Pal nabbing..does this sound odd??(28 Posts)
Starting to feel like I'm back in the playground..or else I'm just getting paranoid in my old age ..but I'd love to know what you make of this..
One of the mums in our friendship group from dd1 primary school days, is quite a loud outgoing character..has always been 'friendly' but very much the me me me type iykwim. Bit of a social climber who likes to know everybody's business, very big on status.
Anyway, a couple of months ago I introduced her to a friend I have known a couple of years, having just moved into the area. This loud friend heard there was a few of us having an Xmas lunch, (different group of friends with one mutual friend) and invited herself along. She straight away latched onto this new friend of mine, asked lots of probing questions when she had left, and I thought no more about it.
Next thing I hear from the mutual friend about how she had seen pics of her posted online at her house, kids parties, nights out etc.
I was surprised, seeing as this all took place over the space of two weeks! But thought that's nice..they get on. What's been odd however, is that any time I have mentioned this in conversation..she changes the subject. Anyway, we had a group get together this morning, and I mentioned how I hadn't seen this other new friend in ages and would try and arrange something for the following week, perhaps she could come along too, seeing as they'd seemingly become quite friendly.
She again changed the subject, and just as I was leaving, lo and behold who turns up at the door..but this friend, looking more surprised than I was! I know it sounds childish, but for the first time it just felt a little odd. The secrecy, the avoidance, and the fact she seemed so interested in knowing everything about her. Is this what social climbers do?? Or is it just that being the selfish me me type, friends are claimed as her own, as she does not like anyone else pulling the strings on her social agenda? Am very confused by it..so thought I would ask what you think?!
Look it up, it a pretty common thing
i'm quite confused as to who you are referring to throughout your post. Who was new to the area? Is the new friend the one you had known a couple of years? Who posted pictures online? And of who? Which one was the "other" new friend you hadn't seen in a while? And where had you held the get together that your other friend (not even sure which one you were referring to) showed up at the end? Am I the only one who found this post difficult to follow?
Yep. You've been wendied. Sorry.
Classic Wendying I'm afraid. It's a real mind fuck.
Draw a line under it, concentrate on other friends but try to avoid the Alpha - you can't trust her
I'm sorry..on reading back yes it does seem complicated to follow!
The loud friend is the one who appears to have nabbed the new friend who moved into the area.
Loud friend likes having lots of people around her..I sometimes think of it as her appreciation club. She holds court and likes to talk about herself..a LOT! She has little interest in others as individuals, bit of a social butterfly. But she's part of the original group of friends, and I'm very much a go with the flow kind of person. She's the kind who invites people to her big house (because she likes to show off?) but then complains that it's always at her house..even though that's not true. I find her hard work tbh, but I'm a good listener
So it was her house we were at, when the new friend turned up. Prearranged. And no mention of it all when I mentioned only an hour before, that I hadn't seen her in ages, she seemed to be busy with work etc..and then she rocks up!
Having just looked up the term wendied, have to say I'm feeling a bit naive!
Yes you've been Wendied. It's horrid. I'm so sorry.
Oh god I hate this silly 'Wendy' thing.
Far too often it's trotted out without really thinking about it.
I've thought about it and imo, you sound a bit jealous OP and since you clearly don't like 'loud' woman anyway, you seem put out that your other friend does.
Perhaps that's exactly why she kept changing the conversation because she knows full well that you don't approve of her or anything about her personality?
I don't think you've been Wendied, at all. I think it's your jealousy
I genuinely am confused by this. I have introduced and met lots of people cross circle of friends, and have never ever encountered this.
Yes I find her personality a little over bearing, but I was originally genuinely pleased that her and my friend got on, and genuinely taken aback at her furtive reaction when I said quite cheerily and innocently, that I'd heard she and 'new friend' had been out a few times. As for being jealous? I'm a bit 'hurt' I guess..am bemused..but then I'm only human, it would be strange not to!
Bizarrely, when she saw my friends car pull up at the door, as a group of us were leaving, she explained briefly who she was..presumably for the benefit of everyone else, and literally slated her in one horribly derogatory sentence. Can't repeat it here but it certainly wasn't a friendly comment. Just made me even more wary, as I have seen her do this with other friends. One mutual friend by the way has commented on this fast formed friendship also, and at the time I just smiled and nodded in agreement.
What is being wendied? Quite new here sorry.
All that's happened here is a woman who you don't like, has formed a friendship with a woman you do like.
She doesn't owe you any information or explanation about when she'll be seeing her new friend again, and given how you feel about her, I can't see her wishing to volunteer her business to you anyway.
I think that's the difference between 'friendship groups' and 'groups of actual friends'.
The former generally involves spending time with people you're not over keen on, in order for the group to survive.
Good point Warriberty. I think you're spot on, that's very much the case. Some of the original group have already long distanced themselves from her, and I do still see them separately and have never had an issue with any of them, collectively or individually. And I have always made a point of never mentioning or talking about loud friend. It's just not something I would do. In fact some of our original class had so openly distanced themselves from her, I and the rest of the group felt sorry for her, and went out of our way to be inclusive! The rest of the group are some of the loveliest friends I have, and I am sure we would remain friends regardless. It's a tough one. Whether I have been wendied or not, it still doesn't feel nice. And it's not something I have come across before. I did often wonder why she seemed to have a high turnover of friends, and we have always been there to listen to the whats and whys on those. Perhaps other people's judgements have simply been better than mine.
I'm not familiar with the term either littlefrog, or the behaviour for that matter! But from what I've read, it's something along the lines of being befriended by somebody who infiltrates your other friendships and alienates you in some way. I've no idea if this is entirely correct, but hopefully it's the general gist!
I'd define it as introducing a relatively new friend to an existing friend and next thing you know they are best buddies, without you. Sometimes hard to say who is the perpetrator though.
This isn't a Wendy.
Being wendied is when someone new joins your existing group of friends and gradually turns them against you until the Wendy is in the group and you are not.
Oh and you are the one who has introduced the Wendy to your existing friendship group.
Your loud friend sounds as if she likes collecting friends...it's not about quantity though. You mention 'social climber' - any obvious reason she's taken a particular shine to your friend? A little inward eye rolling and a safe distance is called for!
Blimey Wendys turn whole groups against you?! Ok this doesn't sound like a Wendy situation then.
There's obviously something sneeky going on otherwise loud friend would have said oh you'll see her soon she's coming today etc.
I've had a similar situation I've had two seperate very good friends for a couple of years now we've had babies I introduced them and they have been on a day trip without inviting me recently. Whenever I arrange something with one of them, unless it's just a coffee at one of our houses (which I wouldn't have but been upset at them doing) I invite the other. We regularly meet up as a 3 or with our husbands and go on day trips and I was really upset whenever one of them told me their plans and didn't invite me.
It is childish and I'm trying to not let it upset me but I think whatever age you are it's human nature to be wanted and liked and you question that if you feel excluded from something or certain people. Try to focus on other good friendships maybe do extra stuff with other friends for a while. New friend will soon see why loud friend is avoided by some and will most likely keep things distant too.
Btw it's normal to have social friends and close friends and I don't think this is jealousy at all as you encouraged their friendship you just didn't expect there to be any secrecy or exclusions.
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