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to not buy my son a pair of shoes?

(29 Posts)
HecateAntaia Thu 26-Jan-17 08:36:01

Because he is adamant i am!

I don't think i am but this is one of those times when neutral views might help grin

My position
I give him £30 a week plus £100 a month.
I expect him to pay his own mobile phone (20) gym membership (20), college stuff - if there's a trip, any stationery, lunches if he doesnt want to take a sandwich from the dreaded freezer (chucks frozen sandwich bomb into thread 😂😂) i advise him to put something into savings each month. He also has hobbies and games and stuff. I maintain that he should buy his own clothes.

His position
it's not enough money and i should buy "things he needs" he feels his money is for "wants" and as his mum i should buy things he "needs" (he would also not want/understand a reduction in money, say removal of the £100 replaced by me buying stuff. So he'd expect it on top!!

My further position
knickers to that, pal!

Further information

He is 17.
He has autism.
He cannot at present have a job for reasons relating to his autism

I want him to start to understand the value of money and the hard life lesson that you cant spend all your money on shit because you have bills to pay and essentials to buy.

I feel like he wants me to take care ofeverything and then just chuck money at him

I worry sometimes that i am expecting too much of him. Maybe i should go back to taking care of everythong and just giving him a bit of cash.

But he's 17. If not now then when?

So basically i am (well, we are. Me and husband) going round in circles.

We're in a standoff with him going to college with a hole in his trainers and me saying buy some then and him saying you're supposed to buy things i need and me saying that's why i give you money and him saying that's for things i want and me saying go to your ruddy room! 😁

I need a solution and i can't think of one.

SingingInTheRainstorm Thu 26-Jan-17 08:43:37

How bad is his autism?

In his mind and possibly at college, other kids still get things like essentials bought for them.

Buy him the shoes on this occasion as it's a desperate need. But in the future tell him he should be saving for such things, as one day he'll have to look after himself.

Why don't you give him £80 a month & put £20 away for him?

Treaclespongeandcustard Thu 26-Jan-17 08:46:42

I think you're already being generous OP. I think he should be able to budget to buy his own shoes. £220 a month sounds like a lot of disposable income for a 17 year old. Maybe you could show him some shoes online that wouldn't break his budget. Hugs OP, teenagers are hard work!

Spikeyball Thu 26-Jan-17 08:47:03

Have you gone through a budget with him looking at what he wants or needs to buy and how much he will need to spend on them?

Waggamamma Thu 26-Jan-17 08:47:43

Perhaps if you sit down with him and help him budget and plan his money?

I think you give him plenty to get by on. I work in A middle income job, after all bills, food household expenses I have £100 per month left for extras. So toiletries clothes, socialising etc. It's certainly doable, but on months where I need a haircut or shoes it can be tight and requires a good amount of planning. Perhaps a bit of support with this would help? Or offer to keep money back from him allowance to save for his big purchases, like shoes.

At 17 he needs a degree of independence.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks Thu 26-Jan-17 08:50:22

At college, and unable to get a job I would say if they are his only shoes I'd get them. If he has several other pairs he could wear but doesn't want to them nope, he can get his own.

<get splinters in arse from fence>

Spring2016 Thu 26-Jan-17 08:50:39

He has a hole in his shoe, I would buy him a new pair.

GloGirl Thu 26-Jan-17 08:52:10

Sit down with him and help him work out a budget so you can work out if he's getting a fair 'income'

I think it sounds like what you give him won't cover everything and if he can't work due to his autism you'll have to make better comprises together.

So sit down and work out spends on
Gym
Lunch
Phone

Every week. Then go though rough expectations of costs per month or year for stationery, trips, socialising, presents, school books, games and work it out into a month cost.

Then review how much he gets a month and see what's left to spend on clothes, shoes and savings.

Do all this with him.

I think more things should be provided for him, work out how he can do a nicer home packed lunch that he would enjoy. Pay for more basic clothes and shoes.

I think for someone unable to work, food clothes and costs for school should be covered by parents and I think that giving him enough so that he can socialise and go to gym etc should also be an option for him.

You'll have to sit down and work out what is fair together.

JanuaryMoods Thu 26-Jan-17 08:52:32

Buy him a new pair and don't give him any money until they are paid for.

GloGirl Thu 26-Jan-17 08:53:27

I wonder if you can agree to give him more basic items but reduce his monthly income till he gets the hang of it?

user1483945709 Thu 26-Jan-17 08:57:47

He needs some help budgeting and planning.

