To be annoyed at exh over this mornings sick child situation?

[nigelforgotthepassword]

Some background. Our house (s) have been hit by cold and flu, D and V and various other illnesses since the second week of December. During that time I have had 7days off to look after either child (2 kids, 9 and 11), when they have been off school and a further two for me when I have been too sick to go in. Exh has taken 4 days working from home (paid), for child care reasons.
He gets paid a lot more than me and his job is more senior and secure, as I am on an agency contract currently.
Exh had our two children overnight last night and was due to drop them at school this morning before going to work.
He called me at 8.05 to say that dd1 was kicking off and could they both come back to my house and go to school from there as that might calm her down.
I agreed as I was still getting ready for work (had a big presentation to give at 11 but if I left at 8.30, the time the children leave for school from mine, that would still be fine).
Ex dropped the kids off on the doorstep, said hello and bye to me, and went off on his way to work.
DD1 came in and lay down. On investigation she was very hot and said she felt unwell. Dd2 said dd1 was up complaining of being hot in the night.
DD1 said she felt too unwell to go to school. I went to give her some Calpol.She said she couldn't have any as her dad had given her some already this morning.
I called ex to ask about the situation.He said he didn't know she was unwell, just thought she was having a stress and it would be easier for her to come to school from mine. I asked why, in that case, did you give her Calpol? He replied that he gave it for placebo effect.He said that dd1 was not up in the night so no idea why dd2 would say that.
He 'cant' come back to look after DD1 today because he has a lot on at work and has gone in on the train today as he is travelling somewhere else tonight from work, for work tomorrow.
I have therefore had to cancel my presentation (which was for something fairly
high profile) and take another day off.
Ex accused me of sounding annoyed on the phone, (I probably did a little bit and expressed a bit of doubt over him having no idea dd was sick), and although he said he could see why I might be annoyed by the situation, stated that he had no idea she was unwell and therefore it couldn't be helped.
AIBU to be slightly sceptical around him being unaware that she was ill, and annoyed at his handling of the whole situation? (Not to mention his apparent use of placebo calpol 😕 and the fact that I've now lost another day's pay and work are pissed off-which isn't ideal when you are hoping they will extend your agency contract).

[minisoksmakehardwork]

Yanbu. Sounds like ex knew dd1 was getting ill and conveniently pushed her on to you so he didn't have to take time off and look after her.

Unfortunately now you are wise to this trick he will have to take the dc to school on his mornings and you won't be taking them for him. If he drops them off ill, the school contacts him to collect.

I would also suggest you work out what the cut off is for either of you being responsible and that parent is called if a child falls sick in school. Neither can use the excuse that you are busy at work as it's justifiable for each of you and it will otherwise always fall to you to collect the children.

[Chloe84]

He is BU. But why did you allow him to bring the kids to you? It's his responsibility to manage the school drop off on his days.

Please don't let him trick you s again.

And of course you would found annoyed on the phone! I see why he is an ex. Twat badger.

[Chloe84]

*sound

[Ohdearducks]

YANBU he's dumped them on you sick so he's not had to take the day off work. Poor kids! And bloody annoying for you. What a dick.

[Scarydinosaurs]

Never let him drop them to you on his contact days- that would be so confusing for the children. What he has done is sly and horrid. He should have taken the day off to care for them. I'm sorry you had to cancel your presentation.

[Nocabbageinmyeye]

Yanbu, I'd be more than slightly sceptical. Does he know how many days you have taken? 10 days since the second week in December is very high and given it's agency work I assume there a very high chance you won't have your contract renewed, have you made that clear to him? That you could end up with no job? I'd be really pissed off if I was you

[BantyCustards]

YANBU at all. Unfortunately this is the attitude of many fathers.

I know if I went out to work I'd quickly lose my job because my ex would absolutely not have anything to do with helping in taking sick days as his contact is only at the weekends and as far as he is concerned he's only a parent during his contact time.

[NotStoppedAllDay]

At 11 could DD not be left at home while you just went in to do presentation?

[RacoonBandit]

YANBU.
He clearly knew DC were ill but palmed off his parental responsibility. What an arsehole.

