AIBU to be really quite scared of having two children?

[Autumnsunshinebaby]

I am pregnant with my second and the closer my due date comes, the more scared I feel. My first child is very tiring (nearly 4), I have physical disabilities and no family close enough to help out. My husband works a lot. I keep thinking what was I thinking and I am finding it hard to think about how I will cope. I'm not depressed, just anxious about how I am going to manage.

[GrannyGoggles]

It will be tough at times, but you will manage. Be kind to yourself, talk to your husband and plan how you can share what needs to be done. Try to work out what's troubling you - the actual having of the baby or the reality of managing 2 children. If family can't help physically because of distance is there anyone who can be in touch calling or on line? I think most women are at the WTF was I thinking at this stage of pregnancy, first, second or 15th. My DD had her 2nd 8 weeks ago, DDiL due any day; it's a scarey but exciting time. Ask for and accept help and trust that you can do it.

[Autumnsunshinebaby]

Thank you for the reassurance that lots of people feel like this at th stage. I am worried about the actual managing of two children and their needs on minimal sleep. I can't just power on through as I get ill physically quite quickly due to my health problems.

[Sillymummy81]

No advice, but wanted to say you are not alone. Pregnant with my second and am incredibly anxious about how i will physically cope with a newborn and a toddler who never stops. Family are also not close and husband works away a lot. I'm terrified of falling into pnd again and honestly don't know how I'll cope. I just keep repeating to myself millions of women do it, and do it again and again. Yes it will be hard, but as with the first (I'm hoping) it WILL get easier. Just wanted to offer a hand hold that I understand how you're feeling and that you will find a way that works for you I'm sure.

[Autumnsunshinebaby]

Thanks very much. I'm sorry you are also feeling like this. Perhaps the reality will not be as bad as we fear!

[CatsRidingRollercoasters]

Didn't want to read and run. It won't be a picnic but you will be ok! I have 2 under 3 with a 23 month gap. I don't have physical disabilities but I'm in a similar position in terms of not having family living locally (they're all lovely but hundreds of miles away).

I don't 'do' as much with dc2 as I did with dc1, but they're both thriving. With dc1 I planned days out almost every day and all manner of enriching activities. Second time around I'm sorry to say that I've relied on cbeebies a lot more, and we're at home more. It's fine though. The DC are happy, well cared for and loved to bits. They're just as happy to spend a day building duplo and rolling around the floor as they are stampeding at the museum! We have lovely chats and dc2 is learning so much from dc1. Although they're at quite different stages and have moments of rivalry (sharing issues), they adore each other and play together really beautifully. I actually get to finish cups of tea WHILE THEY'RE STILL HOT while they play!!

I have lowered my housework standards. It's clean enough. Essentials are always done. If I cared more/earned more I'd get a cleaner, but I don't.

Does your eldest go to preschool? While they're there you can have precious relaxing time with your baby.

Do you have some good friends locally? I recently joined a Whatsapp group of mums of more than one. A lady who I'm now good friends with posted on the local facebook pages that she would soon have 2 small ones and did anyone in a similar position want to meet up? It's great - it turns out there were loads of us! We now meet quite often.

I'm much more confident than when dc1 was born and I have honestly found it easier second time round. Good luck!

[Noodledoodledoo]

I felt exactly the same - 2nd arrived in August last year. Its tough, its relentless but you cope.

2nd time round I have found I am far more chilled about stuff - I don't have the time/energy to sweat the small stuff this time round.

2nd has had to fall into whatever we have to do for first - he is rolling with it!!

Logistics are a nightmare and take planning ahead but it soon becomes the norm.

[Autumnsunshinebaby]

Thanks both. It helps to hear your experiences. My oldest is in preschool. I won't be able to make it to meet ups with other mums in the area or baby groups due to my physical limitations. I suppose the isolation is what I'm worried about too.

[BackforGood]

Talk to the HV about your concerns. They will know what support is available in your area, and will make a note to keep a closer eye on you. or ask staff from the CC to support you.

[user1469751309]

Hi Op! I am a fellow disabled mum in a wheelchair with two LO I was also nervous about baby number 2 and I struggled with the first second was a big suprise for us and yes it's knackering but i would do it all over again. You might find your oldest loves helping mummy out by cuddles ect and as the 4yr old gets older they will gradually get more independent.

Congrats lovely and it's nice to see other disabled mums around. My family are around but are not the helpful sort but you will find ways to adapt as you obviously have all ready and it's still ok to have the odd fuck it day where it's pjs and Disney films whilst you gain some energy back!

[paddypants13]

I was in a similar position to you when ds arrived but without the health issues you already have. It was fine, hard but fine.

Like pp said I didn't do as much when ds was born and I had to let things like housework slide. My dd was 2.5 when ds was born and I made a huge fuss about how important she was as a big sister. She loved to help so could fetch small items for me, helped me bath ds and other bits and bobs. She got loads of praise and rewards for doing this and is now (at almost 4) is very helpful and independent.

[Autumnsunshinebaby]

Thanks. I will talk to the hv when I meet them but in experience they have always been a bit like an chocolate teapot.

[Scholes34]

I remember at the start of the o level cookery course when we were 14 we could manage to make one sponge cake in a double lesson. By the time we took the practical exam at the end of the fifth year, I could manage a whisked sponge fruit flan with an arrowroot glaze, flakey pastry sausage rolls and a quiche in the same amount of time. Having a second baby is a bit like that - you just manage and do it in your own way, probably taking a few short cuts along the way (but we always made our own pastry in the cookery classes).

[Autumnsunshinebaby]

I might just print out that absolutely brilliant analogy! Thank you!

[puglife15]

I think it depends on your baby tbh. If we'd had two like our first it would've been a lot easier. Our 2nd is much more high needs, has had health issues and is a truly dreadful sleeper. My whole life is the kids - there's literally no time for anything else at the moment. I spend on average 22 hours a day with at least one of them.

I'm not going to lie, it's been incredibly hard and the first year has nearly broken me.

My advice: line up as much support as possible now from wherever you can get it, throw money at the problem if you need to. We are currently operating on a net loss to have luxuries like a cleaner and babysitter helping but figure this is the time we'll need it most. The sleep deprivation and lack of me time has been a killer. The only thing getting me through is knowing it won't last forever.

I must stress my situation is unusual and lots of people have an easier time second time around. We are certainly less anal and more relaxed about general baby stuff, and standards are considerably lower!

Fingers crossed you'll have an easy second baby!