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AIBU?

Funeral

20 replies

redlittlesquirrel · 10/02/2017 13:14

My friend died in a road traffic accident at the end of January. I used to work with him until I left the company at the end of last year.

I found out yesterday through my DP (who still works there) that the funeral is on the 24th at 10:15 but no further details as he works in a different team and they were just told that some members of the team I used to be in would be out that morning to attend the funeral.

I haven't been told about the funeral aside from that and I checked with another friend who was close to him (who had also left the company, though that was in spring last year) and he hasn't heard any details either.

I've been extremely fortunate thus far that I haven't had many people I am close to die and everyone I know that has died has been either a family member or close friend so I'm not sure how funerals are normally viewed for people outside of family.

I would really like to attend the funeral to say goodbye to my friend but, obviously, don't want to upset the family or go against their wishes in any way - would it be unreasonable of me to attend the funeral if I haven't been 'invited' as such?

Sorry if I'm sounding dense but I really don't know how such things work as I've never really had to deal with them.

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LetsSplashMummy · 10/02/2017 13:17

You don't tend to need an invite to a funeral and the fact that some workmates are taking time off to go suggests it isn't a small family only affair. You should go, as should your mutual friend, normal to give a condolence card as well.

drivingmisspotty · 10/02/2017 13:19

If I was one of his family members, I would be so touched that you thought of him and went to the effort to attend the funeral. Generally among my family and friends, nobody would expect an invitation to a funeral, it is open to anyone who wants to say goodbye. Especially when it is a young person who has died, their funerals are usually well attended :(

But I'm not sure if there is a 'normal' view on this. I know some people prefer to just have close family. Or there might be restrictions on the venue. I would guess if current colleagues are going, it is a pretty open invitation. But why not call your old line manager or one of your old team and check if they know?

Fluffy40 · 10/02/2017 13:19

You should attend if you possibly can. Take care and sorry for your loss. 🌸

allowlsthinkalot · 10/02/2017 13:25

People don't get invited to funerals but it's generally open to anyone who wishes to honour that person and it's generally the case that family are touched if people choose to come. The exception is if they have announced "immediate family only". As his current colleagues are going, that isn't the case here and it would be appropriate and lovely for you to go.

NarkyMcDinkyChops · 10/02/2017 13:32

If other work people are going it can't be a family only etc type funeral, which are apparently common in the UK (?). I'd say your fine to go.

DJBaggySmalls · 10/02/2017 13:40

I've done this and the family were comforted to see their son had so many friends and colleagues who thought of him.
There may be an informal collection for his favourite charity, so take some cash just in case.

BackforGood · 10/02/2017 13:52

People don't get invited to funerals - anyone can go. You just turn up. Almost 100% of the time, the family are really appreciative that people have taken the trouble to attend. You won't upset people, you will give them great comfort.

Gwilt160981 · 10/02/2017 14:14

Nobody can stop you going to pay respects.

kissmethere · 10/02/2017 14:18

It's fine to go unless it's stated otherwise. Usually the message gets passed around and no invite.
Sorry for your loss.

shinynewusername · 10/02/2017 14:21

It will be fine to go - and probably much appreciated. However, if you want to be absolutely sure, ring the funeral director. They will know whether it's for close family only - though usually this only happens for famous/public figures who might get mobs of strangers turn up. It's very rare for friends & colleagues not to be welcome at a funeral.

When DF died, we were enormously touched by all his former colleagues who came to the funeral. It was lovely to share their memories of him.

endofthelinefinally · 10/02/2017 14:22

Do go.
It is comforting for the family to see that people care.
If you can, send a card with a short message explaining who you are and how you knew him.
It is so nice to have all the cards and letters to look through later.

Beeziekn33ze · 10/02/2017 14:28

As several posters have said, you don't need an invitation unless it's 'close family only'. In fact the family are usually touched to see how many friends of their LO make the effort to be there to say goodbye. You want to pay your respects to your ex-colleague so do go, I'm sure you'll be glad you did.

