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To not invite friend on holiday

(49 Posts)
TaterTots Sun 16-Oct-16 17:23:36

Bit of background - long-time close friend (gay male, so purely platonic) hasn't worked in years. This was initially due to ill health, but realistically he's been fit for work for a long time - he just has unrealistic expectations about the sort of job he can get.

A few months back I booked a holiday with some friends (none of whom he knows) that's coming up next month. When I told him and a mutual friend, it turned out mutual friend was also going to the same place that week (there's a big event). My mate - let's call him J - started moaning about what a miserable time he'd be having 'sitting at home looking at everyone's photos on Facebook'. Mutual friend and I both said if he wanted a holiday he needed to try a bit harder to get a job - blunt perhaps, but we've both known him long enough to be honest with him.

This week one of my friends who I'm going away with tagged me in a 'Woohoo, only a month to go!' status. J then messages me saying 'Looks like everyone's going on holiday except me. Seriously pissed off'. I made some sympathetic noises, but to be honest I was thinking he hasn't done much to change his situation. Then I got another message asking how much I thought it would cost him to come, if he spent as little as possible out there.

Because of this event, accommodation costs have rocketed - if I was booking this late I wouldn't be able to afford it. However, the flights are still surprisingly cheap (possibly because accommodation is so expensive, meaning no one is booking flights anymore). I told him this and he said there 'must be' something cheaper and 'remind me where you're staying again?' He didn't ask outright, but I think the implication was 'Can't I share your accommodation?' I said I had a room in town that I got cheaply because I booked so early. The second part is true, but it's an apartment, not a room. It's a one bedroom, but I'd be surprised if it didn't have at least a sofa, so theoretically I could ask him if he wants to share.

Is it wrong not to want to invite him? He doesn't know any of the people I'm going with and, while I'm sure my friends wouldn't mind him joining us, this whole 'minimum spend possible' thing would worry me. It doesn't seem fair that a group of people should have to worry about where we eat, how many drinks we have, whether we can go on a day trip etc. because someone they don't even know is watching the pennies. To be honest, I also don't particularly relish the idea myself. If I'd organised to go away with J (as I did last year) I'd have to accept that we'd work to a smaller budget. But this time I'd like to just enjoy my holiday without worrying that the suggestion of a nice meal or a cocktail will be met with and intake of breath and mutterings about the cost.

Am I being unfair to not change my plans just because of his FOMO?

FlabulousChic Sun 16-Oct-16 17:25:21

No you aren't being unfair he has had time to save and hasn't

PotteringAlong Sun 16-Oct-16 17:25:51

No. just smile and ignore.

Lilacpink40 Sun 16-Oct-16 17:26:16

YANBU if he wants to have holidays he should be working to pay them!

Bogeyface Sun 16-Oct-16 17:27:10

He could have gone on holiday if he got himself a job, but he didnt and this is one of the consequences of that.

As long as other people keep bailing him out, he has no reason to pull his finger out does he?

Just ignore the hint dropping and have a nice holiday. His lack of funds is his problem not yours.

SeaCabbage Sun 16-Oct-16 17:28:03

Not at all. You haven't even invited him. He is being rude.

ThatStewie Sun 16-Oct-16 17:28:43

Nope. He needs to save to go on holiday like everyone else.

Ragwort Sun 16-Oct-16 17:28:56

No, you are not being unfair; he is being massively insensitive to keep on hinting and expecting you to all rally round and subsidise his holiday.

I have friends who go on expensive holidays, I know I can't 'keep up' with their lifestyle whilst on holiday so I wouldn't dream of inviting myself along; one of my 'richer' (can't think of a better word) did invite me on holiday with her this year but I explained that it was out of my budget - no hard feelings either way.

TheWitTank Sun 16-Oct-16 17:29:16

No, YANBU. Tell him outright that it won't be a cheap holiday, and that the people you and your other friends have planned trips & dinners that are fairly costly. Don't offer up information about your apartment or location. Perhaps suggest a weekend away with him next year (if you want too!)

HouseworkIsASin10 Sun 16-Oct-16 17:29:43

No. Not your problem. He is a sponger and trying to gain sympathy.

If he hadn't mentioned it and was trying to find a job then I'd be more inclined to invite him. I'd think at least he is trying.
But he is coming across as a whiny prick.

Meloncoley2 Sun 16-Oct-16 17:29:59

Of course YANBU!

HouseworkIsASin10 Sun 16-Oct-16 17:31:05

And do not tell him anything about where you are staying.
Change subject and warn everybody else to keep quiet aswell.

Gwenci Sun 16-Oct-16 17:31:11

YANBU. He's a grown adult and not your responsibility. He wants go, he finds himself somewhere to stay.

Stick to the sympathetic noises but don't offer him your apartment.

StillStayingClassySanDiego Sun 16-Oct-16 17:31:28

Don't change your plans.

Life's a tit at times, he'll have to stop looking at FB if it pisses him off that much.

ImperialBlether Sun 16-Oct-16 17:31:57

No, in fact he'll stay off work longer if you do. It's tough for him, but this might be the impetus he needs to get a job.

He would completely ruin your holiday. I think he can sense you weakening now and is homing in on you - resist!

Leeds2 Sun 16-Oct-16 17:34:07

YANBU. He has had the opportunity to work and so be able to save some money, but has chosen not to. Hence the position he is in now.

Ignore his FB messages, and do NOT tell him where you are staying as you know that he will turn up unannounced.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad Sun 16-Oct-16 17:42:56

Please don't change your plans and please don't invite him. I did a similar thing twice (yes I didn't learn the first time) and both times the 'friend' I took along that none of my other friends knew wrecked the holiday for everyone. The whole dynamic changed and it just didn't work. Don't do the same thing - you'll regret it.

EmpressKnowsWhereHerTowelIs Sun 16-Oct-16 17:43:21

I bet his spending as little as possible translates into getting you to spend as much as possible on him.

Don't do it.

Bambamrubblesmum Sun 16-Oct-16 17:48:23

Holidays are a luxury not a right. In his shoes I'd be focusing on bigger issues!

Just ignore. He's playing chicken with you to see if you crack first and give in to his whining. Don't.

Go and enjoy your holiday. You've earned it unlike him

2kids2dogsnosense Sun 16-Oct-16 17:50:46

He is not a child. You are not his mother. You have no responsibility for him.

Enjoy your holiday, with your friends, and without him.

AmserGwin Sun 16-Oct-16 17:53:43

No don't invite him. I'm pretty sure the owner of the apartment is not going to let an extra person sleep there for free/cheap either. They will know how many people should be staying there, and you can't sneak him in and out constantly

mysistersimone Sun 16-Oct-16 17:56:47

You're going on holiday, not to babysit a whiner who has no money. Its his own fault he can't go, he needs a reality check.

SingaSong12 Sun 16-Oct-16 17:59:38

You aren't responsible for this adult. If he is fit to work and is lazy anough or unfortunate enough not to be working then that is his problem and means no holiday.

there is something hard about seeing others having fun and I think it's worse now with FB then when you just saw some holiday snaps when the person got back. However this is something he will have to put up with.

QuiteLikely5 Sun 16-Oct-16 18:03:52

He's a friend, be upfront and tell him what your concerns are otherwise how are you being true?

If he's a good friend he will say fair enough. If he isn't a good friend then you've lost nothing!

GabsAlot Sun 16-Oct-16 18:16:54

i know someone like this although they have a job they can never budget so never save

they always come along then moan they cant afford anything jut so they dont miss out on whatever it is

its quite immature really

just say it outright u wont be able to afford what we're doing and i cant sub you

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