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To refuse to have anything further to do with FIL?

(24 Posts)
QueenOfThePhone Mon 10-Oct-16 13:28:58

I've been with my DH for 15 years, we have two DCs together and I have one from a previous marriage. Since DH and I got together, FIL has made it clear, through subtle digs, ignoring me and generally being an arse to me that he doesn't like me (MIL died before I met DH btw so she is not around to speak to about it). I have finally had enough of his behaviour and have said to DH that I am having nothing more to do with FIL. DH has spoken to FIL in the past about his attitude towards me and I always 'answer him back' for want of a better phrase but he always puts my reaction down towards me being oversensitive or 'not knowing how to take him'.

He is often very cunning in how he says things to me; he will usually ignore me in front of DH and just pointedly ask how DH is and talk about the children but never asks me how I am. Then when DH is not here or is not in the room he will say things like he hopes I am grateful that DH works so hard to support us all (I work too; we earn pretty much the same!!), or gets a dig out of something or other. Until a few years ago I was a fitness instructor and he was always talking about how when he goes the gym he takes no notice of the instructors as they're all 'stupid little girls who know nothing', which was aimed at me.

If I ever tell him anything about the kids he just ignores me and harps on about how bright SIL was as a child and how amazing SIL's kids are.

Also I am non contact with my parents due to them abusing me as a child and various other abusive things they've done in recent years (including my dad hitting me a few years ago in front of my children), and FIL goes on and on about how 'they're still you're parents' and telling me I should talk to them!

At the weekend it came to a bit of a head; he phoned up whilst DH was at work on Saturday and was incredibly rude to me, starting with 'Is he there????' in a demanding voice as soon as I answered the phone. I then said that DH was at work and FIL launched into 'Oh, POOR MAN, having to work on a Saturday to support you all'. He was rude in several other ways and I was polite but then I came off the phone and thought 'Fuck you, I'm having nothing more to do with you'

I have told DH that I am having nothing more to do with FIL and that I am happy if he and the DCs want to see him but I will not be engaging with him anymore and if he comes round here I will not speak to him and will go out. DH has agreed but I can tell he thinks I'm being a bit dramatic about it all.

AIBU to cut FIL off?

GettingMuckyFingersCrossed Mon 10-Oct-16 13:35:39

Nah life's too short
Let him get on with it

Dogolphin Mon 10-Oct-16 13:40:05

Good for you! Your children should never see anyone treat you like that, no contact is the way to go! It might help you husband understand if you record your FIL so he can hear it first hand.

ohtheholidays Mon 10-Oct-16 13:46:30

No your in the right and your husband should be supporting you!

I'm sure he wouldn't be pleased if a family member of yours was always picking on your husband and you didn't stand up for him.

AntiHop Mon 10-Oct-16 13:50:14

Yanbu. You'vd put up with that behaviour for far too long. Life's too short.

wageslave Mon 10-Oct-16 13:50:44

You are absolutely right OP. I liberated myself from my DH's family after over 2 decades of them being rude to me and about me, and them slagging me off behind my back to my teenage daughter, which in turn has detrimentally affected my relationship with her (nearly 2 decades of subtle and not so subtle poison drip fed). Your FIL sounds like mine, an arrogant bully, where everyone tiptoes around them. He bullied my daughter so much that she became clinically depressed, we didn't realise this because it happened when she saw them on her own, and she felt embarrassed and hid it from us.
It all came to a head this time last year when my DH told him that we had had enough of his behaviour, SHTF and they ranted and raved for months, especially my equally toxic BIL who accused my husband of shortening his parents' lives by daring to challenge.
I saw them once briefly earlier this year at a funeral, I refuse to go to their house or invite them to ours. I don't need constantly being told how fat/ugly/hairy/drab/wrong I am, how women are stupid etc, etc.
My DH finds this situation very difficult but now sees them separately, he is a lovely and gentle man but is caught in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) trap.

Go NC, life is too short and you will hopefully find it liberating too flowers

Thumbcat Mon 10-Oct-16 13:51:23

You certainly are not being dramatic! In fact you sound like you've been remarkably calm in the face of extreme provocation. If I was your husband I also wouldn't be seeing the cantankerous old git if he couldn't be civil to you.

Underparmummy Mon 10-Oct-16 13:52:24

YANBU. He sounds like a complete twat. I wouldn't want my children seeing him either - blatant misogynist.

ClopySow Mon 10-Oct-16 13:53:11

I agree qith everything you say except the bit about going out when he comes round. I wouldn't have him in my house.

AndShesGone Mon 10-Oct-16 13:55:12

God you're really cutting off your nose here when you can have so much fun grin

Twat FIL: 'Isn't it awful that dh is working on a Saturday to support you all'

You: 'yeah, it's amazing! I've just finishing blowing the milkman and then I'm going to eat 4 eclairs before I buy some shit on eBay I don't need'

Then hang up.

Too often we're (women) expected to take endless shit with no response. By all means choose no contact but just give yourself a wee option to bite back. It might be more satisfying smile
And he might never do it again.

tictactoad Mon 10-Oct-16 13:57:21

Totally NU.