[TheClacksAreDown]

He has done it deliberately, he thinks he has been very cunning but don't listen to his bollocks.

[GinIsIn]

Do people use calpol on secondary school aged children?

Your exH is an arse - even if your DD wasn't sick, why should it be down to you to deal with kicking off on his morning?

[MovingOnUpMovingOnOut]

Annoyed? I would be fucking apoplectic and with good cause.

He has taken the absolute piss out of you.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Placebo Calpol, indeed. Selfish arse that he is, he decided his diary today is more important than yours.
I'd have a very frank discussion with him.
Hope DD1 gets better soon.

[nigelforgotthepassword]

The presentation was an hours drive away and would have taken me til about 2 (as it was part of a larger tender bid meeting and I couldn't have left in the middle as there are questions etc afterward iyswim?)she would have been on her own for 5 hours by the time I got back which feels a bit long for her, though I guess some 11 year olds would be ok with it.She is only just 11, still year 6.

He is aware of how many days I've had off and that I am an agency worker so my job is not secure, yes. Though he says, rightly I suppose, that that isn't his problem. (I lost my permanent job last year for reasons relating to our separation-this post was me getting back into work following that.I am applying for jobs now as the contract ends in March but I am/was hoping they may extend my contract a bit).

[nigelforgotthepassword]

I know I shouldn't have said yes to them coming round as dd1 was stropping.But he called me to ask me if they could in front of them and I didn't have a reason to say no really at that point-plus I know he likes to be at work earlier so was trying to be accommodating,at what I thought at that point would be no loss to me kind of thing.Plus I'd rather dd go to school happy then having had a strop (she is very hormonal and has had a bit of a rubbish year all told).

[Rainbowqueeen]

Yes I'd be furious. I would also never ever ever let him bring the kids back to yours in the morning again. Don't let him fool you again

[Scarydinosaurs]

I missed she was 11!

What kind of idiot gives calpol as a placebo effect to an eleven year old WHO HE DOES NOT SUSPECT IS ILL???

The man is so stupid to think you'd believe this that clearly your separation is the best thing that could have happened to you.

[AliceInUnderpants]

YANBU. Was he this controlling when you were married?

I'd be fuming that he gave DD medication and hadn't told me.

[nigelforgotthepassword]

Ha! It's never occurred to me not to use calpol on her! I suppose you are right Fenella, she could now have regular paracetamol.Just habit really-plus at 9 I suppose it's better still to have it in for dd2.

[AntiGrinch]

the only positive about your manipulative, selfish, dishonest ex is that: NO WAY did he give calpol as a placebo. He gave it deliberately because he knew she was ill.

Charge him for the day's work. doesn't help the issues around your missed presentation but you can make up for that over time if you continue to ace your job.

[Miserylovescompany2]

He might start coming down with something now. Hope he took his Calpol along with him...

[nigelforgotthepassword]

Thanks all.
I think because this was always an issue when we were married I sometimes can't tell if I'm less forgiving of this sort of situation than I should be, now we are not.
Traditionally his career was prioritised because he earned more and his potential for greater earning was better.That caused me great difficulty at work as I didn't feel I could fully commit (and I need to to do my job properly-it's a more vocational role that I need to be there for), and issues at home as I was doing the majority of the work there too (whilst h worked long hours getting established etc).
It's always been the status quo rtly ot wrongly but ex doesn't seem to be taking on board that now we are not together and I am providing for myself and the girls (not withstanding his comparatively generous maintenance payment) that that is going to change. He isn't generally receptive to this kind of conversation so I will need to be more firm.

[NeverTwerkNaked]

Yanbu. Mine does the same. Wants the "overnight" (reduces his maintenance payments ) but it is definitely my problem if they are ill the next day.

[EustaceClarenceScrubb]

Well he has blotted his copy book now as you will not fall for that trick again! I would tell him that. I would also tell him that using Calpol as a placebo is totally out of order and that there needs to be communication between the two of you regarding medications administered.

Also, he says that how many days you have taken off is not his problem. By the same token the fact that he was on the train somewhere for work is not your problem. It does not stop him being a father and he needs to stop dumping it all on you when it suits him.