To expect DH to fancy me and show it?

[MardiGrasss]

We've been married a while and have young DC. I've known from the start that DH has quite a low libido and honestly it's always been a problem but lately it's much worse because we're both so tired. When we do have sex it is good but DH wants to do it rarely and only when circumstances are completely ok. He's comfortable, everything is 'sorted'. Ie never ever spontaneous more like 'I'll meet you upstairs shortly'. It makes me feel like it's a transaction and more like 'well physically I need sexual release every so often and it's this or masturbating'. It makes me feel really really undesired.

DH also never ever ever pays me compliments/makes me feel good about myself. I find him very attractive and tell him often. I honestly don't know when he last paid me a compliment. I don't think it's because his level of attraction has changed because he's never been complimentary.

This weekend we were a black tie type work event of his. We were sitting with a couple we're good friends. I heard the husband lean over to his wife and whisper really
Sweetly (and ever so slightly saucily) that she was by far the most beautiful woman in the room and kissed her. It was so intimate and lovely seeming. It made me feel really sad about my relationship.

I don't really know how to remedy this. It's putting me off sex to be honest because I don't feel attractive. I know deep down that DH deeply loves me and is attracted to me (I think) but it's hard to just be telling myself that. I do try and talk to DH about it and he listens. But as soon as we finish talking it's forgotten.

[PickAChew]

If wishes were fishes....

Yes, it would be nice if he could be waxing lyrical about how desirable he finds you, but, unfortunately for you, that's just not him.

Did you know about this mismatch before you married, or is a more recent development?

A warning note, however, I would be wary about the outward appearance of other people's relationships. Sometimes it really all is for show and the underlying truth is not something to be jealous of. Not saying this is the case with your friends, but you can't just assume that al is hunkydory because of a bit of a stage whisper.

[MilkTwoSugarsThanks]

DH also never ever ever pays me compliments/makes me feel good about myself.

It sounds like he's the kind of guy who doesn't do displays of affection, and this was the guy you married. Do you love him for who he is, or for some stylised version of him that only exists in your head? You can't change someone, you need to learn to accept how he is.

[MardiGrasss]

No I do agree and their marriage certainly isn't perfect. But they definitely do have that sort of intimate connection if you see what I mean. He thinks she's very gorgeous and special and shows it (but otherwise o do not envy their relationship at all).

It's good to hear that perspective on it. I don't really expect him to be waxing lyrical and I do really
Like that he's honest and straightforward. but I think he probably last paid me a compliment maybe three or four years ago (no exaggeration). Surely this isn't standard?

I've always known about the sex thing but it's been ok. The problem now is that I'm starting to not enjoy sex I suppose because i just don't feel great about myself in his eyes IYSWIM. Honestly I think I'm quite attractive so I do feel good about myself in a broader sense.

[pipsqueak25]

was going to ask similar to pick, public displays of affection sometimes are for show, or to shown a person is 'taken',to cover insecurities etc.

[pipsqueak25]

has he always been like this ? if so why do you feel things could change now, after all this time ? would counselling help ?

[MardiGrasss]

I guess it's more extreme recently because we are busier, tireder etc. And spend less and less time together. All about getting stuff done and not spending time together. So I suppose it feels like we need to make more effort with each other?