to wish DH shut up moaning about work and say something positive for a change

[abitannoyingreally]

Every day there's a new thing. It seems like once he has sorted something there is a new issue. If I asked him what the issues were last week he wouldn't be able to remember. He literally moans on and on about work from the minute he rings to say he's on his way home. I try to be supportive. I listen and give advice etc. but I am starting to get depressed about it. It is like a black cloud descends on the house when he gets home. Trouble is I am a SAHM so feel I have no right to tell him to shut up about it as I know I am lucky not to be working myself. Help!

[HeyMacWey]

Is he depressed? Stressed about being the sole earner?
Perhaps he doesn't realise he's doing it.
Have you mentioned it to him?

[abitannoyingreally]

Forgot to say MIL and SILs are incredibly negative people and I worry he is getting like them as he gets older.

[Artandco]

Have you considered working and letting him stay at home?

[abitannoyingreally]

I've not told him how annoying it is to hear every detail of his work every day. I don't know how to broach it without seeming unsupportive. I don't think he is depressed but maybe in a moaning rut.

[positivity123]

Are you married to my DH? Does he tell you in detail about every conversation he's had and every email he's received as well?
Mine is better now as I started interrupting him by saying 'moan moan moan' when he did it so he realised how often it was
Next time you go out together tell him in the nicest possible way that you don't care about all the bad things that happen in his day and he needs to stop it.

[abitannoyingreally]

He wouldn't want to stay at home and I can't earn anywhere near as much as we need. I don't want this to turn into a SAHM slating thanks.

[abitannoyingreally]

Thanks positivity. Yes must be the same DH as I frequently have to read/ hear about emails as well as every other aspect of his work and conversation he's had. So dull.

[golfbuggy]

How much does he actually moan? I know if I've had a bad day at work I tend to go home and have a bit of a rant for a bit, but then I move on to other stuff.

I'm presuming that if you have a bad day you never mention anything about it to him?

[ZaraW]

My ex was like this it does drag you down, and is v. v boring. I gave him the five minute rule so he could have his rant then we would move on to more interesting conversation.

[abitannoyingreally]

Literally all night golfbuggy. If it was even only an hour I wouldn't mind. If I've had a bad day I will say what's happened but TBH he shows little interest as his problems are worse.

[Angelto5]

Sounds like my dh too!

I don't mind him moaning to me but when he's very negative toward/in front of the DC it bugs me.

The one thing I say to him is "you must be exhausted at being so negative all the time".

I'm constantly telling him there is no point moaning about things/peoples behaviour you can't change.

I'm also a sahm and the only way I find to help is to make sure he can vent his annoyance by doing something he enjoys at the weekend.

[Leanback]

My dp is the same. He's in a bad mood after work every day. I'm a pessimist myself but he really does drag me down with it sometimes. We had a long chat about it recently and he thinks he's suffering from depression which I agree with. He's going to start counselling.

Something I've found that helps both of us be more positive is to force ourselves to say three positive things about the day to each other whilst we eat our evening meal.

[BabyGanoush]

I think it's important to be supportive and sympathetic if your partner has had a crap day.

It's nice to let off steam at home for a bit, and then you can (both) move on.

In our house we all have a little moan about school/work... for about 5 minutes, and that's that

[OrcinusOrca]

Can you agree to talk about it for the first half hour of getting home and then no more work talk? So he gets to let off steam but then it's done.

[TartanTrousers]

Your post describes me to be honest, I'm the sole earner and I often vent (a lot) when I get home from work. It's only because I know it's a safe space where I can talk freely and be comforted.

I do always ask about his day though so it's not completely one sided! The 5 minute rule sounds like a good compromise.

[LifeLong13]

We have a one hour rule. We have an hour to moan about work once we're both home and then that's it.

Maybe suggest you think that would be a good idea? You could frame it that you think you're moaning a lot?

[abitannoyingreally]

I think the time limit is a good idea. It would be good for DH as well as me because by talking about it all night he never switches off from it.

[OliviaBensonOnAGoodDay]

My DP can be like this, not just about work but about everything. MIL is a very negative person, and like you i worry he's going that way too.

I just tell him off for moaning. Or I say you sound just like your mum, which shuts him up for a while

[ZaraW]

abitannoying exactly and the conversation just goes round in circles without anything getting resolved. I could cope with 5 minutes maybe you are more patient than me but an hour of complaining sounds awful.

[WLF46]

Your user name suggests you're not exactly the most positive person yourself. Maybe you should both speak to the doctor, psychological problems like depression can be treated, just like physical problems.

[LifeLong13]

Hope it works for you OP. We've found it to be pretty useful!

[thetemptationofchocolate]

Mine is also a moaner.
Once I'd had a truly awful day (I'd been in tears for most of it after an enormous row in the office) and he actually said to me that he didn't want to hear it as he'd had a shit day too. He has probably forgotten about this but I haven't.
So I don't tell him anything about work now, and when he starts whining on about how awful his day has been I just don't listen any more.

[Sheld0n]

It depends if it's moaning for the sake of moaning, or not. I stopped working a few months ago and still wake up unable to breathe, mid-panic attack because I've dreamed I'm back there. I probably sounded like I was moaning at the time, but I'm still being treated for the crippling anxiety that job gave me. Although I'm doing something I absolutely love now, it takes a while to get over, and you feel helpless at the time.

[Flixy102]

My DH is the same, he will moan about small issues at work and blow them up to sound like something really important. I started getting really annoyed at him, not specifically because he was moaning but because he would literally start the minute he came through the door and didn't bother to ask about how my day was, or how DS was!

So now when he starts moaning, to be fair, he does catch himself on and stops. He also asks after me and DS!

[TheFlounder]

YANBU. I can distinctly remember as a child asking my mum how her day was and everyday I would get told 'stressful'. It really does bring you down.

The five minute suggestion sounds good to me.