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To not know what to do with the way I feel any more.

(9 Posts)
Fedupfeelingthisway Thu 16-Feb-17 14:19:25

I know this is not really AIBU but i am so totally at the end of my tether with how I feel, I just don't know what to do.

I hate myself. Utterly despise myself. I'm obese and I am incredibly ugly. I have no self esteem at all. When I see my reflection or my photo I feel so low and I become totally obsessed with it.

I've always hated my appearance but it hasn't always been as constant as it is now. I have nothing going for me at all, I'm fat (14 stone) and I'm ugly and I feel like a total freak.

I try to dress well, but the truth is clothes look awful on me. I'm tall too so that also makes me stick out like a big fat ugly freaky beacon.

My hair is disgusting, it's so thin and no styles look good

My body is revolting. I hate it. I can't bear to have sex with my DH because when you are as ugly as I am it feels wrong. I don't deserve it.

My face used to be ok but I'm 40 now and I haven't aged well. I have a disgusting gummy smile, I have saggy heavy ugly eyelids. I have a nasty mouth.

Everything about me is grotesque.

But I have such a living DH. And 3 DC. I have always managed to disguise and hide my self loathing but in the last few years it's started to crack through and DH knows something is up. He only ever makes me feel loved and tells me how perfect he thinks I am.

But I hate myself. And I am so so so so so tired of feeling this way. I'm in a constant 2 stone on/2 stone off cycle. At the moment I'm the size of a house and it's sickening. I do exercise (running) but I think my metabolism is now totally screwed because of yoyo dieting for so long.

I was put on AD last year, but they also made me gain weight so I came off them. I'm not feeling as hopeless about my situation as I was then so I know I'm not depressed.

I just hate myself. And it's controlling me, I'm obsessed with it and it's all I think about. And it's so tiring. I don't know how to make it stop, and I just want to live my life and be happy, but I can't because I'm so fat and so grossly ugly.

anyone else feel this shit?

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 Thu 16-Feb-17 14:25:15

Actually I feel just like you. . And I have decided tonight is the night I am telling my dh. . I know he is blaming our lack of sex and affection on himself when it's actually my fault. . So my advice to you is confide in your dh - I have been trying to for ages but feeling ready to do it at last. . Good luck. . . I will be rooting for you. .

OrchidaceousRose Thu 16-Feb-17 14:27:49

Used to. Started getting a massage regularly and that has helped me more with depression that ADs ever did.

My point is , start doing something nice for yourself. If you start behaving as if you think you are worth something, soon enough you will believe that truth.

Sorry you feel so bad by the way.

BitchinBlack Thu 16-Feb-17 14:31:02

This is a horrible way to feel and the truth is that it simply doesn't matter how lovely someone else tells you that you are, if you aren't happy within yourself it is falling on deaf ears.
I'd like to offer some advice if I may.
Take a half hour every day for yourself. Do anything you want or simply do nothing. Ask your husband to allow you this time and take it every single day.
In my half hour I put my tan on or give myself a manicure and pedicure, I lie in the bath with candles lit and listen to panpipe music ( just my favourite relaxation 🎶).
As far as your diet, make time to plan delicious and nutritious food for yourself. Stop ✋ telling yourself that you are ugly and fat, if you use hateful language about yourself, there is no chance of a positive change.
Instead allow yourself to take control of your feelings and situation.
As soon as you are in control of your feelings a positive outcome is guaranteed smile
Also, make time for 15 minutes with your DH in bed every night. Just to talk or kiss and you will find that the spark will reignite. Your DH loves you for the woman that he fell in love with and now all you have to do is see what he sees and fall in love with you again. Take care and all the best xx biscuit

Fedupfeelingthisway Thu 16-Feb-17 14:32:07

Good luck telling your DH. I really hope that it helps you. My DH knows I hate myself. But I don't think he knows how much. I reckon I spend most of the waking day thinking about how much I hate the way I look.

I really know I'm the ugliest in my groups of friends. I hate going out. I hate that everywhere there are mirrors or reflections for me to see how grotesque I am.

I have nothing going for me. No nice features at all. Not one thing is attractive.

BadlyStuffedFoxes123 Thu 16-Feb-17 14:37:35

OP I can't see you (obvs) so I can't really comment on your appearance. But the fact that your husband and children clearly adore you says that you are not ugly at all. You are a beautiful person deserving of love and all good things. I hope maybe you can find the strength the tell your husband how you feel. I'm sure he would want to support you x

BarbarianMum Thu 16-Feb-17 14:38:34

Why does it matter so much? I'm ugly, also over weight. I have a very happy life (except when trying to get a nice outfit together). Is there nothing about yourself you like - personality, intelligence, common sense, compassion?

Fedupfeelingthisway Thu 16-Feb-17 14:46:40

Nothing. I'm not a very nice person either. I'm impatient, not particularly clever and not a very good mother either.

Stormtreader Thu 16-Feb-17 16:20:50

If we asked your DH what kind of person you are, what do you truthfully know he would say? Or your kids? Im sure they wouldnt give a list of only bad things.
Im not pretty, never have been, but I know that my friends wouldnt give that as the only thing they know about me :D

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