Friend problem...(7 Posts)
First of all I am 5 weeks pregnant so prepared to be told I am being over emotional. This is long biting trying to provide all thenecessary information. I need impartial advice.
I have a friend who I've been friendly with since primary school. She can flakey but not in a nasty way, she has a good heart. I've got used to it.
3 years ago it was my 30th birthday. I was 8.5months pregnant. She gave me a handmade invite to a spa day on a certain date & a meal with friends. I was delighted.
So I had my baby. Life with our PFB was a wonderful roller coaster. She visited regularly. A week before the birthday meal she asked if I still wanted to go ahead. She has nothing booked so I said no it was grand. I didn't think anyone would be free at such short notice & was a bit put out at it not already being sorted but I said nothing.
A month before the spa date I texted to check it was all still on. She said she would ring me. Alarm bells started ringing but I thought surely she wasn't going to be flakey on this? I never heard from her. The date came & gone & I can honestly say I cried on & off for a week.
The next I heard from her was to arrange a meal for a mutual friends birthday! I was really upset at the total lack of consideration & non existent promises. She basically said that because I hadn't persisted in contacting her that assumed I didn't want to leave DS. I didn't keep trying to contact her as I know her form when she isn't going to pull through but I was still hopeful deep down until a few days before hand when the sinking realisation set in that there wasn't going to be a spa day.
We're not as close anymore but still in contact. She came to my door last week with a birthday card for me & present for DS - a month late & she lives 10mins away. I thought it odd she hadn't bothered but thought she just decided not to do birthdays anymore & that was cool. So because it was her birthday the next week I offered to take her to the cinema.
Today I receive a text from a mutual friend about a spa day inc said flakey friend. I said yes that's great count me in. I can have my nails painted.
Went to cinema tonight with said flakey friend. I paid as her birthday treat. Turns out this spa day was supposed to be for her bday back start of sept (is now happening mid October) & someone has pulled out hence my invite. Flakey friend said mutual friend is organising & fact I wasn't origally asked is nothing to do with her.
I've cried this last hour since I got in. I've had lots of friend issues with a queen bee basically eradicating me & its gave me social anxiety - badly. For me to say yes to this spa day was a big deal - mutual friend told me who all was going To encourage me to go & I don't blame her for this.
Flakey friend knows about my anxiety & my health issues - malignant melanoma skin cancer & PTSD from a fertility procedure for DS.
I feel I have no real friends anymore. Acquaintances yes not not friends. DH said this is the last straw for flakey friend & I do feel like keeping her at arms length would be for the best.
Aibu to let this affect me so badly? My confidence is shot to bits. I'm sick of people giving no consideration to my feelings as though I don't matter. FWIW I organised a big meal for her 30th inc work colleagues, her sporting club. It was quite a lot of effort but I wanted to do it for her.
Do I suck it up & try & blazen out this spa day? I really don't think I have it in me. I'm broken. This is a much longed for pregnancy & I should be on top of the world.
Don't go. I sympathise with you because I've had the same issues with a Queen Bee & a group of flakey friends. She's not worth the stress. Enjoy your pregnancy. Go & get your nails done another day, where you're comfortable, on your terms.
Congratulations on your pregnancy
I think you should leave it and go with your Dh for a couples spa day instead. Enjoy your pregnancy and don't waste your energy on your flakey friend.
I think keeping up a friendship with someone who has started a family is extremely difficult and if she really was "visiting you regularly" with your PFB, you should give her some credit for that.
Do you make an effort to get out and see her regularly? Would you call her often over past few years? Has your friendship perhaps drifted a little if your lives are around different priorities at the moment.
I don't know if you have to cut her loose altogether, you might be closer again someday.
And I do think perhaps you are a bit oversensitive at the moment - crying for hours is probably a bit of an overreaction.
Hope you get it sorted.
You're right that you don't have a friend - with a friend you should be able to be honest. She sounds disorganised but basically nice - she at least tries, but you aren't honest with her about how you feel.
If you want friends, you have to be real with them. None of this 'no it's ok' then crying in private.
Book a day for yourself without her and all the stress you'd feel around her. Keep her at arms length and be up front about not being prepared to be let down. Your time is presumably limited with dc. Don't waste in over anxiety like this!
This is no friend, she is very hard work which is not what a friend shoukd be. I would pull out if it is causing this much stress and go with dh instead. Just let go of her.
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