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To think everyone needs a social life

(3 Posts)
Timeforausernamechange Sun 30-Oct-16 14:23:28

Name changed as I've been posting for a while under the old one...

I am wishing that DH does something for himself that does not involve me and the DCs. For background he is a contract worker, currently between jobs, so does not a have a work/ colleague network. When we met he had a large social group but they dropped him after he had an accident and was laid up for 6 months. He has a few good friends, but they have families too and live a good distance away ( some abroad) and he is not good at being proactive about meeting up.

We both used to be involved with different 'risk' sports. I have stopped mine, first through injury and then because it doesn't fit easily with kids. He has stopped his because he has become more aware of the risks with age and DCs. So he no longer sees people this way. He only really sees me and the DCs, his family and friends of mine.

DH is a bit depressed and I think that being lonely is not helping. I have tried to suggest that he take up a new interest and at least get out of the house every now and then. He expressed an interest in my old sport and I have put him in touch with old friends of mine who still do (a less extreme version) it who would like him to go along. But months on he has still not taken up the contacts.

I have suggested, evening classes (which I have been doing and really enjoyed) the local camera club and even bee keeping! Even suggesting that we designate him a night a week to go to the local baths or even out for a walk. Before we met he would even go to the pub on his own- but he won't do that now.

With young DCs it's hard to go to things together and I have a variety of interests (local politics/volunteering/pottery at night school) in addition to the DCs activities to keep me busy. I feel guilty that he looks after the DCs so I can do these things but then he never takes his own time out?

AIBU to keep trying to encourage things or should I just let him fester?

WaxingNinja Sun 30-Oct-16 14:35:00

Has he been diagnosed with and is he having help/treatment for his depression?

Other than expressing an interest in your old hobby, has he actually said outright that he's lonely or feels the need to get out more?

I think you should leave him be.

The pressure of expectation from you that he should be doing more can't be helping. I'd be highly irritated if my DH kept suggesting things he thought I should do and suggested I was 'festering'.

It doesn't sound like he's stopping you doing what you like or making you feel guilty - you're doing that yourself.

He knows the time and opportunity is there for him should he want it, the rest is up to him.

HermioneJeanGranger Sun 30-Oct-16 14:38:50

Fester? Perhaps he's happy doing things alone or with you/DC. Not everyone needs or wants a busy social life.

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