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AIBU?

Two of us undergoing fertility treatments

16 replies

Unreasonablebadger1 · 10/09/2016 23:13

Hi. Hope you're all well. Hope I don't get ripped limb from limb for what I'm about to write. Here goes....
Three years ago my close friend was very ill and had some operations that left her unable to conceive. It was a horrible time for her and she says I was the most supportive of everyone. Since then she's had three failed IVFS and gearing up for another round.

I've been ttc for eighteen months with no success. Six months ago I was diagnosed with pcos and am on clomid which isn't working. I have to have ivf if this round doesn't work. I've been very distressed by this and didn't tell this friend until a few months ago as I was so upset but realised she was going through a similar time.

However since telling her it's like I'm not allowed to mention my troubles because they don't compare to hers. I know they don't as she's gone through a lot more than me. When I mention being upset about it or worried about an appointment she says 'stresshead it's early days' and the conversation is closed. Aibu to think she could show a little more support?

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HarryPottersMagicWand · 10/09/2016 23:17

YANBU. You served your purpose as a confidante to her issues but now you have the same struggles she doesnt want to know.

Doesn't sound like much of a friend tbh. I'd struggle to see much of her with her poor attitude.

Unreasonablebadger1 · 10/09/2016 23:23

Thanks Harry. I was careful about telling her as my prognosis is better so I didn't want her to think it was all poor badger but I'm a bit annoyed.

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Enidblyton1 · 10/09/2016 23:29

Sorry to hear about your (and your friends) struggle to conceive
Perhaps it's just too painful for her to talk about at the moment? You have been tremendously supportive to her over the last few years so it doesn't seem fair that she isn't being as supportive for you right now.
No advice from me, but I just wanted to say YANBU and I hope you can find support from others.

Unreasonablebadger1 · 10/09/2016 23:31

Thanks Enid. Hardly anyone knows so I'm struggling for support.

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BestZebbie · 10/09/2016 23:35

YANBU, but it would also be understandable if she is not entirely objectively reasonable about a thing to do with fertility at this point either.
She may have totally irrational but still real feelings that you joining her in IVF might somehow end up taking her chance at a baby and awarding it to you instead, or similar, and her frame of mind be miles away from considering 'being supportive like you were to her'.

Cluesue · 10/09/2016 23:36

I hope you have plenty of support from others and you are sucessful soon.If she is being like this now,I would be prepared for the friendship going downhill should you conceive first.
This is shit for both of you but her hurt and struggle is not more meaningful or more important than yours. [Flowers]

Jelliebabe1 · 10/09/2016 23:47

Hey! Infertility survivor here! Twins struggling to sleep upstairs.. you can get through this but I would suggest a different confident. Obviously she can't support you so you need someone who can... good luck xxx

hungryhippo90 · 10/09/2016 23:48

no advice, just wanted to wish you the best of luck....I also have pcos, which has resulted in fertility issues. hope you get your baby soon.

leopardgecko · 10/09/2016 23:49

OP, I totally, totally understand your feelings. I wish I could jump through the screen and give you a hug.

Babies, infertility treatment, can there be anything more emotional? And add to that the hormonal fluctuations PCOS that the treatment can bring. And the stress of IVF knows no limits. I feel for both you and your friend.

I went through 11 years of unsuccessful infertility treatment at the same time as my closest friend. At first we were grateful to have each other, who could understand our longing and desperation that others couldn't. But there were times we both became pregnant and both suffered ectopic pregnancies, and we were of great support to each other. But looking back I realise we could only support each other when we were on the same page. There were times I was a complete bitch, there were times she was. Neither of us could face the positive outcome for the other one. I withdrew from her completely when she became pregnant, she withdrew from me when I eventually adopted. She could not turn to me for support unless we were in the same situation, and via versa. It was so emotionally charged I think there were times we were both so selfish, and others so supportive. Now 20 years later we understand and accept this is the way it was, the way it had to be, the way the whole treatment programme makes you. You are by far a much, much better person than I was, and a much better friend also.

So I feel for you both, and yes sadly you may need to find support for yourself elsewhere for a while. Hopefully, like me friend and I, that closeness will return.

It isn't the same, of course it isn't. But if you need some support please message me - I promise I won't be the bitch I once was. I understand and wish you well. Good luck xxx

Unreasonablebadger1 · 10/09/2016 23:50

Thanks ladies. My progesterone levels were over 100 this month so it appears to have worked and made me ov!

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leopardgecko · 10/09/2016 23:50

ps have PCOS,been on clomid and numerous IVF attempts and a whole bunch of operations. So I really do understand x

SharonfromEON · 10/09/2016 23:53

I have fertility treatment but only went as far as IUI.

I agree with the pp what if you conceive are you not able to talk about baby.

I found forums a really good place for support .

Good luck with the treatment

Unreasonablebadger1 · 10/09/2016 23:56

Thanks ladies i still feel hopeful but its hard! This month it does appear that i ovulated so thats positive x

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kateyjane · 11/09/2016 00:06

Don't worry. I have bad PCOS, was very overweight. I lost it, had one wonderful child by accident. Tried two and a half years for DC2, just about to go for treatment and luckily it happened, followed by DC3 & 4. I know I've been lucky! Good luck op -(lots of people told me to relax & it would happen, completely irritated by all of them -however it did hdpe

Caken · 11/09/2016 00:15

YANBU. Fertility struggles are fertility struggles, it's not a competition and you don't need to feel bad that she's had a different journey to you.

Hope it happens for you soon

Unreasonablebadger1 · 11/09/2016 00:17

Thanks everyone. I'm not typical pcos not hairy or spotty or overweight. Bloods and scan tell another story though! I'm still youngish too so surely that must go in my favour x

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