Sons dad 1 hours late returning him from contact

[Mooey89]

Sorry to use AIbU like this, but I am literally at the end of my tether.

Ex was violent, abusive. Very controlling.

Our son is 3. In June he got a new gf, who had four children in care. He introduced her within 10 days.

Very quickly she was contacting me telling me he was being abusive to her, she was scared of him, etc.

I told him no more overnights, asked him to do a parenting course, perpetrators course, then we could relook at contact.

They then broke up after 6 weeks. I continued with no overnights because he had made no changes, is abusive to others in front of DS, abusice to me in front of DS, DS is starting to pick up on it.

This morning I received court papers setting out that he wants 50/50% shared care.

DS went for contact today 10-4. At 10.30 I got a text saying 4 was too early. He would return him at 6. I told him the arrangement was 4 and I would see him then. He said I was a fucking moron and a cunt and I don't get to dictate terms.

It's now 5.10. I'm guessing he won't turn up until 6. There's no court order yet, I know I have no powers to enforce but he just constantly pushes the boundaries.

I don't want to be accused of drip feeding but please believe that the above are just the edited highlights and there is a huge list of this shit.

What do I do? Anything?

[gizmo79]

Hi, been there with my ex. It is just a pathetic control thing. It completely used to ruin the weekends that he used to see my Dd but in the end he got bored of trying to rile me, and bored of seeing my Dd as well so stopped all contact and has not seen her for the last 3 years (no great loss there).....
Try not to get stressed over it, as he will just try to up the ante. Speak to a solicitor if it continues. And make sure you have a residency order in place.

[Sirzy]

Make sure you keep all the texts like that - and stay as calm as possible in replies - as they will show what type of person he is.

Keep a diary of everything.

Hope he turns up at 6

[Mooey89]

Believe me I am keeping all texts!
In every message he sends he calls me a name, whether it is whore, or sociopath, or a manipulative bitch.

I can't rant to him because I'm being cool calm collected but
Gahhhhhhhhhh I fucking HaTe the fucking cunting abusive cuntwipe!

That felt better.

[HateMrTumble]

Keep texts, go to court, and allow minimum contact until there is an order. My court case has taken 9 months so far, the father kept threatening me with court thinking it would all go his way, so in the end I just let him go to court.. backfired massively, and i dont have to put up with his controlling s*, there'll be set days and times, and if he brakes it then it'll just go straight back to court with my point proven. win win. Keep a diary of how late he is each time, and any other concerns.

[AcrossthePond55]

Until there are court orders unfortunately there is nothing you can do. But realize that he's 'feeding' off your upset. To him, it's simply another way to abuse you. So above all you need to remain calm. No more text messages. When he shows up with DS, calmly take him in and shut the door on ex. Do not discuss or get into it with him nor allow him to draw you into anything. It's what he wants.

Since he's filed for 50/50 he may be banking on you stopping contact so he can justify saying you are obstructing the parent/child relationship to build a better case for himself. It's an old MRA tactic; jack her around into stopping contact then declare her unreasonable.

Say nothing about his court filings to him, nothing. And reply to no emails or text messages unless you have to, then confine your responses to 'yes' or 'no' or 'I will let you know', no matter how provoking he is. Cardinal rule; put nothing in writing unless you absolutely have to. But do keep any and all communications from him, no matter how abusive or conversely, how innocuous they may seem.

First thing Monday morning get yourself a good solicitor. And hang on, it's going to be a bumpy ride!

[Mooey89]

Thank you all.

[Mooey89]

He's back.

[AcrossthePond55]

Glad he's home, safe and sound. Hope all went well with the handover.