To be loosing patience with my partner.

[user1481490957]

Warning, very long winded but needed to vent some frustration


So im 21 weeks pregnant with our first child. Im 20 and dp is 23. The pregnancy was a surprise and it took us a while to adjust, dp was very unsuportive of my emotions and mood swings saying that it was just pregnancy and that i take the fucking piss when it comes to moods and im worse than anyone hes ever known bearing in mind i had just come off anti depressants a few weeks prior to finding out we were expecting.He also called me names like narcissistic.

We were quite on and off for a few weeks. I work full time and he only works 20/24hrs a week, I spoke to him how important it was for him to get a fulltime job with baby on the way, he didnt activly look and when id bring it up he would get defensive and say i was being over bearing then go cold with me.

I decided to move back home with my mother as to give us space as things were getting really bad. He would go thru phases of wanting me then not wanting me, showed little interest towards the baby. Anyway a few weeks later he decided me and the babyb is what he wanted he was gonna stop smoking weed, start making an effort for me and baby, make effort to find job etc so i gave him another chance and for weeks things have been better i thought he would grow up abit

but here we are weeks later hes still not activly looking for a job, hes spent about £10 towards the baby so far still spends money on junk eg xbox games, cigarettes complains if work ask him to do extra hours, complains if he has to work more than 4 hours a shift and will leave after working 2 hours if they allow it meaning he gets paid less than 20 hours a week whilst im still working long hours, he always acts worse off.

Hes still smoking in the house even tho ive asked him to stop as dont want baby stuff around smoke! He promised not to let me down and come see me on our anniversary night and let me down last minute yet he thinks simply saying sorry cuts it and all should be forgiven. When I message him how im feeling he just reads and igmores me for the rest of the day. If we chat in person he will either get defensive and walk off or tell me what i want to hear but not follow thru.He wants me to move back in but i really dont think its a good idea for the time being. Am i being unreasonably naggy? Will he ever bloody grow up? Im starting to loose my patience now.

[Chelazla]

Don't move back in, you've done the brave thing to move out. You've got one baby coming, you don't need 2!

[Gallavich]

I think you should have lost patience a long while back and that you should get used to the idea that you are a single parent tbh

[Thattimeofyearagain]

No he won't. Cut your losses now.

[Blossomdeary]

He really does not sound like father material. You will be better off without him and so will your child. I hope you will have better luck next time and pick a good'un.

[icy121]

get rid. Useless now, he'll be worse when the baby arrives -funnily enough it gets harder once there is a little one in tow! Stay with your mum and build your own life. Any man who regularly smokes weed is a deadbeat and a fucking loser IMO.

[clumsyduck]

Stay with your mum
You will be fine as a single mum , I did it and built a life for me and my son much better and far far far easier than been in a relationship that's is shit

[DJBaggySmalls]

He's unsupportive and doesn't want any responsibility. Accept thats the way he is and cut your losses now.

[statetrooperstacey]

No, stand firm. You have made a good decision. He might still come good, it's not looking hopeful though is it. But when he sees the baby and it's real he might be shocked into action, some of them are, it would be lovely if he is one of them but I wouldn't count on it. And no you are certainly aren't being naggy , your expectations regarding his behaviour are completely reasonable. Good luck with baby you will be fine without him.

[user1481490957]

When hes good hes lovely but it never lasts very long. I do love him which makes it more frustrating and I dont want my child growing up thinking I never gave it a good go to have a family unit. I know it all sounds very cliche. Deep down I just wanted him to prove me wrong and be a great dad.

[SquinkiesRule]

He's shown you he's a lazy pot smoking ass, believe him, he's shown you this more than once, nothing will change, he won't magically grow up once he sees the baby.
Stay at your Mums and give your baby the stable upbringing they deserve.

[dollydaydream114]

When hes good hes lovely but it never lasts very long

Then that is absolutely not good enough.

You have tried your best to set up a family unit. Your boyfriend is still behaving like an irresponsible child. I'm sorry, but I honestly think that you need to cut your losses here. Of course your child can still grow up to have a great relationship with his or her dad - but that doesn't mean that you have to put up with this crap. If he can't be bothered not to smoke in the house or a look for a full-time job now, he is not going to change when the baby arrives.

I realise that you love him, but I'm really not sure what's loveable about this guy. Literally nothing you've said about him points towards him giving a shit about you or the baby, and some of what he's said to you seems like gaslighting to me (ie calling you narcissistic and accusing you of having mood swings when you try to address any issues).

You've given him many chances and he hasn't taken them. He isn't going to change.

[TheNaze73]

He doesn't want to change

[Deadsouls]

No he won't change. Leave him you'll be better off without a dead weight in your life. You'll just end up with 2 children to look after. TBH he sounds like an arse.

[KnittedBlanketHoles]

You will just end up frustrated if you keep hoping for him to grow up.

[user1481490957]

What makes it even worse is that he complains how unsettled his childhood was as his dad was a deadbeat... surely this should push him more to want different for his child and not the same

[cocopopsrock]

He won't change, he's not ready. Stay with your mum. You can't afford to be messed around like this with a newborn. When he is ready you can reassess the situation. Good luck OP, I hope it works out for you xx

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"When hes good hes lovely but it never lasts very long."
Of course it doesn't. Nobody can maintain an act for long. Then their real self breaks through, and he is visibly the arsehole he always was.

Stop wasting your energy on him, you need it for yourself and your child.

There's a phrase I've seen on MN many times. "When someone tells you who they are - believe them." He is telling you loud and clear who he is. A workshy waster.

[Newbrummie]

I wouldn't put him on the birth certificate, he'll be nothing but trouble

[user1481490957]

That phrase is so good, so relivant. Thank you all for your support.

[Changednamesorry]

Get rid dear. Honestly. I was a single mum for nearly 5 years and it was really and truly 100% better than being in a relationship with a man who really did not want o be a father. I was happy as a single mum.....and then I met my partner....and I'm happy with him and all. If your situation isn't happy then it wants changing and you can do it. You don't need this fool.

[MilkTwoSugarsThanks]

...I dont want my child growing up thinking I never gave it a good go to have a family unit.

Why do women always feel they have to give 110% while the guy reckons he's done enough with 40%? And then we blame ourselves for not "trying hard enough". You've already given your 110%, he's the one who hasn't given a good go to have family unit.

[statetrooperstacey]

.
What milk 2sugars said. Don't fall into this trap.

[Stoneagemum]

He doesn't really want you to move back in, he wants you to subsidise his bills. He must be finding it hard now running a flat on only 20hours a week.

Run for the hills, you have a safe place to live with your mum and a full time job. Your life will be so much better with only 1child to support.