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To stand by this decision?

(22 Posts)
Montalf Fri 30-Sep-16 15:49:49

My DD is 12, and when I was offered a fantastic job opportunity which entailed moving 3 hours away, a lot of discussion later, DD decided that she would rather stay with my DM during term time and visit me during holidays and I visit at weekends.
It was her decision, and she gave her reasons, and was sensible and mature about it, she didn't want to leave school, she had just started secondary school and didn't want to move to a brand new area and new school.
I always made it clear that it was her decision, and that whatever decision she made would not be set in stone, as it could be changed at a later date, and I would respect her decision.
As a child I was moved away from everyone I had ever known and it did have an effect on me, because I was really unhappy, found it hard to establish new relationships and really struggled.
DD has always spent a lot of time with my DM due to me working a lot and being a single parent and it was DM's idea for DD to live there term time.
I have had some negative comments about this situation, that DD is too young to make that sort of decision, that I should have either not taken the job (fair enough, I expect that some will have that view) or that I should have 'made' her come with me because she is my daughter and I should have 'put my foot down'.
What do you think MNers?

NavyandWhite Fri 30-Sep-16 15:52:09

At 12? I would have either taken her or not gone myself I guess.

If it's working out for you both then I would try and ignore such comments.

BorpBorpBorp Fri 30-Sep-16 15:55:26

How does your DD feel now? Is she happy and doing well with the situation? Do you review the situation with her periodically to make sure she is still happy?

If all three parties involved (you, DD and DM) are happy with the arrangement, it's fine. In terms of parental contact it's basically no different to sending a child to boarding school.

mintthins Fri 30-Sep-16 15:57:28

If it works for you, your DD, and your DM (really does work, for all three) then it is no one's business but yours.

monkeywithacowface Fri 30-Sep-16 15:57:49

I think it's fine for her to make that choice if those are her only options.

carefreeeee Fri 30-Sep-16 16:02:31

I think it's a decision for you and your family - if everyone's happy I can't see a problem. It's nice that your daughter had the choice. At 12 she is definitely old enough to have an opinion. Personally at that age I'd have missed my mum and wanted her around and that'd be the only reason not to go - your daughter may be different of course.

I suppose it may lead to your DM having more decision making and discipline over your daughter and things may go on in her life that you aren't aware of - not a problem per se but I guess a lot of parents like to be very involved and they can't imagine giving that responsibility to someone else - hence the negative comments?

SquinkiesRule Fri 30-Sep-16 16:03:12

If your Dd, your Dm and you are all happy with the arraignment, then it's no one else business, you do what works for your child, not what would make the judgy friends feel better.

PJBanana Fri 30-Sep-16 16:03:32

If it works for both of you that's all that matters smile

My mum was a single parent and worked in a high pressure job with lots of travel for most of my childhood.

From the age of 6 I lived with my grandparents Monday - Friday while my mum worked, often abroad.

It never did me any harm. In fact, it made the time I spent with my mum more precious, and gave me a really special relationship with my wonderful grandparents.

Don't let people judge you flowers

TaterTots Fri 30-Sep-16 16:03:58

I think if your mother is happy for your daughter to live there in the week and your daughter is happy to be there, why not? Your daughter sounds mature enough to make a decision on this, and you've been through it yourself so can understand.

If it helps, my mum moved house as a teenager and had to move schools. She hated it and begged to go back to her old school, which meant living with her nan in the week. In the end MY nan ended up moving back to the old area to have my mum back at home with her again. My mum now feels guilty as an adult that she made her parents move their lives for her. Much better to do what you and your daughter have decided on.

andintothefire Fri 30-Sep-16 16:05:05

Sounds absolutely fine to me! It's certainly no worse than being at boarding school, and I think it's great that you have given her the option and made a sensible decision that works for everyone. You can always review the situation if it doesn't work!

Ragwort Fri 30-Sep-16 16:07:18

I think, so long as you, DD and DM are all happy about it then that is great, why should everyone fit into a stereotyped image of what 'family life' should look like.

I spent a lot of time with my grandparents when I was younger, my DM was a single parent and needed to work, I grew up to have a great relationship with my grandparents - and my mum and I are still very close (she is now 80+ and I am nearly 60 so clearly no bad long term effects grin).

Montalf Fri 30-Sep-16 16:07:27

We speak every day and yes, all 3 of us are happy with things as they stand. Of course I miss her and she misses me, but she is doing well at school still, enjoys her social time with friends and has time with her dad and DB as she always has.
I don't feel that 'putting my foot down' and bringing her with me would have served her or me, she would have resented me and that would have led to serious problems.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad Fri 30-Sep-16 16:46:27

I can't see any issue if it's working for everyone and you maintain regular contact.

ThePinkOcelot Fri 30-Sep-16 17:25:00

I don't think I would like it, but if it works for you, it's no one else's business.

ConvincingLiar Fri 30-Sep-16 17:28:22

It wouldn't be for me, but if that's what works best for your family, it's fine. I think it would be different if she were 2. As another poster said, it's no worse than boarding school. Presumably you can make sure she can see school friends out of school - particularly in the summer holidays?

AndShesGone Fri 30-Sep-16 17:39:22

Is your DH and DS with you then? And she's the only one left behind?

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 Fri 30-Sep-16 17:47:54

Your dm is a significant person in your dd life so no different from 2 parents co parenting i guess. I share 2 ds with exh and don't see them as much as I want to due to circumstances so it's no different really. I am sure your dm does a better job than many part time df too! Don't let anyone make you feel shit about your parenting decisions. . They are yours to make.

TaterTots Fri 30-Sep-16 17:49:21

AndShesGone - OP describes herself as a single parent - the daughter's father isn't her husband (which means daughter's brother isn't necessarily OP's son).

GahBuggerit Fri 30-Sep-16 18:02:27

for me it depends on what her options were? id think she was very mature and absolutely capable of that decision as long as the option of you not taking the job was on the table for her to consider.

i personally wouldnt movd away and only see my kids at weekends and term time unless the job was potentially lifechanging for us and my kids were on board. i do appreciate others situations so no real judgement from me, perhaps i could manage a "mmm" and a half arsed shrug before i got distracted by cake or something

ImperialBlether Fri 30-Sep-16 18:10:54

Are you still with her dad? Where does her brother live?

seesensepeople Fri 30-Sep-16 18:20:30

I think if you are all happy with it and DD knows that it's not set in stone then what is the problem for everyone else? If she had moved with you and you have a demanding job what would you have done for childcare/suppot for DD, she was getting that from your DM as part of the previous setup anyway. As a lone parent you have to make decisions that balance a number of views/opinions/wants/needs. Well done you for making a brave decision. Well done your DD for taking an active role in deciding. Well done DM for being so involved. I wish all of you the very best with this.

MrsHulk Fri 30-Sep-16 18:24:47

A school friend lived with her granny during the week and saw her parents at weekends and school holidays: as far as I know it never caused any problems and she still has a good relationship with her parents (granny sadly deceased by now).

If it works for you all then I wouldn't worry.

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