Maybe give him a loan to buy new trainers, which he can pay back, at agreed rate, from the money you already give?

RhiWrites Thu 26-Jan-17 09:01:57

Explain that your money isn't just given to you. It comes from employment or benefits (via your national insurance contributions)

Cakescakescakes Thu 26-Jan-17 09:04:01

I would buy him some shoes. He's only 17. (I have a DS with autism too)

Spring2016 Thu 26-Jan-17 09:04:47

Could you work out a budget together? www.google.ca/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=http://www.moneyandstuff.info/pdfs/samplebudgetforteens.pdf&ved=0ahUKEwivrq3iud_RAhVI54MKHeCUCZ8QFggmMAA&usg=AFQjCNGuakjInZ8eTJuix66Mn0whEwNmCA

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Thu 26-Jan-17 09:06:49

I think he needs some help with budgeting and saving, but meantime I would buy him the shoes. You know yourself, getting into a head to head with a person with autism never works (and I say that with love and the hope that one day you'll say the same thing to me when I'm getting into one with my DS!).

Buy the shoes and reset. Do you give him the £100 in a one-r? I think maybe breaking it down so he gets £50 a week (200pm) and you put away a fiver a week on his behalf (20 pm) so he's got some reserves for big expenses might be an idea? You kind of need to prove it works.

And remember, he'll be with people at college who say 'my mum buys me everything' and he'll believe them.

flowers

abigfuckinghohoho Thu 26-Jan-17 09:08:19

Do you still get child benefit/tax credits or dla for him? My brother who is also 17 and autistic gets dla my mum budgets that for him through the month and puts dribs and drabs into his account as he cannot budget could that be a way to manage his money?

Snifftest Thu 26-Jan-17 09:08:43

Yanbu. £220 is a lot of disposable income.

user1483945709 Thu 26-Jan-17 09:10:10

That's a point has he applied for PIP allowance?

abigfuckinghohoho Thu 26-Jan-17 09:11:02

Oh yeah it's not dla anymore it's PIP because of age keep forgetting blush

user1483945709 Thu 26-Jan-17 09:13:23

Abig a good point nonetheless!

welshweasel Thu 26-Jan-17 09:16:20

We made our teens write a budget themselves and then ask us for how much they needed per month (obviously we had input as to how much they got). We provide school uniform/food for lunches/school trips. Big items such as coats tend to get included in Christmas and birthday gifts. They buy everything else. It's worked brilliantly because we won't bail them out. One of them had to miss a friends birthday meal as they'd spent all their money on subway/dominos. Hasn't happened since. I do think that one pair of useable shoes counts as essential though, not expensive ones but you'd presumably provide school shoes so I'd view this similarly.

LIZS Thu 26-Jan-17 09:16:54

Buy him some and deduct from allowance. Make him a list of what the allowance covers and roughly what you normally expect to spend on his clothes , shoes etc a year. The problem is would he wear the new ones?

BakeOffBiscuits Thu 26-Jan-17 09:24:14

IT depends!

How much does he NEED a week?

If, after what he needs, he has a lot left over, then he can buy his own shoes. If he needs 200 a month, then you should buy the shoes.

We gave our dds about 30 a week, which paid for lunches, stationary, cosmetics etc but we paid for a travel card, phone, and clothes.

HecateAntaia Thu 26-Jan-17 09:30:38

Hi thanks for all the replies and good ideas. Going back to the budget and starting again is what i hear you saying and yes that's where I'll start. I go through him where his money is going but after reading your replies yes i see i could do better.

He has significant needs yes. He had full time 1:1 throughout school and he has someone now at college too but he refuses to have them next to him! He wants stealth support basically 😁 It's been hard but they're managing.

He does get child benefit and pip. Much of his pip goes on support outside of and unrelated to college. When they stopped the aiming high funding and he got turned down for direct payments his pip pays for a support worker and group activities. Plus breakages. And there's a holiday fund because we need special accomodation. Plus lots of other things, therapies, sensory stuff, etc. He also has erbs palsy so it pays for bits of kit there too.

amusedbush Thu 26-Jan-17 09:30:49

How severe is his autism? I volunteer on a programme that helps autistic young adults find employment via work placements and application support and it's pretty successful. I've seen people who are fairly high on the spectrum go on to employment.

You're giving him plenty and he should be able to budget out of that.

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