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IABU. Someone hand me a grip!

(25 Posts)
OhhBetty Sun 20-Nov-16 09:12:41

Background, I'm 26, have an almost 2 year old son. His dad cheated when I was pregnant, 3 weeks after the birth and again in August this year then I eventually kicked him out. I would have loved more children but because of when the cheating happened I don't think I could ever trust someone whilst I was pregnant so feel it is no longer an option. Although the last few months haven't been great I have not broken and I am slowly coming out the other side.

Almost all of my friends are having second babies now. I am very happy for them and help out where I can etc but a couple of things are grating on me. They all seem to think meeting another man will solve all my problems. Comments such as "oh when you meet someone who treats you properly like my dh you will just be swept off your feet". Also, regarding the second babies "I now feel like my family is complete", "I can't imagine having an only child, it just doesn't seem fair to them" and "oh it's such a shame you don't have a family any more". The last one really upset me as I still see ds and I as a family in our own right or is this not the case?

I just want you to hand me a grip as I'm sure they don't mean it in a hurtful way at all but I can't help feeling hurt by it iyswim? I think I just need to learn to stop taking things personally!!

Thanks if you got this far!

Losgunna Sun 20-Nov-16 09:16:38

Regarding the finding a bloke comments, you will find one when/if you are ready! You absolutely don't need one to be happy.

The second child thing would seriously piss me off. I am an only child and so is DS. He will more than likely stay that way unless we end up with an unplanned pregnancy. My family both as a child and now is complete!

Sorry op I'm not going to hand you a grip I don't think yabu at all!

Disabrie22 Sun 20-Nov-16 09:18:35

I don't think you need a grip - you have been through a lot and are getting through the other end - don't be hard on yourself - and you are still young - so many good things are waiting for you xxxxxxx

OhhBetty Sun 20-Nov-16 09:20:19

Thanks, I agree I will find one one day but really it is the last thing on my mind!

I have pointed out many people choose to have one child and it doesn't make their family any less valid. One has a boy and a girl and descibes their family as a "perfect family". I just don't know if I'm being over sensitive due to my situation!

ollieplimsoles Sun 20-Nov-16 09:21:36

Tbh I think you need some new friends...

StealthPolarBear Sun 20-Nov-16 09:22:31

Of course you're a family. And I'd say exactly that to any more of these comments.
And IF you want to meet someone and have another child you have loads of time. At least another decade.

junebirthdaygirl Sun 20-Nov-16 09:22:45

Some of those comments are very hurtful. No wonder you are upset. You and your ds are a family. I'm a teacher and in school we would completely look on you both as a family, no question. Your are very young so try not to make any decisions for long term now. Have you had any counselling as what you have gone through is very traumatic. I have a friend whose dd had a baby and is on her own. When her ds was 3 she mentioned to me that she was giving away the toys he had grown out of and his baby stuff. I said oh would you not put them in the attic. She said l am never ever having another child. Roll on a few years and now she is in a very steady relationship.
So you are right to be upset. Your friends are insensitive. But don't decide your future yet. Enjoy your family and take each day as it comes. For that friend who said it's a pity you are not a family l would have to say " do you mean to be so hurtful? "

DelphiniumBlue Sun 20-Nov-16 09:23:10

You are not being over sensitive, but some of your friends are being a bit tactless, if not downright mean!

Scooby20 Sun 20-Nov-16 09:23:43

You don't need a grip. It's annoying.

Apart from the ' my family is complete' bit.

I have 2 kids. Some people don't feel their family is complete till they have 3,4,5 ect. Some feek complete at 1.That's a totally personal thing.

But the rest of it is bollocks.

Maybe people are talking about you meeting someone else because ether know you want more kids. To some people the need for more kids is really powerful. Maybe they think because you want more kids a new dp is what you are looking for.

GreatFuckability Sun 20-Nov-16 09:27:46

Your friends are at best, insensitive as fuck. You are very much a family. Some people are very hung up on the 'one of each' thing. I remember people questioning why I had a third when 'you already have a perfect family' hmm people are knobs.

GreatFuckability Sun 20-Nov-16 09:29:18

Oh and fwiw, there are lots of times I wish id stuck with just one. I love my kids, but juggling all their needs is hard bloody work!

OhhBetty Sun 20-Nov-16 09:30:31

Thanks for being so kind everyone!

junebirthdaygirl no I haven't had counselling but it is something I will consider when I have the time. I will have to practice "did you mean to be so hurtful"!

I know I could meet someone etc but I have only been single a few months and need to be on my own for at least a while. I'm nowhere near ready to let anyone else in.

Scooby they don't mention kids when they talk about new partners. It's normally things like "you'll meet someone amazing, you need a husband like mine!" followed by a list of amazing things about their other half!