GrumpyOldBag · 10/02/2017 14:30

As others have said, people don't customarily 'invite' to funerals. It may have been published in the local paper.

I think if you want to go, you should, and it would be appreciated by the family of the deceased.

PebbleInTheMoonlight · 10/02/2017 14:35

Check notices in your local newspaper or online section. Normally the family announce funeral details along with preferences around private/open, bright colours, charity donations etc.

It's a handy way of finding out more specific information without upsetting those closest to the decreased.

redlittlesquirrel · 10/02/2017 20:55

Thanks all.

I know you don't normally get an invite per se but I wasn't sure if it would be okay to turn up when no one in his family has actually told me specifically when it is. If it wasn't for my DP, I wouldn't have known at all. It's not just for family if some of the people he worked with are going but I wasn't sure if there was an in between - so not just family but not open to just anyone (if that makes sense) - is that a thing or am I just overthinking?

When anyone dies in that way, it's always such a shock and the fact that he was only 26 is awful. I am devastated so I can't even imagine what they're going through and the last thing I want to do is upset them. It's such a horrible situation and they are going through enough. Equally, though, I think it would be lovely for them to see just how many people cared about him (but only if that's what they want).

I've had a look on the local paper's website and couldn't find any announcements but will try to find out. I need to find out more anyway as I'm not sure where it is.

Thank you for all your replies, apologies if I'm rambling/not making much sense - as I said, it's not something I've had to do much and I think I'm still getting used to the idea that he's gone. I met up with him for a coffee a couple of weeks before his death and I kept meaning to text him to arrange another meet up and never got round to it and I can't get my head around the fact that I will never get that chance again.

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endofthelinefinally · 10/02/2017 21:21

My son was 27 when he died.
I was so grateful and got so much comfort from all the people who came to his funeral.
There were around 300 people there and that sustains me in my grief.

bigbluebus · 10/02/2017 22:05

Unless it is specifically stated as 'private family funeral' then anyone can go. When my DD died people from different aspects of her life came and some people who had never met DD but who knew me and DH came too. We were pleased to have so many people come and pay their respects, share their memories and support our family.

Is it possible your DP can find out more funeral details from others at work?

BackforGood · 11/02/2017 00:43

but I wasn't sure if it would be okay to turn up when no one in his family has actually told me specifically when it is

When I have had to arrange the funeral of loved ones, I've been very grateful that other people tell other people, and so on. The last funeral I had to arrange had about 450 people turn up - I think I (or we as family) told about a dozen. That's how it works - when people hear the news they tell others so that people don't have to bother the family to find out the details.

SuperBeagle · 11/02/2017 00:49

Funerals are not invite events. Most of the time the family will tell close friends and family, and then the word spreads from there, ditto the details about the funeral. Rarely (never, in my experience) will a family give the details to everyone involved, because there's no way of knowing how far reaching the deceased's influence was. Word of mouth is far more reliable.

You are free to go to the funeral if you so choose, and I'm sure that the family will appreciate how many people were obviously touched by their relative's life, so much so that they turned up to pay their respects to him.

It's incredibly touching to see lots of people turn up to your loved one's funeral. It doesn't matter what their relationship with them was, just that they care enough to show they care.

redlittlesquirrel · 11/02/2017 21:51

My son was 27 when he died.
I was so grateful and got so much comfort from all the people who came to his funeral.
There were around 300 people there and that sustains me in my grief.

When my DD died people from different aspects of her life came and some people who had never met DD but who knew me and DH came too. We were pleased to have so many people come and pay their respects, share their memories and support our family.

Is it possible your DP can find out more funeral details from others at work?

I am sorry for you both for your loss, but so glad you found some comfort in your grief, endofthelinefinally and bigbluebus . Thank you both for sharing. I do want to go partly as a show of support for his family.

My DP has said he will try to find out some more details. Otherwise, our mutual friend knows someone who might know, so he is going to try to find out more details, as we both would like to go.

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