AIBU to be pissed of with my friend putting her boyfriend first all the time

[Sophiedockertyx]

Feeling slightly peed of today as me and my friend planned to go to newcastle for my 21st. i havent been out since last year February i was in a toxic relationship then i went on to have my little boy so have been wrapped up in all that.
She has now said she is going to be skint because she has to pay her boyfriends car insurance deposit £700!! because he was a banned driver he got drunk and crashed his car and now shes paying for his consequences.
Shes also gone and got a Mercedes on finance because thats the car he wants so she has the deposit on that too to pay.
im just sick to death of it to be honest when we meet up she will text him the whole time and it just ruins the mood because there usually arguing back and fourth. They play stupid little mind games to piss eachother!
Other than that we are really good friends she drove two hours to be at my sons birth and stayed the whole time i was being induced in hospital with me.
Ive said i can pay for the hotel and all she will need is drinks money but shes coming up with excuses suggesting we go out in leeds where she lives i use to live there but have since moved.
Does anyone else have friends like this or is it just me?

[user1474439326]

Nah we've all got one - so annoying but I just don't say anything as it doesn't change anything 🙄🙄

[Sophiedockertyx]

God it does my bloody head in shes booking there holiday to vegas aswell this month for next year but cant do something with me.
Think i need new friends

[TaliZorahVasNormandy]

Go with new friends. He sounds like a cocklodger if shes buying all his things.

[haveacupoftea]

He sounds like a bellend, but that aside, it is important to remember that partners do take priority over friends much of the time - this change in dynamics causes a lot of friendships to fail when those involved are young.

I'm sure it is a shock to the system when your friend has been very devoted to you, but it is her choice what to spend her money on, and whether to go out or not.

Having said that, I do think it would be good for you to make new friends as well. It's not good to rely on one person too much.

[19lottie82]

I'm going to look at it from her point of view........ you say you haven't been out in ages because of a toxic relationship and having a baby, so maybe she sees it as you haven't been putting her first for a while so it's ok to do the same? Maybe her BF needs the car to get to work so they can pay bills?

I'm not saying you're in the wrong, just trying to look at it from another perspective.

[Sophiedockertyx]

Well I've travelled up to her through the majority of my pregnancy so I should hope that's not the case. Her boyfriend works 10 minutes from there house he's been getting to work fine without a flash car. They both live at her mums house so there outgoings are low. She is just very loved up with him and that's just how it is! Its always just been me and her so I'm going to have start making new friends now god knows how.

[BBCNewsRave]

Havea it is important to remember that partners do take priority over friends much of the time

Is this ok? What about people with no partner - is it ok for them to be always marginalised? Isn't this what puts pressure on people to always be in a relationship, and what causes loneliness when partners leave or die?
And did no-one else learn "mates before dates" as a teenager? Because partners can turn out to be abusive, or die, or whatever... argh.

Sorry, not trying to derail, but this has hit a nerve. Especially when to my astonishment and deep sadness I find myself squeezed out because I'm not coupled up, by people who I thought were on the same page.

[RortyCrankle]

haveacupoftea
it is important to remember that partners do take priority over friends much of the time

Really?? I think that's bullshit but know it happens. My one time best friend - shared a flat in London, travelled round Europe, she eventually married a man in Germany and stayed there until six months later she called me from the airport to pick her up. She had run away, looked like a skeleton, he had beaten her, kicked her stomach and she lost her baby, I took 2 weeks off work, nursed her back to health, she stayed with me until well enough to find work and a place of her own. Some time later, meets a man - drops contact with me down to virtually zero. The last time I ever saw or spoke to her was when they held a dinner party and she complained what a chore it was to find a spare man to invite to dinner - couldn't have a single best friend at a dinner party on her own.

I have never, nor would I ever prioritise a boyfriend over my good friends and think badly of those who do so.

[TasLondon]

Hopefully she will get over this initial lovefest when the hormones have sorted themselves out. She should definitely watch a bit of Judge Judy, and maybe learn from the mistakes of others.

Time to find some new activities, new friends, and be there for her when things inevitably crash and burn.

[Soubriquet]

I used to have a friend like this

When he was single you couldn't get rid of him.

In a relationship, you couldn't see him. He would cancel everything and refuse to help anyone.

When they split up, all of a sudden his friends are good enough again

Not anymore

[Atenco]

Another one disagreeing with Havea.

You obviously haven't been reading mumsnet's relationships board much. It is full of isolated women with abusive partners, who don't know where to turn. Our social network is vital for our sanity and safety.

[MimiSunshine]

I think have has been misunderstood. I don't think she (am assuming she) meant the friends behaviour is right but just pointing out that long term partners / boyfriends/ husbands do usually become a higher priority over friends, that's not to say friends become obsolete.

My boyfriend is absolutely the person I prioritise the most (after my baby) but I try to maintain a balance and keep my friends a priority too.

Where as it seems OPs friend isn't trying to maintain any balance from the OPs perspective, however from the friends I'm sure she'd disagree as she's saying she can't afford Newcastle but can afford Leeds etc

[dollydaydream114]

You mention that you were in a toxic relationship.

Now your friend is in one, by the sound of it.

Maybe you could be a bit more understanding towards her. Your toxic relationship would almost certainly have had some impact on the way you were with your friends even if you didn't realise it at the time. I think perhaps you need to be a bit more supportive towards her, as it sounds like she's in a relationship that isn't very nice.

She didn't ditch you when you were 'wrapped up' in your toxic relationship and she was even there for you when you were giving birth! She's obviously done a lot for you, so I think you need to cut her some slack, really. You're making this all about you ... when in fact you should actually be worried about your friend who is clearly in a relationship that isn't very pleasant. You're talking about the impact her relationship is having on you - shouldn't you be more concerned about the impact it's having on her? If you've had a toxic relationship yourself you'll know how easy it is to be isolated and you'll know how much she will need her friends when it goes pear-shaped (which it will) so be prepared to do for her what she did for you.

You're adults, not school kids. There are times throughout people's lives when they will be more available and times when they will be less available. Those times can't always fit around the times when you happen to be the available one. Real life is messy and complicated and real friendships can wax and wane.

[ChocoChou]

Go out in leeds! There are some great new bars there now, it's really coming on!
(Misses the point of the thread)

[DesignedForLife]

I agree with dolly, it sounds like she's in a bad relationship. I think there isn't much you can do except wait for it to blow over and be there for her when it does.

[QueenofallIsee]

I think you are being a bit harsh and maybe need to think about how YOU were during your time in a relationship that was not healthy? She was there for you then, she was with you when you delivered your son and now its her turn to be supported.

Go out in Leeds, meet her halfway ffs

[mumofthemonsters808]

It's probably for the best if you don't go because the odds are she will spend all weekend pining for him, with her face down to the ground and her eyes glued to her phone whist she sends and receives silly messages from him. Then you would be mega pissed off, you'd be in a vibrant city all ready to party but if she behaves like this anyway, I doubt she could just enjoy your company and have some fun.

[sophiedockertyx]

She's not in a toxic relationship though she's just being taken for a fool. She's loved up and thinks the world of him she is constantly telling me how much he loves her after she's brought him everything.

My relationship was different I was being cheated on thrown out the house every night walking to the train station with my bags and my dog at 10 at night. Then he would come and pick me up at the train station and beg me to come home and that he won't do it again. He was a miserable shite whenever I went out but I still went out clubbing with her.

[BillSykesDog]

You just outed yourself OP. Reported for you.

[BillSykesDog]

It might not be as bad, but it's still a toxic relationship. Certainly sounds like she's being financially abused. I imagine when you were in your relationship she often had to bite her tongue too.