To think i need to get a bloody grip and take control of my life

[Suntrap]

Hi
I have namechanged but am a regular,just dont want to be identified in real life.
I have a long list of issues that are affecting me but instead of moaning and feeling miserable i need to take stock. Dont feel i can discuss all with anybone person in RL but i have told some people some bits. I need a good talking to.
Firstly,i hate my job. Its awful. Work load is unmanageable. People i work with are mostly vile and there is lots of low level bullying. I cant leave,well i could but im limited for travel reasons(see next issue after this).i trained for a long time to do the job and it pays well. I get very irritated by certain colleagues or situations and will voice this. However,not many peiple are the same as me and seem quite happy working in the environment. They seem mildly amused when i 'kick off'. Im trying desperately to not get involved with anything at work,cutting my hes and generally keeping myself to myself.
Second issue. I cant drive. Never had the need or the inclination. However,ive suddenly got to my mid 40's and realise i look a bit inadequate. Also i have realised how reliant i am on dp and i dont like this. Im very independent as a rule. Public transport to work is excellent so thats not a problem. However,ive started to catch sight of myself trudging along with bags of shopping and think i look pathetic. I cant take my four dc anywhere out of area,leaving it to do or negotiate with family of other parents making it look like they are part of some group im not part of. Discussing journeys and parking etc with no in ut from me as im a non driver i couldnt possibly understand. I attempted driving a short whike ago and i was spectacularly bad. It made me so anxious i stopped.
Next issue is im desperate for another baby. Something do agreed to approx 2yrs ago. However our sex life is crap at present. Very infrequent. Mainly due to work patterns etc. However i chart my cycle religiously but frequently miss fertile times due to hardly any sex. Do doesnt seem a bit bothèred that time is ticking away in the fertility stakes. This in turn,is making me resentful and not want sex which is a slippery slope and a silly game im playing. I discuss it frequently and he tells me i need to come to bed earlier(we have limited privacy due to a teen). He goes to bed ridiulously early. I could make an effort but i think why should i when he clearly doesnt care that im running out of time to have a baby. Hes a good bloke and we are happy but this is driving a wedge.
Finally,i think all these issues together are knocking my confidence. I feel although people think im a nice person and fun they also take the mickey a bit. Id like to be the type of person who is good at stuff and confident. However,i can see im starting to look like a bit of a scatty middle aged drip.
Thanks for reading

[Suntrap]

Excuse typos and lack of paragraphs. Have a new phone. Also do should read DP. Hope its readable.

[BestZebbie]

Well done for deciding to be proactive about things that are bothering you and take control of your own happiness!

You sound as if you already know what you need to do to get started on each of these goals, I can recommend breaking down each one into the things you'd need to do to get to it and setting dates by which you will try to achieve each of those steps to help it actually happen in a timely manner. (eg: apply for provisional driving licence, this week, book driving lessons and get put on car insurance, by end feb, start looking for other jobs to apply for, start in June, etc etc)

[chickenowner]

I think that learning to drive will

1. Make you feel more confident
   
2. Enable you to apply for a new job, if that's what you decide to do
   
3. Help you to be more independent both for yourself and your children
   

It won't magically solve all your problems but I think it will give you a huge boost. I have lots of qualifications, but passing my driving test felt like my greatest achievement!

[Huskylover1]

I realise you won't agree, but isn't mid 40's a bit late for having a baby? You already have 4 healthy (I presume) children, why now embark on what would be a high risk pregnancy? And working FT, with 4 kids, how on earth would you cope with a new baby too? Are you sure this isn't a way to get out of working, at the job you hate so much?

DH and I are mid 40's, and both "kids" are adults. So that may be affecting my advice re a baby.

Learn to drive. Try again. Perhaps your instructor wasn't very good lest time?

[Mistletoetastic]

Give yourself some credit, you work full time, have 4 DC's and a home to run. I have one DC and I am barely keeping my head above ground! I am definitely being described as scatty by my friends and family.

You sound very down on yourself, tackle one thing at a time, when was the last time that you went out and had some fun? Could you arrange a night out? Comedy night or something that will lift your spirits?

Re the driving, why not set your self a target to try again in the Summer? I remember being daunted by lessons at first, passed 2nd time. Booking lessons close together really helps with the learning curve.

[Suntrap]

Thanks everyone.
I dont work full time,only part. And im planning to reduce even further if i can afford it.
chickenowner i agree that the driving will make the biggest impact on my self esteem.
huskyi dont feel too old for a baby. I have two young dc and im very very fit,healthy active. Of course its a risk obstectrically but one im willing to take.

[Suntrap]

Mistletoe,
I do out and have fun with friends and also my dsis. I love going out and getting dressed up. Actually its one area that is ok. I dont go out often but thats mainly due to time.
I agree about setting a target re:driving. I did that last time. But i very quickly realised that this wasnt going to be a quick job.

[ImperialBlether]

I found I had really strong urges to get pregnant when I was in my mid 40s, then at 48 I went through the menopause. I realised that the urges were my hormones playing havoc. You have four healthy children and the risk you would take in having another child is absolutely enormous. It seems you are the only partner who is interested in another baby. You know that the chances are really high that a future baby would have serious health problems - why would you risk that?

Regarding driving, I agree it would be great if you could learn to drive - it would be useful and boost your confidence. Could you look for instructors who are good with nervous drivers and give it another go?

As far as work is concerned, maybe it's time to back off the irritation you feel and face the fact it's just a job, you're paid well, and just put your efforts into your work? Those irritating people will be there long after you leave and you can either waste some of your life getting annoyed or learn to just smile, grit your teeth and get on with your job.

[Aderyn2016]

Can I suggest that maybe you.learn to drive an automatic car rather than manual. I too hate driving and am having automatic lessons - it really is so much easier. You dont have to drive manual in order tosolve your travel/independence issues.

Keep your head down at work and once you have sorted the driving, you could focus on finding a nicer working environment.

I am not sure about the baby - you already have 4 dc and a relationship which isn't perfect. A baby might be too much to add into the mix, but obviously that is something only you can really decide. If it was me, I'd focus on fixing the other aspects of my life.

[Suntrap]

Aderyn
Im definitely going for automatic!!no way am i going to risk manual again. I need to drive i dont care how.
No my relationship isnt perfect but its pretty good and we have been together 20plus years.
The baby thing isnt a hormonal one as ive wanted one since the last dc was born. If i dont have one i will deeply regret it. I only have 3dc as one is a step dc who doeant live with us(adult).
imperiali know the risks associated as i work in healthcare and in that particular area actually. I also see lots of healthy babies born plus lots of complications that are not necesarily health related. So this would absolutely not be a reason to have a baby.

[Suntrap]

And yes,regarding work i need to grit my teeth and keep my head down.

[gleam]

I don't see your dp avoiding pregnancy. You think he doesn't care because he goes to bed early. Perhaps he thinks you're clearly not that bothered about another baby as you refuse to go to bed when he does.

Yes, I get that he could stay up later but, as you seem to be driving the pregnancy talk, why won't you go to bed earlier sometimes?
You can always get up again!

[Suntrap]

gleam so so true.