. She may want to wipe your ex out of your daughters history but unfortunately it just doesn't work that way and it's time to make your own decisions

GatoradeMeBitch Thu 16-Feb-17 19:49:30

Some social workers would claim that it could also impact on her self identity if her father ever did pull himself together and build up a meaningful relationship

I have the surname of a temporary stepfather I can barely remember. It's still my name. As long as you have a name, I don't see what the problem is.

It's a shame you gave her his surname too when he didn't bother to turn up at the appointment, but it's done now.

Have the middle name removed if you like (you, not your Mum) but don't tell him. It's not something he's ever likely to find out about, but if it ever did come down to a court case he could use it against you.

BeaLola Thu 16-Feb-17 19:57:38

I didn't think you could re-register unless you are adding Father to birth certificate in which case he has to go to the appointment with you or unless you have married Father.. (misses point of thread)

I would keep the middle name he choose as this is important for your daughter when she is older along with the names you choose - he may not be involved now or later but she would know he had a say in her name.

Musereader Thu 16-Feb-17 21:58:41

My mum hated him from the beginning and my whole family want me to cut ties with him as much as possible because of the way he treated me, it was emotionally abusive at times.

Originally he picked out the name, the whole name was going to be agreed first, his middle and his last, he refused to let me pick a middle as i had picked the first (i hadnt, i picked a theme and he had picked the name he found most acceptable within that and grumbled the whole time) it had to be his middle because his sisters both had the middle for religious (catholic?) reasons and when i said it was going to be double barrelled (because we werent married) he screamed at me and threatened to leave, only agreed to it after he had tried to persuade several co workers that it was his right to give his child his surname, they all got baffled why double wasnt good enough, they had assumed it was going to be my name anyway because we werent married. The only reason i got to put my choice of middle name was because he wasnt at the registration appointment.

I put his middle and surname because like i said it was up in the air, SW had asked me to stay somewhere else a week earlier while some issues with ex's mental health and tidiness were being looked at and i was expecting to move back in with him shortly and i knew he would be angry if i left them out. As it was i ended up staying away for long enough that he left of his own accord

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