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good friend or being taken advantage of?

(34 Posts)
kittymamma Sat 03-Sep-16 00:36:56

To start with - I don't have many friends, I like my own company and the company of my family. I have always found social situations uncomfortable and often say the wrong thing.

I have this friend. She is the mother of one of my DC's friends. Us mothers met first but only connected because of children the same age. We have very little in common but we can hold a conversation for hours. She is a single mum with lots of "friends" locally but no family near by. My DH and I have no family locally either.

We often do each other favours. I will look after her child when she needs me to and she collects my child from school when I need her to. Occasionally she will ask if I can drive her to the next town as she doesn't drive and public transport is pretty poor locally. This allows her to travel to meet her friends to go out for the evening. She often offers me petrol money for it but mostly I refuse as it only costs a couple of quid (I have accepted when I was really tight on money and actually needed it). We arranged to meet up tomorrow, she then asks we can go to the park near the gym so she can go to the gym while I look after the kids. I wondered if she was joking (conversation by text), does that seem likely to you? Do people do that? Then when discussing where to actually take the kids, she suggested a place that is about an hour away (I'm driving!) but then suggested somewhere closer, passing the first off as a joke. Left me wondering if she was joking at all or if she actually thought I would drive that far away.

Would you take it as joking or do you think she was serious? Am very confused. I have told her that if she wants to go to the gym, my child has a lesson tomorrow and her child can tag along and watch but that means she has to get up and dressed earlier than she does usually, she has said yes...

kittymamma Sat 03-Sep-16 00:38:52

oh and just to clarify... AIBU to think these requests are a little cheeky? Or is this just what friends do?

Arfarfanarf Sat 03-Sep-16 00:39:33

I think she might be testing the waters for possible piss taking yes.

I suggest you only do those things you are genuinely happy to do and you say a firm but polite no to anything you feel is taking advantage.

Ninasimoneinthemorning Sat 03-Sep-16 00:39:56

She wasn't joking.

She is now seeing you as cheap transport

Arfarfanarf Sat 03-Sep-16 00:41:51

And take the petrol money. It's mostly about recognising that it costs money to run a car.

Akire Sat 03-Sep-16 00:43:41

Do you do stuff for fun or only when you are "helping " her out? Getting you to drive her to gym then look after child while she works out is just odd! Surely if she wants down time you all go to the park and have run about exersise together.

If take money for lifts if you are going out of your way why should you sub her? She gave pay for own car or on bus. Different if you going anyway. If you start to feel she's taking advantage she probable is, make sure you get something back out of it too

LittleBeautyBelle Sat 03-Sep-16 00:46:50

I think she's using you. She's not a friend, she's using you for transport and childcare. Personally? I would not transport her again. You said you could talk for hours. Do you two still hang out together?

kittymamma Sat 03-Sep-16 00:54:01

We only hang out with the kids, the children are young. The kids are really good friends though, although they are trouble together (school separate them) so most playdates are supervised by both of us.

I do benefit occasionally when she collects my child from school although this is rare (but I need her to do it in a few weeks). I may have to look into finding another backup option so I feel like I can say no...

Ginkypig Sat 03-Sep-16 01:19:49

So you were meant to be meeting up but she tried to turn that into can you look after the kids at this park while I go to the gym?

That's cheeky

LittleBeautyBelle Sat 03-Sep-16 01:25:58

I think that's a good idea to find a backup option...it seems pretty obnoxious to want you to babysit while she goes to the gym unless you both were taking turns going to the gym. Especially an hour away. Absolutely no. Agree with Ginky

She's that type of person you don't want to continue with, she'll only get more manipulative, not more of a friend. You can do better. You sound like you would be a lovely friend. You deserve the same kind of lovely friends.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Sat 03-Sep-16 01:37:49

ALso agree that she's testing the water to see how far she can take the piss.
You've shown that she can't get you to do exactly as she wants, so that's a great start.

But yes - I wouldn't rely on this one, get some other mum friends if you can, so you have other options as well as her.

MillionToOneChances Sat 03-Sep-16 03:33:37

I would say that you were looking forward to chatting but that if she wants to alternate providing childcare you'd be up for that (if you are). And do accept fair petrol money / refuse to drive an hour if it doesn't suit you.

GoblinLittleOwl Sat 03-Sep-16 09:43:17

People who don't drive,(usually presenting it as some sort of disability) are quite shameless about using others for free transport. If you continue with this friendship insist on petrol money, and exact reciprocal childcare.

redshoeblueshoe Sat 03-Sep-16 10:00:43

Goblin confused
OP she is taking the piss

DoreenLethal Sat 03-Sep-16 10:07:09

We arranged to meet up tomorrow, she then asks we can go to the park near the gym so she can go to the gym while I look after the kids.

Oh come on! Tell her to do one.

'Do you fancy meeting for coffee?
'why yes I do'
'Good, after you have picked me up and driven me to my choice of coffee shop, you can look after my child whilst you nurse your coffee alone and I go do something more interesting than talk to you'.
'Yes no problem, for I am a people pleaser and my time is completely not important whereas you are the Queen of Fucking Sheba'.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sat 03-Sep-16 10:24:56

Say your car is out of action and suggest you all get the bus to somewhere. If she is your friend, she will still want to see you. If she's only friends with your car ....

Meemolly Sat 03-Sep-16 10:26:34

Read your original message back over and over again, and remind yourself that you are an important individual and an adult. Back away from this 'treasure' of a 'friend'. You deserve better OP. To have no friends is better than one that is using you as a doormat. And I am not judging you I speak from bitter experience that has taught me many things about myself. Also, don't let feeling like this ' I have always found social situations uncomfortable and often say the wrong thing,' dictate how you let people treat you. That is your stuff, you can work on that, NO ONE is better than you.

Dozer Sat 03-Sep-16 10:32:17

Agree with PPs.

When you have driven her to the town, were you heading there anyway, or going out of your way? Your OP reads like the latter, and like you were not invited out with her and the people she was meeting. How did she get home after her evenings out? Hope you didn't go to pick her up!

RubbleBubble00 Sat 03-Sep-16 10:34:20

Going an hours drive away - I wouldn't have an issue with her suggesting but I would counter asking for money towards petrol. Now arranging play date at park then saying she's going to swan off to the gym, now that's not on

NightWanderer Sat 03-Sep-16 10:38:26

You're not a taxi, you're not a baby creche either. It's really weird to ask someone to drive you somewhere unless you are invited too. So, if you are just driving her into town, dropping her off, and driving home then that's not really fair on you. Asking someone to drive them to the gym and expecting them to watch your kid while you work out is really taking the piss. I think you should stop giving her lifts unless it's on your way and within your time frame.

paxillin Sat 03-Sep-16 13:59:35

Say your car is out of action and suggest you all get the bus to somewhere.

Yes, try that, it will tell you if your car is the only thing about you that she wants.

kittymamma Sat 03-Sep-16 14:34:19

Thank you for all the replies. I really didn't expect many.

In fact I ended up cancelling today, my child had misbehaved this morning and I really didn't want to go anymore anyway, it seemed like a good excuse to cancel. I felt a little put out. She got her gym session while I watched my child's lesson and her child sat with me happily. We then all went to our separate homes.

GoldFishFingerz Sat 03-Sep-16 14:43:01

If it's a two way thing it's fine but in your case it seems one way

arethereanyleftatall Sat 03-Sep-16 14:48:41

I do have friends that I do this sort of stuff with. As long as it works both ways, it makes sense.

CapricornCalling Sat 03-Sep-16 15:04:15

She is NOT a good friend, OP.

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