Have you got caller display so you can let the phone ring out next time the rude git calls?

M0nstersinthecl0set Mon 10-Oct-16 13:59:28

Not at all unreasonable. And to answer the 'still your parents' it's bollocks to suppose that gives anyone rights to your time and energy (let alone anything owed to abusers). Stick to it, you're not being dramatic at all. Good boundaries are an excellent example to your dc. flowers your h could probably learn something about boundaries through this too.

tofutti Mon 10-Oct-16 14:07:23

YANBU. Let's see how he likes being without his verbal punching bag.

Also, if you realise he is badmouthing you to your DC, a la wageslave 's FIL, then I wouldn't allow contact with DC either.

ElsieMc Mon 10-Oct-16 14:18:21

I don't know how you have put up with it so long. I am no contact with PIL, FIL is now dead. I have to tell you people do not change. My DH goes and sees his mother and my dd's did for a while but now no longer go because she is cold, manipulative and disinterested in them. She lives with her dd who is ghastly so my dd's have decided not to go any more. Sounds like history repeating itself, doesn't it?

Do not let him do this to you or your children. I was always told I must think of my DH but he had ample opportunity to stand up for me but chose the easy route. A lot of men do and sometimes you have to make the choice that protects you. Try to avoid him coming to your house or the abuse will continue, believe me. Your DH needs to tell him to call him on his mobile only.

Arfarfanarf Mon 10-Oct-16 14:23:42

not at all.

I'd have set my mobile to record him long before this to play to my husband to show him exactly what a nasty sack of shit his dad is.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 10-Oct-16 14:25:00

It's not on to treat you like this so if you have given DH fair warning, carry on and minimise interaction with FIL. Please don't let him cause you to go out of your home, he'd probably enjoy that.

It's become a habit to belittle you. It wasn't nipped in the bud but you can do something. Never mind how much of a fuss you suspect DH thinks you're making.
PS Assign a special ringtone on your house phone for FIL's number so you can avoid answering the phone.

Jinglebellsandv0dka Mon 10-Oct-16 14:38:13

I'd go one step further TBH and stop him from coming to the house. (Like I did with mil)

What's going to happen is - FIL will notice you bring standoffish and he won't give a flying fuck. Who cares if you go out? Good! He doesn't like you any way! He will start coming around at inconvienient times msking you leave or go up stairs eg.. Tea time or late at night.

You will be back to square one as soon as he realises what you are doing, hiding out in your own home.

Your home is your safe space, your FIL doesn't live there - do you don't have to leave because he is making you feel like shit - he does

Your Dh has to see how serious and effected you are. As at the moment he knows he is pissing you off but not enough for you to really kick up a stink about it ? Can't be that bad??

Your a grown woman and a grown adult is trying to belittle you at every opportunity so ban him from the house. Don't pick the phone up if he calls. Completly go NC.

It took a while for my Dh to realise I would walk if he didn't stick by me, he was so used to mil bullying propel he just expected me to get over it- like ever other fucker did/does. He was quite shocked when I said I would leave if she ever came to this house - and I didn't care if he though I was over reacting - he knew I was serious though.

She has been banned from her for two years now. It's awsome.

Stand up for yourself op

FeliciaJollygoodfellow Mon 10-Oct-16 14:42:56

YANBU. It took my mum thirty years and untold digs to cut out my horrible grandmother - she even continued visiting her when my dad didn't and after the split up. It took an insult about my mum's mum to make her say she'd had enough, and I don't blame her one bit. She's a toxic witch and my mum is lovely - I'm glad you have done it in half the time it took my mum! flowers

bagpusss Mon 10-Oct-16 14:48:17

YANBU. Definitely cut him off and save yourself the aggravation. But doing this you are not resolving the situation fully. You still need to get DH on board more. FIL is likely to continue making demeaning remarks in your absence, poisoning your children's minds. DH needs to step up and get FIL to stop doing what he's doing. You need to talk to DH.

JellyBelli Mon 10-Oct-16 14:53:41

Why havent you recorded him to play to DH? I'm pretty sure that was mentioned several times the last time you posted this.

weemouse Mon 10-Oct-16 15:06:26

Life is way too short to put up with this crap.

But I wouldn't let your DH subject your kids to his shit either, guaranteed he will slag you off when you are not there to stand up for yourself.

And don't you dare leave your house so he can come round, if your DH wants to see him - then he has to go there, your home is your sanctuary, don't let this twat make you uncomfortable in your own space.

Happyinthehazeofadrunkenhour Mon 10-Oct-16 15:21:17

Sounds like a complete bastard..like others have said, Life is too short for crap like that..I went years putting up with my older sister behaving like a total nightmare, (usually when alcohol involved) but kept making excuses for her..in the end enough was enough, NC and I've never looked back..Good luck op, I would hope your DH is supportive enough to actually make sure his father keeps away from your home. You shouldn't have to go out of your own house because of him. flowers

DownTownAbbey Mon 10-Oct-16 15:47:09

As pps have said don't leave your home when he comes round- ban him!

SapphireStrange Mon 10-Oct-16 15:48:40

Not at all U; he's a cunt. Your DH should try being spoken to like that for a bit before he judges you.

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