Friend cancelling on me and ds

(24 Posts)
Lookinatu Sun 30-Oct-16 02:16:33

Me and my friend had organised during her one weekday day off to have a day out with ds (4). This had been organised for about a month I told ds who was very excited to be seeing my friend (he calls her auntie). She wanted to spend some time with ds but hasn't been able to see him since he started school.
Anyway 3 days before I get a call off friend saying she was on a night out with another friend for her bday and had realised that a afternoon tea was booked for a day she was in work. Friend mentioned she was in work and the only day off was 3 days later (day we were going out) and other person said that's great we can go out that day instead. So she rang me to cancel with me.
I don't normally tell ds as I like the suprise on the day, but because it was a day trip we had been talking about it for weeks.
Ds starting crying and I felt guilty for bigging up this day out with us all.
Aibu for being slightly upset at friend for not being more organised or is it my own fault for making a big deal to ds for this day out.
Apologies for the long post I didn't know how to shorten it down.

OlennasWimple Sun 30-Oct-16 02:18:11

Hi - I don't tell my DC about events that I know they will get really really excited about until near the time, just in case it doesn't happen for whatever reason

Lookinatu Sun 30-Oct-16 02:23:38

Olennas my ds love knowing what is happening over the next few days and because it was going to be with his auntie I thought it would make him happy.
So I guess your response is aibu for bigging the day up? I have definitely learnt my lesson.

WiIdfire Sun 30-Oct-16 02:24:56

I'd also not consider her a very good friend as she clearly only wants to spend time with you until a better offer comes along.

Sierra259 Sun 30-Oct-16 02:27:49

It's not your fault that she's cancelled at short notice (and a bit out of order to make other arrangements on a day when she already had plans with you).

However, like the pp, I also don't tend to tell my DC about things until the actual day in case we don't end up doing them for some reason. You shouldn't feel bad, but this method might save you and DS some upset in the future. I'd be straight with your friend too that it really upset your DS - no doubt he's back at school next week, so not easy to rearrange sad

dovesong Sun 30-Oct-16 02:28:15

How cheeky of her to cancel because of plans with another friend. I'd be annoyed with her. You should always honour the commitment you made first (unless it's something really unavoidable)

ChipIn Sun 30-Oct-16 02:32:25

I'd be pissed at your friend for cancelling. She could have told the other person she already had plans and the afternoon tea would need to be arranged for another time. That's pretty shitty of her.

Lookinatu Sun 30-Oct-16 02:32:38

Don't normally tell ds as I like him to be surprised but because it was a lot of planning I stupidly did. But I can see what everyone is saying.

Lookinatu Sun 30-Oct-16 02:36:09

Sierra no as you mentioned next time off is just before Christmas. She works on Saturdays and sees her boyfriend on Sundays so no time to fit in.

sumoweeble Sun 30-Oct-16 02:52:38

That's sad for you and your son.
Does she have or know many children? If not it's possible she didn't realise how disappointed your son would be, I think. It would be lovely if you could rearrange, somehow. Could she come over for early dinner after work one day instead?

KoalaDownUnder Sun 30-Oct-16 03:03:39

She was rude and unthinking. Who does that?!

Lookinatu Sun 30-Oct-16 03:04:43

Sumo Wembley no she doesn't have any kids. We have very different lifestyles and I am now starting to think this may be a factor for us not being as close as we used to be. I can easily fit something in although I have dd (9 weeks) but she's not suggested a alternative so I had left the ball in her court so to speak.

Cucumber5 Sun 30-Oct-16 03:17:39

Can't you just arrange something equally as nice so she isn't disappointed? A nice day out with you somewhere special.

Dissapontment is just a part of life and learning to deal with it is a skill. Allow her to be upset but help her to bounce back.

DixieWishbone Sun 30-Oct-16 03:34:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Italiangreyhound Sun 30-Oct-16 03:38:58

Lookinatu I am sorry that this has happened and your ds is upset. But I think that this does happen a lot to people for a whole bunch of reasons and it is good for kids to get used to that fact things do not always work out.

Personally, I would say it was not cancelled but postponed and I would re-arrange with her and not tell him about he day until it actually happens and she is there. I would mentally 'label' her a but unreliable and I would not tell ds about future things with her until they happen.