KayTee87 Sun 20-Nov-16 09:30:49

Yep you don't need a grip, you need new friends!

Of course you are a family flowers

elodie2000 Sun 20-Nov-16 09:32:06

You need new friends! They really do need to shut the f up.

Sandybum Sun 20-Nov-16 09:32:08

You don't need a grip, your friends are twats.

People reacted really weirdly when I became a single mum.... You soon realise who your real friends are. Some people fixate on you finding a new man which used to really upset me, it wasn't a priority when I had a small child to look after! Looking back I think their reaction says a lot about them..... How insecure they were in their relationship, how they didn't trust their partner around a single woman and how they could never imagine having the strength to go it alone.

You'll be alright, just distance yourself from the negativity and look for more positive friends.

chitofftheshovel Sun 20-Nov-16 09:33:08

No, you don't need a grip.

elodie2000 Sun 20-Nov-16 09:36:02

Also, the comments re. meeting someone as wonderful as their own 'hubby's'... They're bigging up what they have - confident people don't need to do this.
I bet you wouldn't want to be lumbered with their choice of man in a million years.

OhhBetty Sun 20-Nov-16 09:37:43

Sandybum I think you're right, there's already been something I haven't been invited to due to having no partner. I know two of them are quite insecure with their dhs but they should know I wouldn’t do anything like that! I think their reactions have just shocked me. And I have been surprised by other people really being there for me who I wouldn’t have expected to be.

Topseyt Sun 20-Nov-16 09:45:19

You need friends who aren't so Twatty, not a grip.

You and your DS are the perfect little family for you both at the moment.

yorkshapudding Sun 20-Nov-16 09:48:31

You don't need a grip, you might need new friends though. They sound insufferably smug and their comments are very hurtful.

Of course you and your DS are a family. 'Family' isn't a numbers game and your friends are idiots if they think the bond they have as a family is greater or more meaningful than yours just because there are more of them. I'm an only child, I had a lovely childhood and never felt that I was missing out on anything. I still don't.

To be honest your friends sound very insecure. In my experience, people who are truly happy with their lot in life don't feel the need to go around telling everyone how blissfully happy they are and putting others down.

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess Sun 20-Nov-16 09:58:02

betty. This really resonates! I split up with ex in May and well-meaning friends have said similar things - one even tried to set me up with a friend of her boyfriend (she told me he was "lovely, only thing is, he's a bit of an alkie" - she knows I'm a recovering alcoholic, WTAF?!)

Also agree with the 'single threat' - two married friends distanced themselves after the event - I'm really not that type of woman and it was quite hurtful that they suspected I might be.

I need to be single for a looooooonnnnnngggggg time before I'll be ready for another relationship, but yeh, shut the fuck up, you twats!

Olympiathequeen Sun 20-Nov-16 10:03:34

I agree you have some very insensitive friends. Talk about rubbing your nose in it!

Maybe joint a group for single parents like gingerbread as no one there will make stupid comments and they would 'get it' unlike your dumb friends.

ConvincingLiar Sun 20-Nov-16 10:08:46

Your friends are rude.

SemiNormal Sun 20-Nov-16 10:13:58

OhhBetty - I feel your pain! wine

My DS is an only child, his dad cheated a few times too, we're no contact with him now (his dads choice initially but it's for the best).

People are always saying 'An only child is a lonely child' and that I'll soon meet someone else who will be a wonderful father for my DS. hmm People are such insensitive fuckers! For a start I don't want any more children and if I did I would opt to use sperm donation because since splitting with my partner I've 'discovered' I'm asexual. I've single and sexless for around 4yrs now and I'm the happiest I've ever been. Also my DS has a dad already, granted he's shite and doesn't see him but he'll always be his dad, you can't just replace family members with new partners - and if I did there would be no saying that the next bloke would stick around anyway!

One thing though - my DS did once say 'we're not a family any more, it's only me and you' .... I explained that our family was huge with nanna, grandad, aunty XXX etc but he said 'Yes but they don't live with us' sad This issue was resolved with the purchase of a hamster, and now we're a 'real' family again because there are 3 of us. grin

OhhBetty Sun 20-Nov-16 10:44:25

Thanks so much everyone. I've spent the last few months thinking I was just ridiculously sensitive. I've just not wanted to become one of those people who you have to watch what you say around. But I think I've gone the opposite way and not spoken up when I have been upset.

I don't want to cut them off or anything but I now feel more confident to say something next time. I've tried gjngerbread but there's nothing in my area. I am trying to meet other single parents as I do feel I need people who get how tough it is.

SemiNormal I've been thinking of getting a pet next year grin

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