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to expect my partner to talk to his dad?

(25 Posts)
harrypotternerd Sun 04-Sep-16 05:45:38

Bit of a background, my partner and I live with his dad. My kids are also here. We all smoke and we smoke outside but lately my partner's dad has started smoking in his room. His room is right next door to my kids room. We have both asked him to stop smoking in his room and he has said 'ok' each time but has continued to do it. It is not an everyday thing but I still do not want smoke in the house with my kids. I found out this morning he smoked in his room again last night. I was very annoyed because I am also going through the family courts at the moment. My partner said he was going for a walk and to work it out with his dad. Am I being unreasonable to expect him to be with me while I talk to his dad or ask him to talk to his dad?

takesnoprisoners Sun 04-Sep-16 05:48:43

If he is in your house then yes, you lay down the rules and if he won't follow them have a talk. But if it is the dad's house, surely he can do what he wants and smoke wherever? Can't tell from your post whose house it is.

honeysucklejasmine Sun 04-Sep-16 05:51:14

It sounds like he is going to sort it out though... give him a chance.

harrypotternerd Sun 04-Sep-16 05:59:31

he told me to sort it out and left. He owns the house but when the kids and I first moved in we all spoke and his dad said he would smoke outside only. If he hadn't my partner would have moved in with me. If he wants to smoke in his room we could work something out but i'm getting annoyed at the fact that he says he won't smoke in his room and does anyway. I have told him if he wants to smoke in his room then tell me and we could work something out like my kids swapping rooms with my partner and I. (My son is also athsmatic)

phillipp Sun 04-Sep-16 06:16:38

Well it's not ideal. The solution is to get your own place.

Why would you move into your partners dads house when you already had your own place?

Could he be doing this to get you to move out?

Your partner clearly feels uncomfortable dictating rules to his dad in his dad's house. I can understand that.

takesnoprisoners Sun 04-Sep-16 06:26:33

Tough situation OP. But since it is his house, he can do what he wants no matter how inconvenient it is for you and your kids. Won't it be easier to just swap rooms than asking him to stop?

Flossyfloof Sun 04-Sep-16 06:49:30

Why don't you stop smoking? That would be less smoke around your kids for a start.

Scarydinosaurs Sun 04-Sep-16 06:52:03

You smoke with an asthmatic child? YABU.

harrypotternerd Sun 04-Sep-16 07:40:19

thanks for your replies everyone. I moved out of my house because of safety issues for myself and my kids. I spoke to my partner and he had a talk to his dad, his dad thought the smoke would stay in his room if he had his door closed. He said he will be honest from now on. His dad also was in an accident and crushed his lower spine so that is the other reason we are here, to help him out. I know smoking is not ideal and I have cut down to stop, that is why I smoke outside and away from the kids.

Tiptoethr0ughthetulips Sun 04-Sep-16 07:45:02

YABU. If it's his house he is within his rights to smoke where he likes. I think the only solution is for you to get your own place. I also think that you should give some serious thought to quitting yourself, your kids will still be breathing in some of your second hand smoke regardless of you going outside.

phillipp Sun 04-Sep-16 07:46:14

I moved out of my house because of safety issues for myself and my kids.

So your partner couldn't have moved in there with you, then.

I think you need to make plans to move out.

Kungfupandaworksout16 Sun 04-Sep-16 09:20:28

As unpleasant as it, it's his house. If he wanted to strut through the house with 15 cigarettes all lit and waving them around nothing you can do. Of course he'd be a twat doing that.
But I also don't think you have a strong case to complain - you smoke!
After coming in from a cig do you change your clothes, wash your hands and brush your teeth? Because how can you say which would be worse? You coming in cuddling your children after smoking or your FIL smoking in his room with a door closed and probably windows open.

CRazzyyAce Sun 04-Sep-16 09:26:46

I think you know you need to seek alternative accommodation OP

bakeoffcake Sun 04-Sep-16 09:30:17

Just change rooms with your DC, so you and your partner are next door to the smoke. It is his house and you can't really tell him what to do in it.

Maybe it's time for you to look for somewhere else.

monkeysox Sun 04-Sep-16 09:39:21

Grim. Set a good example to.your dc.
You do not want them to be exposed to smoke.

Skittlesss Sun 04-Sep-16 09:55:54

Stop smoking. Save that money to put towards a place of your own. You're a grown woman with kids, if you don't like someone's behaviour in their own house then you move out into your own place.

Arfarfanarf Sun 04-Sep-16 10:23:21

You need to either just accept he smokes in the house and make the changes without going through this what? Formal admission? you say that if he smokes in his room then yyou'll swap bedrooms with your kids? Well he does so do that.

If he has an injury so severe that he actually needs you to live with him to help hi it might be too difficult or painful for him to keep going outside.

If he is not finding things difficult or painful then he doesnt need you living there does he so you can moveout

You have a few options. None of them are control where he smokes in his house. If that's not acceptable to you then it's probably best to move.

If you want to stay more than you dislike smoke in the house then just do as much as you can re ventilation and accept that these are the terms under which his house is your home.

TaterTots Sun 04-Sep-16 10:27:06

'Can I come and live in your house, bringing my kids too, then start setting the house rules and making you go outside to smoke even though you've got a spinal injury?'

WatchingFromTheWings Sun 04-Sep-16 10:30:31

YABU. It's his house.

iminshock Sun 04-Sep-16 10:49:06

Beyond unreasonable

BrightOranges Sun 04-Sep-16 10:56:00

As most say, his house so up to him what he does.
Him smoking in his room with the door shut is no different to you going outside to smoke. If anything it's worse because the second hand smoke is lingering on you and then you are around your kids. Out of interest what ages are they?
As an ex smoker I can attest that it absolutely stinks when someone comes in from smoking. Yuk.
YDABU

RunningLulu Sun 04-Sep-16 11:01:21

Is this for real? I think you are being VERY unreasonable. Move out and pay for a place of your own like the rest of us.

harrypotternerd Sun 04-Sep-16 11:28:05

I need to clarify something. My partners father is the one who chose to move all smoking outside a bit before myself and kids moved in. I did not come in and set rules. He said he can get up and move around but he cant stand for long periods so needs us here to cook, clean and needs our board money. I am currently a full time student and my partner was recently made redundant so we don't really have the cash flow at the moment. I ended up speaking to him and saying if he changed his mind about the smoking thats ok but he needs to tell us. especially when we have brought it up and he has just said its still no smoking inside and he will go outside. Its quite complicated to explain. I asked in future if he can not have the kids in the room with him while smoking (which has happened) and could he possibly open a window when he smokes in his room and he has agreed

bakeoffcake Sun 04-Sep-16 12:12:32

That's good he's agreed. Hope he sticks to it.

iminshock Sun 04-Sep-16 15:21:19

But it's his house !
He might well plan to only smoke outside but he is perfectly entitled to change his mind and smoke wherever he likes.

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