Finally, I would ensure the day when we would have been seeing friend was a fun day for ds and me and do something we both liked doing.

Mummyoflittledragon Sun 30-Oct-16 04:29:40

When dd was this age I stopped telling her about flaky family members as brother and sil, who would do this. They have a son so dd gets really excited as we don't see them often (not through my choice). She got so upset once when they just cancelled. And this wasn't the first or last time they cancelled and I only told her because they absolutely assured me they'd definitely come. Then didn't and not for any legitimate reason.

This is a friend and you probably have a different relationship with them than I do with brother and sil as I couldn't tell them how upset dd is without getting an earful. In your case, I would just text and say your ds was distraught (saying it like it is) when she cancelled and you'd like to set a new date. See her reaction. Maybe she's a bit immature and unthinking or maybe she's backing away because of the differences in lifestyle you have now you're a mum. Either way, big lesson learnt on that score.

Dd brooks disappointment much better now she's a few years older. Plans with sil/brother never run smoothly. Sil came and stayed a few months ago but it was awkward because we made agreements and then she'd sweepingly change them and left early because she decided she didn't want to waste the next day driving home, despite having plans to go to the restaurant that evening. (Sahm Summer holidays so plenty of time). Message I received = not want to waste her time with us. When I suggested she went the next day at X time as the traffic would be ok then, she was unkind and I went off to hide for a cry. Her ds seems totally oblivious to any of this despite being a bit older than yours. Maybe that's because he's used to changing plans and having no control over what's happening.

If you can, do something nice with your ds. I know you're a bit more limited with a baby but even something like soft play is probably fab at his age.

Friends come and go and change. I was dropped by several friends over the course of a year 2-3 years ago. It really hurt. Life moves on and I've found new friends. I've changed a lot through self growth and I think perhaps I'd actually outgrown them and maybe they sensed that. Or maybe they were sick of me being chronically ill - as if I have a choice in the matter. I don't know.

Dozer Sun 30-Oct-16 07:04:35

SWBU to cancel for an offer she preferred.

YWBU to discuss it with your DS in advance though, and the main responsibility for his disappointment is yours.

Emberfirefly Sun 30-Oct-16 07:08:32

Your friend is a twat for doing that OP, can you and your ds go together anyway as planned?

SabineUndine Sun 30-Oct-16 07:22:16

I dumped a friend for phoning and saying she couldn't go out with me as planned because she'd been invited to a party. If I were you I wouldn't be seeing this woman again.

lalalalyra Sun 30-Oct-16 07:26:31

I don't think there should be any blame on the OP for telling her DS. Yes, now she knows not to tell him until on the day, but that doesn't make it at all her fault that a (presumably) so far trustworthy/reliable person has turned into a flake.

Imo a lot of the "don't tell the kids until the day" allows people to flake on kids on the basis "well they don't know anyway..." Doesn't make it any less rude.

I'd be really pissed off. If you make plans then you stick to them unless it's not possible through illness, work etc not because you got a better offer.

Bubbinsmakesthree Sun 30-Oct-16 07:31:15

Your friend was way out of order to cancel on you for a better offer.

I also don't agree with people laying the blame at your door for telling your DS in advance. It is nice to be able to anticipate and look forward to planned events, and despite his upset now, dealing with disappointment is a valuable life lesson.

Mindtrope Sun 30-Oct-16 07:31:29

Yes your friend was mean, but I also agree that you have helped create your child's upset by bigging it up.

Xmasbaby11 Sun 30-Oct-16 08:42:10

Your friend was out of order.

However, I think at 4, they have to learn to face disappointments because plans do get cancelled - that's life. DD is 4 and plans frequently change due to illness / weather / other things coming up. As long as there's an alternative plan, she copes with it fine.

Lookinatu Sun 30-Oct-16 09:09:08

Hi everyone thank you for the messages very honest and obviously said with experience. I ended up taking ds to Chester zoo we made a picnic and had a lovely day. His disappointment had completely one after the zoo I am the best mum ever apparently I had made a jam packed week which was lovely. I know ds was disappointed and he will learn from it so it's a experience it's just as some people have pointed out she doesn't normally cancel until now. I am just annoyed about the whole situation and I think I am morning the loss of a friend I think. I married with 2 dc and she is technically single and loves to go out on night outs and go shopping all the time. I think we have different interests now.

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